21. Last Day

Today is the last day where we have uni together. It's sad.......
It's only the first semester and time flies so fast. It has only been more than 3 months and I have hopelessly fell in love with someone. I will miss him so much. I wanted to tell him that. I really wanted to and I will.

I know that today is our last day, but I definitely know that it's not our last meeting. We planned to go to vivid next week with everyone, and that will be the day where I will confess to him. Even if he does not accept me, I won't be too depressed about it because I will be proud that I had the courage to confess to him. Just telling him about my feelings will make my chest feel a lot lighter. The weight in my chest will be lifted.... But I sure am nervous about it. Confessing to someone you like is VERY HARD AND STRESSFUL!!!

I am scared that I won't have the guts to say it but I just know that I have to say it.... I just hope I don't chicken out on the day. Sighhhh.......

Few hours ago while I was trying to download some songs, I saw that he texted me. He texted me 12:59 in the morning. Yep that's the exact time he texted me. I realised that he was a lot more initatives this week but it was only about studies-related and the conversation was very short. But for the first time ever, he kept talking with me. Like we were having an actual conversation outside of uni. The conversation lasted for 30minutes. BUT I COULD TELL YOU THAT, THAT WAS THE LONGEST CONVERSATION WE EVER HAD!!!!!! Our conversation would only last 2minutes? Maximum was 10minutes? Sighhh.....

But during our conversation, he asked me more questions this time. Felt like he wanted to keep talking with me and I was freaking out!!!!! I couldn't believe I was still staying in conversation with him. In the middle of our conversation, he said, "This is random but I find it fun to tease you"
WHATTTT????!!! We were talking about games and about our exam, then suddenly, this!???
I replied, "Huhhh. いや. This is why r u a bully". What he replied next shocked me the most but made me feel so happy.

"かわいいとおもいますよ"

It was the first time I have seen him compliment someone and that person was me. The first time he has ever compliment me...... I felt so happy that I went crazyyyy~~~ I couldn't help myself but jump in the air and scream!!!! No, that didn't happened but it did, in the inside ^^. I texted him back, naturally as I could.

"やめって. ☺️☺️"

We still talked from there but my heart was jumping in joy! @><@ I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said to me. I never thought I could talk to him for this long. I thought he will eventually end our conversation as always but no, he kept asking me questions. ^^

It's very hard for me to read guys mind, especially my crush!!!! My crush is the most confusing human being of all. I CANNOT TELL WHETHER HE'S INTERESTED IN ME OR JUST BEING FRIENDLY!!!! I always thought it was friendly gesture but my friends kept telling me that he's interested but I said, "No.... I don't think so....."

But since he complimented me.... my heart is telling me that he's interested in you. OMGGGGGG.
I AM GOING CRAZY. I AM IN LOVE!!!

I am stupidly in love.

20. Tears?

I can't sleep at night. I probably have insommia.... or its just that I can't sleep because I think about this particular someone. Sighhh. I always think about him every night. I can't sleep because my head is filled with thoughts of him.

Tonight, I thought about our last day together. The last day he will come to uni..... Then I thought about our last goodbye..... I hated the thought of him leaving. I hate it because it makes me so sad. So sad that I literally cried. I was shocked myself that I cried about him. I must really like him that I don't want to be seperated from him.

I checked my exam timetable yesterday and it turns out I don't have any exams. Meaning I get to have early holiday. Meaning I finish uni earlier. Meaning time is running out. Meaning there won't be enough time for me to spend time together with him. Meaning how quickly our last, goodbye, day is coming......

I don't wanna say goodbye to him...... I still wanna see him......

I hate the weekends because it is the days where I can't see him. I love going to uni because I always expect him to be there, where I can see him, where I can be with him....
The days when I go to uni, he's always there.... The days where I can freely talk to him, laugh with him, spend time with him......

I wish we don't have to say goodbye.........
おねがい...

19. ばか...

You drive me crazy every single day, every single night. You make me go insane. I hate how you made me fall for you this much. Why do I love you this much??? The way you always put your hand on my shoulder, the way you stare into my eyes, they way you smile......... You drive me crazy........

The way you only touch me and not others, makes me think that you are interested in me but you never contact me outside. It's so hard for me iniate the conversation first because I'm scared that I will annoy you too much or that I will make it too obvious that I like you..... sighhhh.......

I tried to give you so many hints but you never respond......... I tried to talk to you outside but its only about studies-related or even about games........ 

Why can't you talk to me outside?........ But then again, I should put more efforts too but it's just hard for me to do so....... Is this how you feel as well??? Or maybe you're not interested in me...... Then why do you only touch me and not others instead??? You make me overthink too much, you make me think about unnesscary, detailed things....... 

Sighhh.... Every single day and night, I always think about how I should give up on you.... I should give up on you because you'll stop coming to uni, we won't see each other anymore.... You'll make me miss you too much.......... Just the thought of you leaving makes me sad.... And because we don't contact each other, just makes it worse.... You make me think that you're not interested in me... That's why I try to give up on you but I really like you.... I might  even love you.... 

Why do you make me sad and happy at the same time?!!!!! 

I was planning to confess to you but I'm too scared to do so. Because I might risk my heart of getting scarred once you reject me..... I don't want to risk that but I don't want to lose you either.......... 

I wish you could realise that I like you...... That I really, really like you so that you could do something about it. Sighhh....... I'm still considering whether or not if I should confess to you or not...... 

I'm in love with you and it hurts so much that you can't recognise it................ I wish you could see that...........

ばか。どうして... はあ... 好きだよ...。