59. ...

Yea...

58. Sick of it...

I thought I could handle it well but... it's getting to me... More works are piling up... I didn't care about HSC and didn't put much effort into it. But with uni... it's different...

Why am I trying so hard? Harder than HSC? Because it's uni... Because I don't wanna fail and repeat any units... Because I'm not confident...

I am not confident with myself. I am not confident. Confidence...

I try to be confident but it's always getting to me. I lose my cool, and get nervous all the time. I always get NERVOUS!!!

Got my results back today, and wasn't happy with it... My god... I'm going back to the old me where I get upset with my marks and omgggg... I hate that feeling..... I hate it now....

I'm sick of it, I'm sick of everything. I'm tired of studying when I don't get good marks. I'm sick of studying, when other people don't have to study and knows everything. It's getting to me where I am starting to stress.......

My teacher talked to me individually today... about my presentation and mark. I also talked to her about dropping this japanese unit because it's getting harder and I don't understand anything anymore. She was shocked, and didn't want me to drop. She said I improved a lot from last semester and I'm gradually getting better. But I told her, it was too hard.... Two people already dropped this unit and my friends are also considering dropping this unit too. I feel that if people are gonna drop, then I'm gonna perform poorly with others.... I talked with sensei a lot.... In the end, I decided not to drop this unit because I have to DO it. I have to complete 80 credit points for my major and this unit is only worth 10 credit points. If I drop this, then it'll be harder next semester If I study Japanese.

Sighhh....... I need to calm down.... and take it easy..... I have to control this.....

57. Excited for Spring

I've never been this excited for Spring to come. Never did I wanted a particular season to come already. But now I do. I want Spring to come quickly. 8 more days till to Spring. Spring is coming...

56. Uni life?

Socially: I met lots of people and made great friends. This semester I didn't make new friends, but I met lots of new, funny, people.

Academically: Yeah..... I'm trying my best to get full marks with all of my quizzes in every units because my essay writing is not good. Well I'm not confident with it. There's so much work this semester. A lot more than last semester. There's so much quizzes this semester, but less essays for two of my units. However, there's lots of project assignments for both of my jap units. So much projects, presentations, and reports, and tests......

I'm trying my best this semester because I want my life to be balanced. I'm trying to manage with my studies, special someone and my families. My friends are also busy with uni and some of them have part time jobs. I miss my friends. Even though we don't contact each other, it doesn't mean our friendship is cut off. We are just busy and need to get things out of the way. Once we all have the chance to have free time, we'll definitely meet up for sure!

How's uni life?
Good, I should say because I enjoy learning Japanese and I have my friends with me. Even though there's lots of work, it's fun because you have your friends to help you. In the end, I'm glad I went to UWS.

55. Mad

I am mad right now. I am very mad that I cannot try to understand anything at the moment.
Ever since my mum came back, she's been nagging about me and partner. She says these rude and bad comments about my partner and it really hurts me. It hurts me because my partner has done nothing wrong. She dislikes him. For no valid reason.

She says these comments and it hurts me.... a lot...... I hate it..... My partner is a very good guy and she say these bad things about him.... it hurts me.......

Now I am sad........

I told my special someone about it and he thought it was best for me to go home early so that I could make a good impression towards my mum, but no.... my mum still dislikes him..... I don't understand.
My special someone told me not to argue against my mum and never break ties with my family. He would understand why my parents would be so worried about me because I'm their only daughter and I'm dating for the first time... My partner is an understanding guy.... I remember the time where I lied to my dad that I was meeting with a friend, and I told him about it, and he scolded me.... He didn't want me to lie to my family.... He's a good guy..... I'm just not a good girl..........

Sigh.....

I remember when my mum was supportive and told me to hurry up and date him already but now that I am, she completely changed her whole perspective of him. She dislikes him now.

It hurts and it hurts so bad...... I feel that if something ever does happen between my special someone and I, it will because of my family.

My special someone told me that my parents don't know anything about him, and that they never met him before so of course they would be worried.... we agreed that soon, soon in the future that he will meet my parents and just give it time.

It sucks.......

Is there something wrong to love a person? It's sad there are people in this world where they can't love someone they love, or marry someone they love. Whether they love same gender, or people who are older, or younger than them, or have taboo relationships, or have different backgrounds.

*Note: I am calmed down now. It's been half an hour now... I haven't published this post straightaway... I was listening to this song repeatedly called, "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainer and John Legend. This songs kinda relates to me. I'm gonna love my special someone with all my love because who knows... how much we'll have time together... I honestly want him to be my first and last bf ever in my life. There's no one else like him. He is all I want... Now that I am calm... I'm gonna try to reconcile with mum. I wish everything turns out well in the future.*

54. 💜💚💜💚

I love him. I really do. I trust him. I trust him 100%.

