I am still lost and confused about my future. I don't know if I really want to be a primary school teacher. I don't even know if I want to become a teacher.
I don't know anything for sure.
When I was in Japan, I was talking with two of my friends, and I was being completely honest with them that I still don't know what to do with my future. I am just going with the flow and see where it leads me. They started to attack me with these questions asking me what I really want, and that I should seriously consider about my future while I'm still young because time passes really quickly.
I tried to explain to them, and they retaliated by asking me the 'WHAT IF' questions. Asking me what if my special someone wants to marry me very soon, if I would change to a different course right now, if I would go back to uni again to study a different course if I didn't like my teaching job when I'm old enough... Asking me so much more questions... I later got pissed at them because they weren't helping me at all. But I later stop being pissed at them because I shouldn't stay mad at them too long. And one of my friend apologised to me and I also apologised to her for being mad.
I am just saying that I really do admire people that has already set their own goals and ambitions for their future. Where I have nothing... I really do admire you people out there. Trying to strive for you dream jobs and goals and the hard work, and efforts you put in. You people are amazing... You people deserve whatever good things you want.
That's why I was so surprised when I got accepted into the summer program in Japan. Was it really alright for me to go to Japan? Wouldn't there be any other better candidates to take this instead?... I just... don't know... I had a dream, and one and only dream. Which was to travel to Japan no matter what. That was my only dream. I love studying the language and I love its culture. That was why I wanted to travel to Japan. And I was so happy that I was accepted. It really made me happy, happy that my dream came true.
Now that my dream is completed, now what?... What's next?
For me... I just wanted to go to university because that's what my parents expected of me. And I got in, and I chose primary education because I couldn't see myself taking any other courses which will lead me to those kinds of jobs. For example: business, nursing, international studies and more... I just couldn't see myself in those kinds of workplaces. I just couldn't and didn't want to.
I don't even know if I can become a teacher because whenever I give out presentation, I always panic, get nervous, stutter during my speech, shake my hands and legs. I always gave out presentations for my Japanese units in my first year, yes it has somewhat led me being confident but not that significantly. I still get nervous when I give out presentations.. And I don't know how I will be able to manage when I teach kids in school for my job. How can I become a teacher like this then?...
Recently, I became acquainted to this classmate of mine and he was telling me of his goals. How he quickly wanted to graduate uni so that he can get a job, and his long distanced relationship girlfriend can move in with him. He explained that he took the summer course so that he can get ahead of uni, and has to prepare some documents to hand in to the education department before his third year. I have to hand in mine too but I haven't started to do any of those stuff because right now I have to catch up on uni since I missed out on the first week of uni (because I was in Japan).
I admire hardworking people that strives for their dreams. And I see myself and feel... so lost and confused. What am I doing with life? What are you doing right now Bubs?
I do know that I want to want to work, and become an independent woman, so that I can move out when I am financially stable. I do not want to live with my parents. They still think of me as a little kid, and they limit my freedom. I want to move out, and hopefully live with my special someone if I can. Right now, I do not even want to think about marriage, I am still to way young for that, and I only want to marry when both of my partner and I are both financially stable.
But that is the problem, what is my dream job? What do I want to become?... I am so lost and confused.
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