92. Our second bad tension...

Today, I was asking my friends to help me edit my short responses and I informed SS that I wanted him to help me edit. He told me how he can look through it but not sure about editing. Then afterwards, he started to become critical and judgemental. He asked me to say few lines from each of the 3 questions. Then I only told him what I wrote for the first sentences each of the 3 questions. He commented how I should say 'this' and talk about 'that'. But I claimed that I already wrote a paragraph for these 3 questions, and that I only said the first sentences for each of these 3 paragraphs. Then he mentions how, "I would talk about these if I were to write it".

As I was continuing editing my work, he asked me to read out each of these short responses and I said no. I didn't want to. He asked me for a reason but I didn't reply. He asked if was too judgemental and critical. I didn't answer. He asked for other reasons but I responded 'no' to each of them. After I competed and finalised my short responses, he wanted me to read them for him. I still resisted and he wanted to know the reasons why. I didn't want him to know that he was being too judgemental and critical. So I didn't say anything. He asked me to give him one proper reason and he would stop asking. But I still stubbornly said no because I didn't want him to know. I mentioned that it's better to not know the hurtful truth. But he responded that he rather know and get hurt, than not knowing and get hurt. But I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to know.

Because last time, he said he would stop being judgemental and critical (about my study) if I practice by using another better method, such as recording my voice when practising for speaking in chinese.

I didn't want him to tell him the reason... so he wouldn't say any of that...

But later he revealed that he's gonna sleep off the pain and gonna hang up the call...... I didn't know what to do. I don't want him to know the truth because I know that I'm gonna hurt both of us, but if I don't tell him he's gonna hang up the call on me...

He eventually did hang up the call on me after we both said goodnight to each other. It's not necessarily called argument or a fight. But this bad tension between. So far this has happened twice and this is our second time. I don't know which one was worse... The first and second times are both bad...... He hanged up on me because he's mad at me..... He's gonna be mad at me, and he's hurt.... He won't sleep peacefully because of me......

I don't know..... what to do anymore.... I didn't want to call him back.... Because I don't think this is wholly my fault. And I don't know how to approach him anymore... He's not happy with me.... Would he still be the same if I initiate to contact him first?.... If I apologise first would he feel better? But I do not want to apologise... Because I don't believe that I am at complete blame.... But if we don't contact each other then we'll drift apart... for a stupid thing that's not serious.... I am sad now... I feel like crying..... I'm sad....

91. Wishing for a holiday

I had about about 3months holiday break and now have uni... I wish it was holiday again, where I'm free to do anything and nothing at the same. The period where I was working for my part time job, I just wished that it was uni already because I was bored, and didn't have anything better to do. But of course finish as much anime as I can. 

But man... Last semester I was really motivated to study, manage my time wisely, and GET. THINGS. DONE!!! But now for this semester, I really don't have any motivation at all. I don't dedicate myself to get things done anymore. Because now I have another interest. Around last week, I found this new game and wanted to give it a try. Until I got TOO INTO IT. And it's really bad because my special someone has started to play that game as well, and has caught up to me. =_____= I've been focusing on that game for awhile and playing it with SS. I have to use all my staminas before I do anything else (like study) because I didn't want it to go to a waste... That's how bad it is... I've been playing that game so much that I would sleep sooo late in the morning. That's how addicting this game is for me. And lately, I wouldn't study and just play that game. I really need to get a grip and just arghhhhhh maaa gawd! I cannot stop playing this game. I now know why there are heavy gamers out there... 

The game that I'm playing changes it names all the time because of copyright issues. It use to be called Pocket Master to Pika Q to Super Evolution to Elves Union to Fantasy Monster to Mega Monster. I wish that they would finally settle some things because I'm trying to get use to the name but it changes frequently...

Anyway, my point for this post is that I wish it was holiday again. I WANT MY FREEDOM!

90.

Don't feel happy with life anymore. Why do I strive for happiness when I know it's so hard to be happy all the time?... I am being so selfish. I know in life you gotta through hardships and pain so that you can get use to the realities of life and trying to prepare yourself in becoming a strong person. But I don't wanna go through all that. Why make our life so much harder? Trying to become this successful person... I feel that in your youth you should spend time in doing whatever the hell you want that makes you happy. Because once you're an adult you don't get those free times anymore. And then you'll regret it and become this stressful, cranky person that doesn't care about the fun, outside world.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. What I'm sad about doesn't even relate to this... I'm sad because I know that I'm not truly happy. And I can't even be honest about it with myself. I don't know why I'm sad all the time. Why???! Why do I pretend to be happy all the time???! Sighh...

I wish this year would be a happier year for everyone. I mentioned this earlier before but I swear to god, I don't think it has been that great so far. So far the start of the year of me was shit. Had a huge fight with my parents. Came back from the cruise trip and had a fight with mum. I don't know what to do anymore. And my habit of overthinking is still there. Overthinking about these thoughts that relates to my special someone when they shouldn't be an issue... Then started thinking about all these insecurities about myself which really reduces my confidence and I have this low self-esteem.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even tell these things to anyone. Haven't told SS because I don't want him to think I'm crazy, or i'm overthinking too much, or i'm just very emotional... Honesty is the important key to the relationship. I should tell these things to him but sometimes I'm just scared and I burry these thoughts to somewhere far away in my head and try to forget about them but I know that they're still lingering somewhere... These thoughts would eventually become larger in size and explode someday... Or maybe not. I will forget them eventually as time pass. Another reason why I don't tell him is because I can't even be honest with myself. And I can't figure myself out and I don't wanna tell anyone about these things because I don't even know where to start myself.

I am having a problem of figuring out myself straight. I can't ignore these things because I know they'll eventually consume my mind and I can't pretend myself to be happy anymore. I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about...

What is wrong with me?...

89. Hate fighting

My mum was giving me a lecture today. She hasn't lectured me for a long time and I must say she did a good job for holding it in for so long. While she was lecturing me, I did not say a single word because I know that whatever I say will not turn out well. She's gonna talk back with me and she's gonna have this deep conversation with me. I seriously don't want to have a fight with her. I am sick and too old for fighting. I swear to god I am tired of this. After she finished her complaints and realising that I haven't even uttered a single word, she asked me, "What's your thoughts? Just tell me. I'll listen to whatever you have to say." I swear to god. No matter what I say, she's still gonna get angry with me. If I tell her truth she's gonna get angry, if I lie to her she's gonna be SUPER MAD. So I rather not say anything at all. She at least wanted me to say something and she wouldn't let me go until I answer her.

I told her, "I can't answer to you. Not because I don't want to but I haven't decided yet."
"So you can guarantee it? You can't keep your promise?" (First of all I did not promise her with anything!!!)

I wanted to tell her pleaae leave me alone and let me be and just let me have my freedom. But of course, she'll get mad. And then we're gonna fight and have 'The TALK".

But I can't just lie to her because I FEEL GUITLY FOR LYING TO MY PARENTS ALL THE TIME, and it would just make our relationship worse. Do I want that? Of course not. I am jealous of my friends and other people that I know has a good and close relationship with their mums. No matter what I do, we'll always fight. I swear to god.

But I'm not gonna obey her stupid commands because it is not fair that I have all these restrictions and my brother can get to do whatever he wants. And what's stupid is that they won't let me do whatever I want ever since I started to have a boyfriend.

Sigh... I hate myself sometimes.