I love you my love. I really do love you. I think of you all the time. I think there's something wrong with me. Because I overthink too much, too much negative things that I can't sleep at night. It gets worse each night when we don't contact each other and then I start to miss you a lot... I try to be patient, I try to control my emotions because I don't wanna make a big deal out of it. But it's hard. Is it just me?? If it is, then there's something wrong with me. I love you so much and what I have right now is perfect. What more do I want? What more do I want from you? Am I not happy enough? I am though. Though why do I not feel happy?...
You said I should sleep early, but this time I said no. Before, I agreed with you and would sleep early, and one time call you 'baka'. But this time, I really wanted to stay on the Skype call with you a bit longer. But you insisted otherwise. Even though I so stubbornly kept saying no... I said, "You told me to be more selfish, so I am". But instead you replied with, "This is not being selfish. You're hurting yourself". I wanted to talk with you more... I wanted to hear your voice more... I wanted you to listen to me more... "The earlier you sleep, the faster you'll see me tomorrow". You say it like it's so easy.
I... want to spend every time I have with you. Every chance that I have, to spend a bit more time with you. Because... I am scared of the future. Once you have full time job, and I go to uni, we'll be distant and be apart. I want to use evert chance that I can get to just spend, even if it's just a little bit... a bit more time with you... Is it that much to ask? Am I being too selfish? How selfish do you want me to be?...
You always say, "I'll talk to you tonight", "I'll talk to you on Skype later". I get really excited because I can see that you want to spend more time with me, and I wait for you to talk to me... but most of the times, you don't... and it breaks my heart... All that waiting for you to initiate the conversation with me... All that waiting... I gave up on waiting whenever you say that because I don't want to put my hopes up and wait for it to be shattered just to know that you never did...
But today, when we went on a Skype call, I wanted to stay on a call a bit longer with you. To make up, to catch up with each other for the time we didn't contact each other. But you said that I'm hurting myself by staying up late with you on a call. That doesn't hurt me. What hurts me that you broke your words most of the time, and making me patiently wait for your text for the whole night... Making me sleepless... making me overthink with negative thoughts... That hurts me a lot.
But I can't say these things to you. Because I'm worried of what you might think of me... that I might be crazy or something... that I'm thinking too much. That I'm not normal. That I'm not happy... because of you...
Please... I don't want to put my hopes to up and suffer later...
After you blew me countless kisses at the end of the call, and you said I love you to me... I didn't reply to you, instead I hanged up the call on you. Because I wasn't happy and was sad. I didn't want to blow you a kiss and say I love you when I'm sad. Because how can I? I would be deceiving myself and you. My feelings, emotions would be all messed up. I have to be honest with you... Even though I didn't tell you about this, and I know that I should. But I have to tell you on the right timing. The right time to tell you about how sad I felt that you don't contact me when you said that you will...
I was sad... Sad... that I could feel tears coming out of my eyes, but I tried to control it. I didn't want to cry about this. This is not even a serious problem and I didn't want it to be an issue in our relationship... So I tried to control it but still. I was still sad...
I love you mwah love. I really do... But I don't want my heart to be broken... because that hurts me the most that I can't sleep at night. I won't be able to sleep every day... I keep waiting for you to talk to me on Skype but you don't initiate it when you said you'll talk to me... Please understand me... I'm scared that you won't be able to... that's why I'm afraid of telling you this... When I want to tell you something that is upsetting me I have to tell you on the right time... But I can't seem to find that right time to tell you... It hurts.... It hurts a lot...
It's making me depressed a lot...
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