But I always overthink, think about worst things... which is not good at all...

I shouldn't worry too much because I am with a great guy. A very nice and good guy. Who is understanding, kind-hearted and paitent. He can be dense, and hard to read and confusing at times but he's an open person if you're close to him.  ^^ He's shy when it comes to relationship. He's not a huggy person. He's not romantic and doesn't say embarrassing (sweet) things often. We only text each other once a day and that's fine~ I love everything about him. I love him for who he is.

Overall, he's a cool guy~ A guy that I love~

I'm in love with him. Whenever I'm with him, he always make me happy. I want to enjoy every moments with him. So I will go with the flow.

It is just me that overthinks too much. I trust him with all my heart. So I will not worry about anything else. He is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. He and I want a long-term relationship. He even said he wanted me to be his first and last girlfriend. I love him and I trust him. So I have nothing to worry about.

53. Awkward

I went to SMASH with my special someone on Saturday. On that day, I saw someone I knew...
Today, someone I knew informed me that, that person saw me at SMASH...
"I saw you at SMASH"
"Oh... Did you went to get any signs?!"
"Nah, I just walked around the whole day"
"Did you watch the cosplay competition show?"
"I did see them"
"Aahhh"

I didn't want us to be awkward but it is... I made it awkward... I feel so bad... I wanted us to be friends but we're not. We're just classmates... But its better this way I guess. If I get involved with that person, it'll be just awkward...... It's better if I distance myself from that person...

52. Animal Cruelty

I hate animal cruelty the most. You don't have to love animals, you don't have to like them, and I won't care if you don't like them. But I hate it the most when you harm them!!! Especially MY dogs! I will hate you if you hit MY dogs!!!

51. SMASH

I got up at 4:20 and started making sushi rolls. My dad sets his alarm at 4:30 and was sleeping downstairs. Because of the noise I was making he woke up and chatted with me for a while.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making kimbap. Daddy do you wanna try?"
*Eats kimbap*
"How is it?!"
"It's delicious but what if 'Special Someone' doesn't like it?"
"... then I'll eat it myself!"

I didn't even tell him that I was going to meet 'Special Someone' but he knows...

After all the preparations, I caught the train at 6:49, and went to Redfern. I was soooo sleepy since I was so excited the night before that I couldn't sleep till 2:30? So I had about 2 hours of sleep... =_= I know I'm crazy. I waited for him at Redfern and I kept yawning non-stop. My eyes were getting teary. I recieved a call from special someone and wanted to know where I was. As I turned my head to the left, I saw him and out of reflexes, I put my arm out and shouted his name. He saw me and I went over to him and hugged him. He was warm and comfortable. I missed him so much.

It was still early in the morning around 7:20? We caught the train and we were both resting up. We later got off at Rosehill and I was already excited. I saw a few cosplayers and he told me that I needed to calm down because there'll be a lot more. We waited in line and special someone's friend was running late because he was at his sister's friend house. We got through the gates and we contacted his friend again. His friend was getting through the gates too so we stood in front of the gate, waiting for him.

I was soooo nervous when meeting him. I was going to meet his friend!!! My special someone pointed out, "Ah there he is". I turned to find him and there he was in front of me. He was getting closer until our distance was met. I introduced myself and shook his hand. Aaaaahhh. I was sooo nervous. His friend informed us that he brought his siblings along. Throughout the whole day, I was going to hang out with my special someone, and his friend, and his siblings. I was talking with Celina (the youngest, and the only female sibling), and I tried to be communicative as possible, but I was shyyyyy and I didn't know what they were talking about since I don't know the animes or mangas.

We waited in line to get into the building for an hour, but we used this time to chat, and check out other cosplayers. I've seen so much cosplayers and I was sooo excited. We also saw two guys closplaying as girls. My special someone and his friend did not enjoy the sight at all. ^^

We got into the building and lined up to get the wristbands for Noriaki Sugiyama signing. However, even though we weren't that far away from the line, they ran out of wristbands. TT^TT If we can't get the wristbands, it meant that we cannot get an autograph from Noriaki Sugiyama (the voice actor of Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto, and Uryu Ishida from Bleach). But we can still see him at the Q&A show later in the afternoon.

We were disappointed since we were almost there getting the wristbands but we couldn't do anything about it. We later went to the arts and craft building, and I saw various accessories, posters of cute chatacters from animes, or movies. We looked around and talked about the anime characters that we knew and so on. We went downstairs to look around the stores that sold different kind of things. Such as animated games, markers, cosplaying clothes, figurines, pillows, mangas, japanese dvds, card games, t-shirts, weapons for cosplay, and etc. I was tempted to buy cards against humanity but I asked myself if it was worth it... In the city, it was $70 but here was $40... But because I only buy what I seem is worth it, I did not buy it. Because you can only play this game with friends not by yourself. So did not wanted to waste my money. We looked around more stuff and went to the gaming section of the building.

