104. Broken

I've been crying for 5 days straight everynight until yesterday I was able to stop crying. But the tears came back. I haven't been able to sleep properly and now I'm not in the mood to go to uni anymore. I can barely concentrate and just want to go home early, not that I love being at home though.

I can't sleep properly anymore and why do I even bother for uni... I just wanna quit everything. I put a fake smile around my friends and family. And later I cry everynight.

Always thinking of bad things, bad thoughts, and just have a bad reflection of myself.

I just want to be happy. But I can't be happy when my parents are in the way. I want them to be happy for me and we all can be happy. Why? Why are they against me so much? Why are they so over protective? Against who? Why can't they just believe in me. Why are they making it harder for me?

Why can't they just leave me alone?...

I feel happy to be with my friends and loved ones. But my family?... I don't know anymore because I don't feel loved by them...

103. Caged up

I feel so caged up. I have lost my freedom...

I told SS that I'll be happy trrw last night, but I was depressed the whole day. I couldn't be my normal self. I wasn't happy with anything. I felt I wanted to go home early during my class break, but I didn't because I'm scared I'll cause more trouble...

I was depressed the whole day, on the way I went home and finally when I went to my room, I just cried. Cried because I was depressed, had to let it out. I feel so empty and alone. 

I've been crying for four days straight and I've never felt anymore depressed...

Hate myself...

102.

My bad habit came out... If SS found out, he wouldn't like me anymore. No, no one will like me anymore.

101. Thoughts about breaking up

Would everything be better if we just broke up? Would it be all better then?

Should i just be an obedient dog for a while?

100. Hate

I hate everything... hate everything in life. Hate myself. There is nothing I can do that will make anything better. Time wont heal wounds or past. I won't be able to escape this pain, this sin.

99. SS meeting my parents

Yesterday, my mum and I were shopping around in the city. And later for lunch, SS will be joining us and will meet my mum. SS and my mum saw each other before but they just greeted each other. Yesterday was a very important day for me. My parents is not fond of my S.O and for a long time whenever I have a fight with my parents, it would be about my relationship with SS.

I really wanted my parents to meet SS so that they could know what kind of person SS is like, and really hope my parents might change their views on him, even if its a tiny bit. SS is a really great guy and I want my parents to know that.

My mum wanted to eat steak so we went to a restaurant where they had steak. We sat together and we all started to converse with each other. I was explaining to SS of what I did today with my mum earlier, and the conversation went from there. Soon afterward, my mum started on a different topic and asked SS, "What do you like about Bubbles?" SS replied, "Everything." My mum then explained her thoughts of me coming home late and how she doesn't like that. She also mentioned about my dad, and she apologised that my dad is not open about our relationship and hope that SS would understand and would give some time for my dad to open up. SS responded that he understands and he doesn't mind about it.

The three of us talked for a while and chilled at the restaurant. My mum were planning to meet up dad after lunch when he finishes work. SS asked my mum if he could greet my dad and my mum said that it was alright. We then went to in front of QVB building and I saw my dad heading towards us. My mum first went up to him, then my dad came over to us (me and SS). Both of them shook hands, and my dad asked what was this (he was pointing at the bag). SS said that it was a gift for my mum and Dad said, "Thank you so much". I hugged my dad later, and soon after we said our farewells, and my parents were heading home, while I stayed to hang out with SS.

We were walking, and I asked him if he was nervous. He said a little. I asked him with my mum or dad or both? He said my dad. But I'm glad that both my parents were able to meet him. Especially my dad. I hope that my parents and SS could get along well. I just want them to know that I'm with a good guy. If I'm gonna date SS for a long time, I want my parents to be happy about it. If they're not fond of my relationship with SS, then of course I'll be depressed about it and don't want it to affect my relationship with SS. I really did felt guilty about yesterday though. I felt that I was giving pressure or burden to SS in some way about him meeting my parents but he did say that he wanted to meet my parents. He did told me that he was happy yesterday and I'm glad that everything went well.

