I love you my love. I really do love you. I think of you all the time. I think there's something wrong with me. Because I overthink too much, too much negative things that I can't sleep at night. It gets worse each night when we don't contact each other and then I start to miss you a lot... I try to be patient, I try to control my emotions because I don't wanna make a big deal out of it. But it's hard. Is it just me?? If it is, then there's something wrong with me. I love you so much and what I have right now is perfect. What more do I want? What more do I want from you? Am I not happy enough? I am though. Though why do I not feel happy?...
You said I should sleep early, but this time I said no. Before, I agreed with you and would sleep early, and one time call you 'baka'. But this time, I really wanted to stay on the Skype call with you a bit longer. But you insisted otherwise. Even though I so stubbornly kept saying no... I said, "You told me to be more selfish, so I am". But instead you replied with, "This is not being selfish. You're hurting yourself". I wanted to talk with you more... I wanted to hear your voice more... I wanted you to listen to me more... "The earlier you sleep, the faster you'll see me tomorrow". You say it like it's so easy.
I... want to spend every time I have with you. Every chance that I have, to spend a bit more time with you. Because... I am scared of the future. Once you have full time job, and I go to uni, we'll be distant and be apart. I want to use evert chance that I can get to just spend, even if it's just a little bit... a bit more time with you... Is it that much to ask? Am I being too selfish? How selfish do you want me to be?...
You always say, "I'll talk to you tonight", "I'll talk to you on Skype later". I get really excited because I can see that you want to spend more time with me, and I wait for you to talk to me... but most of the times, you don't... and it breaks my heart... All that waiting for you to initiate the conversation with me... All that waiting... I gave up on waiting whenever you say that because I don't want to put my hopes up and wait for it to be shattered just to know that you never did...
But today, when we went on a Skype call, I wanted to stay on a call a bit longer with you. To make up, to catch up with each other for the time we didn't contact each other. But you said that I'm hurting myself by staying up late with you on a call. That doesn't hurt me. What hurts me that you broke your words most of the time, and making me patiently wait for your text for the whole night... Making me sleepless... making me overthink with negative thoughts... That hurts me a lot.
But I can't say these things to you. Because I'm worried of what you might think of me... that I might be crazy or something... that I'm thinking too much. That I'm not normal. That I'm not happy... because of you...
Please... I don't want to put my hopes to up and suffer later...
After you blew me countless kisses at the end of the call, and you said I love you to me... I didn't reply to you, instead I hanged up the call on you. Because I wasn't happy and was sad. I didn't want to blow you a kiss and say I love you when I'm sad. Because how can I? I would be deceiving myself and you. My feelings, emotions would be all messed up. I have to be honest with you... Even though I didn't tell you about this, and I know that I should. But I have to tell you on the right timing. The right time to tell you about how sad I felt that you don't contact me when you said that you will...
I was sad... Sad... that I could feel tears coming out of my eyes, but I tried to control it. I didn't want to cry about this. This is not even a serious problem and I didn't want it to be an issue in our relationship... So I tried to control it but still. I was still sad...
I love you mwah love. I really do... But I don't want my heart to be broken... because that hurts me the most that I can't sleep at night. I won't be able to sleep every day... I keep waiting for you to talk to me on Skype but you don't initiate it when you said you'll talk to me... Please understand me... I'm scared that you won't be able to... that's why I'm afraid of telling you this... When I want to tell you something that is upsetting me I have to tell you on the right time... But I can't seem to find that right time to tell you... It hurts.... It hurts a lot...
It's making me depressed a lot...
Saturday, 19 December 2015
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
80. Sad...
Recently I have been sad. Sad because we haven't been contacting each other... And every time I try to contact him... He's busy... I've been missing him a lot. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to be patient and wait to see him on saturday. Then I have to wait another week to see him on saturday. Then wait again, wait for another week, meet up with each other for a day, then wait another week to see him... It's hard. I've been trying my best to distract myself but I am just madly in love with him. I wish I could see him everyday, spend time with him...
But then that makes me very selfish, and very clingy. And I hate that about myself. Which is why I tried to control myself by being paitent, and getting myself distracted, by being busy. But there was this point where I was busy for 1week and three days, and we both deeply missed each other. He missed me a lot and I missed him too. I didn't want to be busy anymore because I want to see him as asap. And he wouldn't want me to work too long because he wants to see me too.
But recently... we haven't been contacting each other that much... and and... I miss him.. a lot. Especially today. Because today is our 6months anniversary. But to be honest, I don't think he cares and I don't think he remembers. I wanted to see him today but he must be tired from work. I care for his well being first. Plus, we both have work tomorrow and we shouldn't hang out too late.
Lately, I realised that whenever he says, "I talk to you tonight/later on skype", he never does... But I never mentioned about it because he probably forgot, or he was tired, or he was busy playing games... But he always says that but most of the times, he never does. But I don't think too much about it anymore. Because I got my hopes up when he said that but he didn't. And it just completely makes me depressed because he got me excited and I was waiting for his message or call but he didn't. Now everytime he doesn't, I try not to think too deep about it anymore. It's just me thinking too much. I am overthinking too much about these little things that aren't much of a problem.