And there... I saw someone I knew... I let go of my hand with his and tried to run away but there was no where to run, so I just hide at his left side... and hoped that someone I knew wouldn't see me. My special someone asked me what's wrong but I responded, "Nothing". He knew it wasn't nothing and asked me again. I told him I saw someone and he asked who. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. I couldn't say who I saw because I thought he was going to be mad (or jealous?), and he gave up asking. I thought he was mad at me... Because he focused on other stuff like searching for a place on the map. I felt bad but I didn't wanted to say it. We walked back to where we came from and I saw that person... I saw that person's head facing towards my direction, but looked away quickly. I didn't know if that person saw me and my special someone for sure... It seemed liked it but I am not 100% sure. I just hoped that person didn't see me but who knows.

We walked to the building where there was going to be Q&A show with Noriaki Sugiyama. It was sooooooooo exciting to see my first japanese famous voice actor!!! I saw him and heard him speaking casually in japanese when he was answering alll the questions. His natural voice sounds different compared to his voice acting. He even voice acted on live in front of us. It was unbelievably amazing!!! I was glad we sat at the very front row of the seat since we could see him upclose.

After the show, we walked around outside and saw many different cosplayers. I saw LEVI AND TRAFALGAR LAW!!! AND AOBA, CLEAR, NOIZ, AANG (from avatar), TAIGA, TETSU, AND ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS THAT I KNEW! I saw lots of these cosplayers and thought, "Wow... They're amazing and pretty..."

We met up with the siblings and went outside to eat for lunch. It was so expensive to buys foods from there and so instead we ate at macas instead. It was the longest wait I have ever waited to get my foods at macas because other people from smash thought of our idea as well. I felt clingy or should I say needy to my special someone. We were waiting in line together, and I mouthed his name many times, and he did too. I kept poking his cheeks, and playing with his face by pressing his cheeks together with my fingers when he puffed his face. I was bored and playful. We finally got our foods but his friend already finished his foods. My special someone had to eat his lunch quickly so that we could go to the cosplay show competition earlier.

We walked back to smash and as we walked into the building the seats were already filled up. Luckily we found enough seats for us at the front. The cosplay show went for at least an hour and I had fun watching the skits, and was amazed at some of the cosplayers' costumes. After the show, we went through the building next door and I saw REIKA AND KANAME!!! They are the most famous cosplayers in Japan. I loved seeing Reika because she is popular for cosplaying as guys. She was handsomly pretty, yet manly and feminine. If people told me she was actually a boy then I would have believed them. If people told me she was a girl then I would have believed them. Kaname was handsome but meh... My special someone is better @><@

We looked around the arts and craft building, the stores, and the gaming section but I didn't spend any money. My special someone bought a $20 hiragana and katakana card for his lil bro but nothing for himself. We then went to the karaoke building, and I had fun watching other people singing in japanese but my special someone and his friend wanted to move somewhere else since the girl was singing too loud, and was hurting my special someone's ears. We relaxed ourselves by randomly joining into this panel, since we sat at the back, the boys were catching up, while I was sitting behind them, and secretly snapchatted them. >< My special someone asked me why I was sitting there, so I asked if I should sit next to him and he placed his hand on the seat next to his. I sat next to him and both the boys were playing their own games. I was clingy (or needy) and I kept poking his face. >< I was also teasing him by blowing onto his left ear. He kept dogding it since it was ticklish for him. It was fun teasing him but I wanted more from his response. =_=

It was around 6, so we decided to head home. As we were walking downstairs of the building, I saw a familiar person. It was Jason from my jap class and I called out his name. He turned around and saw me. I gave him a high five and after that, he was going to hug me but I dodged!!! He said, "Aww, no hugs?" My special someone came up to us from behind, and yes they did see each other once so they 'know' each other. They were chatting and so did I. We were walking towards the gate and we bid farewell to Jason and special someone's friend and his sibling. We saw the train at the platform so we ran for it. It was a fun day. I was happy happy happy~~ ^^

I felt that I didn't talk much to his friend but my special someone told me that I'm thinking too much. I wanted to have a good impression to his friend and siblings. I hoped so... >< but I was glad that I met them and I had a great time with them. ^^ They are all nice and funny people.

When we got off at Clyde, I did ask him that if he would get jealous if a guy hugged me and he answered yes. I knew it! That was why I didn't want to hug Jason. Because if I saw a girl hugging my special someone so of course I would be jealous. This is why I won't hug people, when I mean people I mean guys...

