49. Things you don't know about me

Things that most people don't know about me:
- I'm not genuinely a nice person.
- I may be laughing or appear to be happy, but there are days where I am actually sad in the inside.
- I hate crying. Crying means you're weak, vulnerable, sensitive and too emotional. If people saw me cry, then they are lucky to see it.
- I do get mad at times.
- If I'm comfortable by being hyper in front of you, then good. It means, I trust you and I consider you as my friend.
- I do swear at times, so don't be surprised if you do hear me swear.
- I eat fast...
- If you see me wearing a skirt, dress, or one piece in person, then you are extremely lucky because you'll probably won't see me wearing it again next time.
- If you hear me calling or shouting your name, it means I really like you. So cherish it!
- I like to cuddle, so If I give you a hug, don't be alarmed. Oh and I only cuddle girls. It's awkward hugging with guys except my special someone.
- I don't like sweet foods, so don't give me cakes, chocolates and other sweet random stuff. But lollies, candies and ice creams are an exception.
- I hate OYSTERS! Give me oysters and I hate you.
- I like manly hands......

I'm sure there are other lots more stuff but can't think anymore so far

48. Bad brother?

Less than two weeks till my mum return to Australia. Only less than two weeks...
I miss her a lot... I can relate to her feelings when she was still here. I was a bad daughter and I knew.
She must have been annoyed and frustrated with me. Oh my lord, how much she dealt with me is unbelievable.

I understand how she feels because I was annoyed and frustrated with my brother for teasing Benny. He didn't like my tone/attitude and went on a rampage by hitting my dog Benny. Unbelievable...
If he wanted to hit someone or something, I would prefer him to hit himself. My dogs did nothing wrong to him so why should they be my bro's punching bags? They are living creatures with emotions too! They just can't speak... I truly hate animal cruelty.

I was upset with my bro and then I heard whimpers... I looked up only to see him breaking into tears. This isn't the first time I saw him cry, and I wasn't surprised by it. He kept crying and shouting out stupid statements. He was blaming himself for being an annoying brother, for being the worst brother...

At this point, I felt like a bad person because truly in the inside, I thought, 'Now you just realised?! It's about time'. He wouldn't stop crying and that made me so annoyed. I am not your mother, I am your little sister. I am not here to babysit you, you are older than me, so grow up! I didn't give him any comfort. But because of his non-stop cries, I lied saying, "No, don't say that. You are a good person. You did nothing wrong." But he denied it and repeated his statements. Yes I agree with you bro but really, you really need to shut up because I am not in any mood to hear your winges.

At my downs, at my worsts, when I cried, where were you?! You were with mum, taking her side without listening to my side of the story and already pointing fingers at me, blaming that everything is my fault.

Why should I comfort you when you never comforted me?

All my friends told me that they are envious, and wants to have an older brother. But seriously, not all older brothers are like that. Some are cruel and don't even care about your life.

Who gave us the rule that just because we share the same blood as our parents that we must respect and love our siblings? Hell no. If your siblings don't treat you the way they should treat you, I don't even call that as a sibling.

There are siblings that don't get along and hate each other. Sad but true fact.

Yeah, yeah, family is important but really. It's only important to you if they also think you're important to them too. To make family relationships to work, both sides must understand, respect and commit themselves to each other. It never works with just one-side.


Why do I not get along with my bro?...... It was never like this before.... As we grew up, we were distant because we are different genders. He stayed away from me a lot back in high school. He was embarrassed because of me. He didn't like people misunderstanding us as they thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We even grew more apart when he found his hobby of dancing and I don't have mine. Then it hit us, when he took sides with my mum and fought against me. He wasn't there for me anymore... We now sometimes fight each other and I hate fighting...

Why do I not get along with my bro?....
Aah... the answer is simple.... its because I'm a bad sister...

Why am I a bad sister?

............



I'm not a good sister, good daughter, or a good friend....... I'm not a good person.....
I'm not nice........

47. Him~ 2

I need to be understanding of my partner, and not to be selfish all the times. I knew that he was not a huggy person, reserved when it comes to contacting people, he's not romantic, does not say embarrassing (sweet) things. ><

I am understanding his character, and how everything takes time to get comfortable or use to, to do things. Sigh~

For the first time, he said 'I love you', to me... I never expected it... I know that I won't hear it often because its him~ But it doesn't matter. Because as long as I know that he loves me. ^^ Of course I would like to hear it often but I don't want him to get out of his comfort zone.

Whenever he's ready~

I love him...

46. Him~

I really do love him. I do... Do I show him enough of that love though?... I honestly don't know.

I always hold his hands whenever we meet, walk together, I always get embarrassed around him, always get warm around him, always say 'I like you', or 'I miss you'  first, try my best to make him happy, or smile, or laugh, always cuddle with him, play with his hair, call his name all the time, try to take care of him with little things... 

Is it enough?.... Enough to know that your girlfriend loves you?...

I guess not... Maybe I don't show him that much love... I don't know... I am overthinking too much...

Sighh.... I do love him!!! I DO SHOW HIM! And he knows that too! He knows that I'm clingy, jealous, and only pay attention to him. He trusts me and I trust him too! 

