I feel lonely... I don't have any friends

 I recently started feeling lonely. I realised how distant I am from my best friend. She has so many things going on in her life. She made a new friend and spends the majority of her time with her new friend. She goes shopping, internet cafe, out for lunch/dinner with her. They spend every day calling each other to play games. 

 I don't have many friends to begin with. I realised without my best friend, I feel so incredibly and utterly alone. I... I don't have anyone I can talk with so comfortably. Who can I go to, to share my smiles, laughs and random, silly jokes with? Who can I go to, to share my secrets, pain, low days? I don't have anyone like that except my best friend...

I started to miss my old friends back in high school. Why am I thinking of them now? I guess I took their friendship for granted. I feel so, so alone. 

Do I need to find a new friend now? To keep me company? I don't know what to do anymore. 

I guess I'll stay alone for now. This is me overthinking now but I don't think anyone would want me as their friend. I'm not worth the company. Not worthy enough to be a friend. 

Praying everyday

You know, I'm not religious or anything but I recently started praying to myself every day. I pray that I wish something bad happened to me. Bad enough that will cause me to die. I pray that I could get into a car accident or get a terminal illness or something. Why? Because I want to escape the living hell that I am in.

I've been having suicidal thoughts for 2 months now. I have to admit, I am scared of causing death upon myself because I don't want to experience the pain. So I hope and pray that I wish an unfortunate event could take place on me soon. I know that I will make everyone's life easy without me being there.

Missing good, old friends

I miss two people in my life. They're both my old friends. Although, at this point, I don't think one of them consider me as a friend anymore. I think that's a given, considering how we never contacted each other or seen each other for years now. I still miss Vubs... I'm such a coward for not reaching to her. I guess I'm just scared of what might happen between us or to other people... If there is a chance that I can still meet her, I would like to take that chance. I'm just not brave enough to reach out to her.

I miss my other old friend, Shirley. She moved on. She stopped hanging out with our group and is hanging out with new friends. I mean, I'm glad for her. I'm glad she has someone who makes her feel welcome and happy. It feels different now whenever I catch up with her. We don't really talk about our personal lives anymore. We both seemed to close ourselves with each other. We don't tell each other things anymore, like having secrets. Again, I'm such a coward. I think about these people that I miss but I never reach out to them... Why? Why do I do that though? I guess I don't want to look like an idiot or a crazy 'friend' who seems to care so much about them when they don't care about me.

Now that I'm 23 years old, I feel sad that my friendship group is getting smaller and smaller... I know I have very few close friends atm and I really do cherish their friendship. I'm just sad that most of my good friends aren't as close to me as before. It must be something that I have done. I don't know. I'm just feeling depressed... and I know I shouldn't when it is my birthday today. I wish I could celebrate my birthday with my good, old friends. I miss you guys, Shirley and Vubs.

I woke up one morning and thought, 'I need to get ready to go to uni.' I headed to my bathroom and the next thing that happened terrified me. I was staring at myself in the mirror. I didn't recognise the girl in front of me. I was chunky. The girl in front of me looked like she weighed over 100kg. I was checking myself out and had to scan at the mirror to confirm that this body was mine. I saw my triple chins, flabby arms and legs, and my plumped belly. I was appalled. When did I become this porky girl? I also noticed that my hair was super greasy. I was panicking and couldn't believe what I was seeing in front of me.

I woke up one morning and thought, 'I need to get ready to go to uni.' I headed to my bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror. I let out a sigh of relief. I'm relieved to say that it was just a dream. What a weird dream. 

2. Reason for coming back to this blog after 2 years

I have come to hate this blog because it got extremely dark and depressing. So I wanted to give up on this blog where nobody reads it except Adorable. I didn't want to worry her anyways. But... somewhere deep inside of me thinks that someone else might be reading this blog too. A friend who I really treasured for a long time. I think she has the link to this blog but I can't be too certain.

So Vubs if you are reading this, I want you to know that I still think of you as a friend. I know we're distant now and haven't kept in touch and seen each other in years. But I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart I still think of you as my friend.

Life after high school, I lost contact with some high school friends. I decided to let them go because they don't value me as a friend. I decided that I should keep friends that truly cherish my friendship with them and value me as a friend. But with you, I have never let you go as a friend. Our short time together was very memorable and we had similar interests too. I found you so nice, funny, intelligent and interesting. I wanted to have more friends like you. Friends who were honest and that truly cared about you. Why didn't we find each other earlier? Timing sucks. If I truly wanted to let you go, I would have deleted and blocked you on social media. But I just couldn't bring myself to do that and still won't.

