17. What?.....

I was becoming more and more happier these days... even though there are part of things that I do miss.......

But I am still myself.... I am still me.... I am still the same Belinda.....
I haven't changed or grown....... which is a negative aspect of me because I always encounter the same problems........

Problems with family. I am a hindrance to this family. I always fail to meet their expectations, always leaving them disappointed..... which results, a fight or an argument.

I am the type of person who hates to argue. I really hate arguing... I always try my best to not involve myself with arguments, however, if anyone blames me or believes I'm at wrong, then I always stand up for myself. I'm not gonna sit there and let others spit in front of my face. I'm not that weak....
I stand up for myself and argue back..... which makes the situation messy.

In this family, whenever there's an argument, it's me fighting either my brother or mother, but mostly my mother. That's why everyone blames me. They would say, "Oh what did Belinda do this time?," "Oh my God Sis," "What's wrong now?"! IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT! EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!

When I fight with my brother, my mother starts siding with my brother and gets angry at me, because she believes I was the cause of the fight. She blames me. She always wants me to apologise to my brother first but HELL NO! I don't apologise unless I'm at wrong or the other person apologises first.

I was becoming more happier these days.... because there's more freedom in uni than high school (although I have assessments every week). I met new, great people (even though theres this real bitch that I made friends with) in uni. I felt more independent about myself. I felt more confident.
I was starting to enjoy my life for once but because I haven't changed into a 'better daughter' or 'better sister,' I'm still a little kid that gets into fights with little things.

I can't live with my family.... especially my mum and brother.

I hate myself for not being a better daughter or sister. I hate myself so much that I feel guilty all the time. I hate feeling regretful because I can never forgive myself for doing something so stupid.

I can't enjoy my life better because of my family. I hate myself for it. For all of it. I can never be truly happy because of this family. What freedom do I have here...?.....


I hate living with my family because everyone here blames me for everything...... I am never right but wrong. They don't need to explain anything but already point fingers at me........


I'm not that weak........... but if you put me in the darkness where no one can hear or see me........ no one will ever notice how fragile I really am...... how vulnerable I am... that I could cry so much in tears........ I hate crying.... because it shows how emotional, sensitive and weak you are. I don't want to show people that side of me. I want people to know how happy I am.... or I could be......... I want people to know that I'm not 'bad'...... I want them to know that I am really positive.............

I don't want them to start blaming me..... or to think that I'm wrong.......... I don't want them to know how easily I can breakdown in tears...... because I'm not that weak but I'm not made out of steel......

Someday, I'll get my own happy family where I can have more peace and freedom