Why do I overthink too much??? Why do I always worry myself? 

To prepare for the worse I guess. 

I didn't let him kiss me last Saturday... because I was scared it might lead to things that I wasn't ready for... I do regret it but I'm glad that I did it? I wasn't ready at all... But I might have disappointed him or made him upset. I was sad when I walked him off to the station but thought it was for the best.... 

But now I miss him a lot....

45. Hello Tears

Now that I think about it... whenever I cry, there's always a reason. When I do cry, it's mainly about my fights with my mum. Last time I cried that I could remember was back in May. But now... these tears return back again... and it's because of my mum... yet again. I miss her so much. I really do. I really want to hug her right now. She was the one who was there for me through my best and worst. She was always there, supporting me. We always have different point of views and its hard to understand each other when we have different beliefs, and came from different time periods. But in my heart, I always loved my mum. It was hard to express that love to my mum. 

I want my mum back... I want her back... It's hard... I miss her so much... These tears... 

She hanged up the call on me when she knew I was crying. I guess she didn't want to hear me cry, otherwise, she'll. cry herself. My mum is already struggling with my aunty and her family. My mum cried a lot mostly everyday ever since she went to Korea. I guess she didn't want to cry anymore... especially when she has us here in Australia. 

But I miss her. So much. 

I miss her. A lot.........

44. Thoughts lately...

Should I be worried? Yes, I think so. If so, why? Hmmm... because I know he wants to but I am not ready. He said he can wait for a long time and only wants to when I'm ready but still...
I don't consider myself romantic so I asked him, and he said yes. I asked my friend too and she said I'm more romantic than him. My partner doesn't have to be romantic, but just as long as he loves me then its fine. But... I don't want my partner to think ahout 'it' the whole time because it means that he's only wants sexual relationship, not romantic one. I still think its too early for us... It's been more than a month now and... I want a romantic relationship with him... It's my desire but he's not a romantic type so I guess its understandable... I guess we are still getting use to being in a relationship. But still. Sometimes I feel that we are going fast yet slow, slow yet fast. But we are more honest and open with ourselves now, which is a good thing.

But I am anxious. That he might get tired of waiting and get bored. That I might not be able to satisfy him as a girlfriend. Or am I thinking too much??? I always overthink, but I need to be mentally prepared.

What do I want? I want to take things nice, slow and easy. I want a romantic relationship between us for now which I doubt... Sighh...

Am I making it worse?....


[This post is regarding the last post I made, if anyone was confused with what I said. I thought if I should mention about it here in my blog because it is personal so I tried to be discreet in my last post, but I needed to get my mind off it here in this post. This is what I've been thinking lately.]

43. ???

There's a lot in my mind but I cannot discuss it here... There are so much things and I can't think properly... I cannot be rational and think logically... I thought I was sensible? But what is this? How did I end up like this?

It's weird...

42. Miss Mum

Miss mum... I wish she was here... She's coming back the 10th of August... I miss her cooking the most... Can't deny about that...

41. BTS Concert

Went to BTS Concert last night and how was it? So-so. There was too much people and the concert was delayed. My friends and I were just lucky enough to find a spot where we can see them. At least we could see them because there were people that couldn't see them at all. I'm glad we watched all the members performing all our favourite songs. I'm glad I saw them in real life.

40. Fourth Date

Our fourth date and it was truly, a night I will never forget. We had lunch at mizuya and spent most of our time there. Even after we finished our meals, we sat there and chatted a lot. We decided to go another karaoke run just for an hour. There was this moment where he went to the bathroom and I didn't realise he came back, because he bear hugged me in surprise. He truly scared me but I felt happy that he did such romantic act. We sang for an hour but it felt TOO short. But still a great time.

After karaoke, we headed to Darling Harbour and went to this christmas-like festival room. There were cosplay people, glowing light trees, white patch of floor to make it look like snow but didn't feel like it. Then, there was this machine where it produces fake snow for every few minutes. This was the first time where we first experienced our first 'snow' together', and I have seen another bright smile of his. @><@ This was the time where I asked him if we could take selfies together. I've finally had the courage to ask him for selfies. His phone was the latest model and has high camera quality. His camera was spectacular because his camera could take pictures in high details and resolution. The problem I looked ugly in them. TT^TT But we had our selfies together. ^^

We then chilled at the platform in front of waterside, but soon went to the Ferris wheel. It was worth it because one ride costs $8 per person, and it was a long ride. We went into the ferris wheel together and enjoyed amazing views around Darling Harbour. He said 'I like you' in english for the first time. ^^ We made another bet, but I lost the bet and, the loser has to do what the winner says. TT^TT Plus, he was going to give me a payback for teasing him. TT^TT

Throughout the whole night, we were honest with each other and getting to know more about each other. We did grew closer and changed in some ways, that are good. He has a soft side that he didn't knew it exist, and I didn't know I could be affectionate to someone this much. I was happy with the things he said, and no matter what, I love him from the bottom of my heart.

I love you my love, and always will.

39. +100%

Is there a limit where you love someone? I know for sure that I am in love with him... whether it'll be over 100%, or 200%, or 300%, even there is no such thing as over 100%, I know for sure it's those numbers because its definitely not a NO!