I really missed you. It's just so heartbreaking that two of my close friends have broken off their friendship. I hated that. I hated how I had to choose sides.

I guess I stopped reaching out to you because I was scared that Adorable wouldn't like me reaching out to you... So I kept my distance with you... to the point that I couldn't even have the courage to contact you anymore.

After high school finished, I've been depressed for a few years because of my relationship with my mum. It has gotten better after mid-year in 2017 though. She finally decided to accept me and my life choices. But depression hit me last year (not because of my mum). I've just been reflecting and overthinking a lot about my life and having terrible thoughts nearly every day, every night. It wasn't until earlier this year that I really started to think about you. I thought about how I missed you. 

I decided to consult my conflicting opinions and emotions to Adorable. She told me that she wouldn't mind if I were to reach out to you, or meet you in person. I felt relieved when hearing that from her. But I was scared to reach out to you... because maybe you weren't ready to contact me, or even talk to me. Or maybe you didn't want to talk to me anymore, or the fact that I realised that you have given up on me as a friend... 

I'm scared in knowing the truth but I decided that whatever the outcomes, I'll still think about you here and there. My heart has not given up on you because you were a good friend to me back then. You treated me like any friend should and I'll never forget that. I'm sorry for being a coward to not reach out to you earlier. And if you don't want to reach out to me, it's fine. I will accept that and just hope and pray that you're doing alright, staying happy and positive. Just knowing that you're happy and doing well on your own is enough for me to stay bubbly. 

I miss you old friend. 

1. Long time no see

Hi everyone. It's been a while. Well more like 2 years. Haha... I know right? Why haven't I updated any post for the past 2 years? Well... Since early 2017, I honestly didn't want to publish any posts on this blog anymore. I truly wanted to give up on this blog. I doubt anyone was reading this blog from the beginning except my friend, Adorable. Who was I catering this blog to anyways? Besides, I kept this blog a secret from my boyfriend because this blog is way too honest, dark and depressing for him to read. He would be absolutely crushed if he read about my past quarrels with my family.

What was this blog for? Who was I writing it for?

I started this blog in late 2014 after I finished HSC. This blog was to document anything memorable that has happened to me. I wanted my friends to update on my life after high school since I was the only person in my friends' group to go to Western Sydney University. But I think only Adorable knows about this blog. I'm sure I gave the link of this blog to others, but I don't think they cared enough to read it.

So in the end, I was writing this blog for myself? ... I don't know... This blog mostly consists of my dispute with my mum for the past years. Was I writing this blog to release my overemotional, heated opinions? To relieve myself by recording all my arguments down? Or was I waiting for someone to acknowledge my pain and suffering and would someday help me by reading this blog?

I stopped this blog because I soon realised that I actually hated this blog. This once positive blog just turned into a self-loathing, upsetting blog. This blog will forever always remind me of my darkest and weakest moments (which I am not proud of). It's so easy to write moments that has ruined your life, instead of writing moments that have made you so ecstatic.

I discontinued this blog for so long because I guessed whoever was reading this blog shouldn't read my darkest, vulnerable moments that is extremely personal to me. I didn't want my friend Adorable to worry about me. I wanted to move on and stop hating myself and hating this blog. So I ignored this blog and focused on my life, my priorities and my self. I don't think I will gain anything by continuing this blog anyways.

Then why did I have a sudden urge to write again?
Well... That's for another post.

137. BOSSY GIRL

At my workplace, there's this really bossy girl who would never stop bossing me around. I nicknamed her 'bossy girl'. For fucken sake, I endured her bossiness towards me for a good 4 months and today I frickin had it. For christ sake... I swore on the spot (I didn't swear at her or to her but yes, I swore about her). I went to the back of the restaurant and swore about her again. "Fucken *insert name*!" I didn't shout it out but it was loud enough for my workmates on the other side of restaurant to hear me clearly. I came back to my station and everyone was staring at me, including the bossy girl. I thought, 'whatever. Just gonna focus on my job'. We didn't speak to each other afterwards but when we had to, she ignored me whenever I asked her work-related questions. For fuck sake... I cannot tolerate the shits that she gave me from all this time. Enough is enough. I am sick and tired of playing her games. She crossed the line when she was hitting on my nerves. Fuck her. I don't care about her anymore.