89. Hate fighting

My mum was giving me a lecture today. She hasn't lectured me for a long time and I must say she did a good job for holding it in for so long. While she was lecturing me, I did not say a single word because I know that whatever I say will not turn out well. She's gonna talk back with me and she's gonna have this deep conversation with me. I seriously don't want to have a fight with her. I am sick and too old for fighting. I swear to god I am tired of this. After she finished her complaints and realising that I haven't even uttered a single word, she asked me, "What's your thoughts? Just tell me. I'll listen to whatever you have to say." I swear to god. No matter what I say, she's still gonna get angry with me. If I tell her truth she's gonna get angry, if I lie to her she's gonna be SUPER MAD. So I rather not say anything at all. She at least wanted me to say something and she wouldn't let me go until I answer her.

I told her, "I can't answer to you. Not because I don't want to but I haven't decided yet."
"So you can guarantee it? You can't keep your promise?" (First of all I did not promise her with anything!!!)

I wanted to tell her pleaae leave me alone and let me be and just let me have my freedom. But of course, she'll get mad. And then we're gonna fight and have 'The TALK".

But I can't just lie to her because I FEEL GUITLY FOR LYING TO MY PARENTS ALL THE TIME, and it would just make our relationship worse. Do I want that? Of course not. I am jealous of my friends and other people that I know has a good and close relationship with their mums. No matter what I do, we'll always fight. I swear to god.

But I'm not gonna obey her stupid commands because it is not fair that I have all these restrictions and my brother can get to do whatever he wants. And what's stupid is that they won't let me do whatever I want ever since I started to have a boyfriend.

Sigh... I hate myself sometimes.