Also I asked him another question... "Were you mad at me today?..."
"Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you? I don't remember anything that I have to be mad at you"
I was surprised... so I told him, "You know how I saw someone?" "Oh yeah"
I told him the person I saw and he said he knew it. He knew but he just wanted to hear me say it. He also told me that he wouldn't be mad unless there's a reason. I love him. I love him so much.

It is just me that overthinks too much. I always think about negative, worst things so that I could prepare myself for the worse, or prepare for bad things that might happen in the future.
Sighhhh. But with him. Whenever I'm with him, there's this positive energy around us. He's very understanding, even though he can be dense. He's a 'paitent' man >< He's truly a nice, good guy and I'm glad to have him as my boyfriend. He can be hard to read, and confusing at times but there's nothing to worry about because I trust him and he trusts me. He's shy and I'm shy too so thats why we only text each other once a day and there are times where we don't text each other for a day and that's normal because we're both shy. >< we don't know how to keep the conversation long when texting each other but it's different when we're face to face. We talk for a long time and when there is silence, we enjoy the moment of being together.

I love my special someone for who he is. And he does with me too. We both love each other and that's all that matters.

50. Double Date

For the first ever in my life, I've experienced my first double date with UWS Yuki and her bf. We were to meet up in the Townhall steps at 12:30, and so I arrived there 9 minutes eariler. A minute later, I saw my special someone walking towards me and as always I gave him a hug. ^^ We sat down at the steps, and was playing a game a on his phone which completely consumes your time. This game is very puzzling and we were just enjoying ourselves. UWS Yuki was rubbing late so we decided to meet her at the restaurant.

We headed towards the korean bbq restaurant called Sydney Madong, and waited for them to come. I read the reviews about this restaurant and everyone was saying how excellent this place was. So  I wanted to give this place a try. We met up with UWS Yuki and her bf and ordered our meals. The foods for me was alright, maybe it's because I'm korean and I eat korean foods everyday that the tastes wasn't anything special. However, everyone else loved the foods. I was glad that I recommened this place for them. Because we didn't eat breakfast, except my special someone, we were starving and kept asking the workers to refill our side dishes for free. ^^
Because we were eating korean bbq, I wrapped the pork ribs with lecttuce, and some sauce, and fed it to my special someone. UWS Yuki was smiling and sticked out her tongue. >< My special someone also wrapped the meat with lecttuce, and kimchi because he knows that I love kimchi, and fed it to me. ^^

After the restaurant, we planned to go to karaoke and as we were walking, UWS Yuki started licking her bf's face. She told me to do the same with my special someone and I said no. It's weird to do that. Plus, we were in the public. We went to Echo Point and there's a special deal where you can sing from 12-6pm. It was $10/person + your own drink which you have to pay. We sang for almost 4hours, but after the first two hours, Yuki's bf were sleeping onto Yuki's lap. He must have been tired since he works almost everyday and have late night shifts, and he has to go to work on 7 that day. When we had one hour left to sing, my special someone also wanted to lie down, so he lied down onto my lap. He was cute~~~ he was a like an innocent, fragile baby, when he was sleeping onto my lap. @^^@

As we finished with karaoke, Yuki's bf drove us to Chinatown and had dinner at a Hong Kong Style restaurant. I wasn't hungry at the time but I didn't want to eat anything at home, so I just ate there. I love chinese foods and I had eggplant with rice for the first time. It was bit chillie but it's the chillie that I could handle. We also had lamb hotpot, and as I was eating the lamb, my body was getting warmer. My special someone informed me that lamb makes your body warm, which is why his family have hotpot during winter. It was 7, and Yuki's bf left for work, which left us only the three of us. It was always the three of us from the beginning and I'm glad that I hanged out with these two.

We walked to Darling Harbour, and chilled there for a while. We played at the playground and went onto the ferris wheel. When it was just the three of us, Yuki kept taking photos of us with our phones. I'm glad that we have photos of us two together but it was embarrassing. If it was just the two of us, we never take photos of ourselves. She mentioned how if she was interrupting with my special someone and I. I completely disagreed, saying that I didn't want her to feel as a third wheeler. She didn't and I'm glad. I didn't want her to leave us alone, and I wouldn't ditch her. She was our friend.

It was getting late at this point. It was around late 9 and we decided to head towards the station. As we were saying goodbye to Yuki, I thanked her for the day. It was a fun day, but really... It didn't like a date, but more of a outing. Because how you're with your special someone alone is different when you hang out with other couples. I guess it's because my special someone and I are conscious in front of the public, that's why. ^^ But I had a great day.