It's just that he hasn't been contacting me that much and I am very sad about it. I don't like initiating the conversation... I feel clingy and annoying. And I contact him during bad times, when he's busy... And I feel that I'm putting more effort and, and, and... I don't know anymore. I tried to control myself today. Epsecially today when we dated for exactly 6 months now. But I initiated a convo with him on whatsapp, saying that "I know that you're working right not but I just want to say that I miss you. And don't listen to me". Our conversation was very brief because I told him later he should go back to work. He ended that he'll talk to me later tonight... And I am still waiting for him... for him to talk to me because god... I miss him so much... TT^TT
I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that I am so annoying, clingy, overthinking too much, and, missing him too much. I think there should be a limit where I think of him in a daily basis, and where I miss him. It's too much that I don't think my special someone thinks that much about me...
Here we go again, me overthinking too much... I tried to think positively but really... I am getting myself on my nerves... Sigh... I really need to control myself and be more patient.
But then that makes me very selfish, and very clingy. And I hate that about myself. Which is why I tried to control myself by being paitent, and getting myself distracted, by being busy. But there was this point where I was busy for 1week and three days, and we both deeply missed each other. He missed me a lot and I missed him too. I didn't want to be busy anymore because I want to see him as asap. And he wouldn't want me to work too long because he wants to see me too.
But recently... we haven't been contacting each other that much... and and... I miss him.. a lot. Especially today. Because today is our 6months anniversary. But to be honest, I don't think he cares and I don't think he remembers. I wanted to see him today but he must be tired from work. I care for his well being first. Plus, we both have work tomorrow and we shouldn't hang out too late.
Lately, I realised that whenever he says, "I talk to you tonight/later on skype", he never does... But I never mentioned about it because he probably forgot, or he was tired, or he was busy playing games... But he always says that but most of the times, he never does. But I don't think too much about it anymore. Because I got my hopes up when he said that but he didn't. And it just completely makes me depressed because he got me excited and I was waiting for his message or call but he didn't. Now everytime he doesn't, I try not to think too deep about it anymore. It's just me thinking too much. I am overthinking too much about these little things that aren't much of a problem.
It's just that he hasn't been contacting me that much and I am very sad about it. I don't like initiating the conversation... I feel clingy and annoying. And I contact him during bad times, when he's busy... And I feel that I'm putting more effort and, and, and... I don't know anymore. I tried to control myself today. Epsecially today when we dated for exactly 6 months now. But I initiated a convo with him on whatsapp, saying that "I know that you're working right not but I just want to say that I miss you. And don't listen to me". Our conversation was very brief because I told him later he should go back to work. He ended that he'll talk to me later tonight... And I am still waiting for him... for him to talk to me because god... I miss him so much... TT^TT
I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that I am so annoying, clingy, overthinking too much, and, missing him too much. I think there should be a limit where I think of him in a daily basis, and where I miss him. It's too much that I don't think my special someone thinks that much about me...
Here we go again, me overthinking too much... I tried to think positively but really... I am getting myself on my nerves... Sigh... I really need to control myself and be more patient.
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
79. Busy
I have been busy that I haven't been able to blog in a while. Do I like my job? half-half. But it's better than my old jobs. My role is easy and the pay rate is a lot higher. Honestly, I think they should set it higher since it is a good quality and big restaurant. But it's a lot better compared to my old jobs.
The only factor that I hate about working here is the work hours. The work hours is unbelievable. I am working over time, and they don't pay you overtime. They give you so much work hours that literally your feet is sore everyday from standing all day. I know I am working as a full time but this is unbelievable in Australia. The maximum full time hours you can work in a week is 34hours. Well the staffs that is working here in this restaurant is working WAAAAY over the limit. The manager wanted me to work at least 6 days a week but I couldn't handle it, and my parents strongly disagreed. I discussed with him, and it is decided that I work 5 days/week. But I am still working over the maximum hours.
Three of the waitstaffs quitted. I thought it was the right decision for them.
I did thought about quitting because of the ridiculous work hours. But it's a lot better than my old jobs. This is a better workplace that I have worked so far. So I might as well continue through with it till uni starts.
I'm going to stop working anyway by late February. Just few more weeks... months to go...
The only factor that I hate about working here is the work hours. The work hours is unbelievable. I am working over time, and they don't pay you overtime. They give you so much work hours that literally your feet is sore everyday from standing all day. I know I am working as a full time but this is unbelievable in Australia. The maximum full time hours you can work in a week is 34hours. Well the staffs that is working here in this restaurant is working WAAAAY over the limit. The manager wanted me to work at least 6 days a week but I couldn't handle it, and my parents strongly disagreed. I discussed with him, and it is decided that I work 5 days/week. But I am still working over the maximum hours.
Three of the waitstaffs quitted. I thought it was the right decision for them.
I did thought about quitting because of the ridiculous work hours. But it's a lot better than my old jobs. This is a better workplace that I have worked so far. So I might as well continue through with it till uni starts.
I'm going to stop working anyway by late February. Just few more weeks... months to go...
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