For a long relationship with SS, I hope that my parents will be on good terms with SS.

98. Doubts

I do have low self esteem and confidence which is not a very good thing. When I try to achieve my goals, I never reach those expectations of mine... so I stopped expecting myself so much, which then I expected myself so low. So low, that I think I'll never be able to achieve my goals... So in the end, I wouldn't be too upset because that is what I expected... I expected it low...

I just didn't want to feel guilty or too depressed which is why I changed my way of thinking and its been affecting who I am everyday... I am always insecure, and I don't believe in myself... I am confused of what to do.

But recently, I did something because I wanted to do it. But I just have doubts and don't believe in myself. I don't think I'll be able to make it. Even though I really wish for it, and I have all the right requirements, I still don't think I can make it. There might be even more better people who'll get it. We'll just have to wait and see for a while...

I wish I can be more confident... Where did my confidence go?...

97. 2016 so far

The start of this year definitely wasn't the best. Ugh... January... Things didn't turn out well with family at first. Was really dissatisfied with part time job, and was just uncomfortable working in that environment. But was really happy and free when I get to quit working there.

But February was even better because I had time away from home, and get to travel overseas with my friends and BY ON A CRUISE! It was my first time experience and it was definitely worth it. I've always wanted to those beautiful clear water, the crystal light blue waves. Get to swim with the fishes. The cruise itself was great. Except there was no wifi and I ended up VERY tanned... TT^TT Came back from the cruise and enjoyed my last week of freedom before uni started.

March was definitely my 'proactive' month. When it comes to learning, memorising, getting things DONE, being practical, being organised, cramming and being EXHAUSTED and SLEEPY! With uni, it's that period where you get busy, busy to meet with your loved ones. I miss ss and my friends. But I did get to meet up with my friends, and we went bowling together. Recently, I also went fishing for the first time. I get to spend some quality time with my family. ^^

Now it's April, and after this friday, I'LL BE FREE! LITERALLY! After I hand in this stupid report on friday, I'm free. Get a one week free break and I cannot wait to party. I am so excited. Catching up with animes, friends and SS. One week break is not enough but it'll do. I would finally like to get some rest..... TT^TT sigh..... It's not a joke with uni. Not a joke at all. After one week break, I have to go through another 7 busy weeks....

I feel that time is going slow yet fast.

96. Things I decided

This year, I decided to let things go, never lie to my parents, to be more honest, to quietly attend uni, ignore bad things, to at least try my best with studies, to lose weight, to spend more time with your loved ones, to at least try to get red p license, to watch more and update with animes.

95. Do I have a dream?

Yes I do. My number one dream is to travel to Japan. That is my number one goal in life. I never had a bucket list until early last year.

I really, really, really hope I get to go to Japan. I really hope..... please......

That is my only dream. Once I go to Japan, my happiness will be achieved.

94. Let things go

I stopped making new years resolution because I never achieve them and thought what was the point. But I did made few decisions this year. I decided to let things go. Things that are not important to me, or more like, I'm not important to them. But I do hold on and wait for some things, but other things I definitely know they aren't worth waiting for. I hope to whoever reads this don't misunderstand this.

It's just that before in my first year of uni, I was so scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my uni life and that I won't be able to make any friends. But I did. But you know, even though you are close acquainted with them, they're still your uni friends. You guys would only talk about assignments, uni, studies, and if you guys have common interests then you'll talk about that too. But that's just it. They won't be your close friend unless you guys are in the same classes, units, are in the same course and campus. But that's just it.

I remember in my first year of uni, I wanted to be more sociable and talk to new people, and make new friends. But I gave up this year. Because I know that we will just be acquaintance and nothing more. And do you know how awkward it is when you know someone and you see them... Before you guys walk pass by each other, and you think to yourself, "I should greet them otherwise they'll think I'm rude". Then we come up to each other and hug each other, and say "Hey how've you been?" We're just asking out of courtesy not curiosity.

That's why I let things go. Because they are worth doing, just wasting time. This post seems rude of me. But really, they don't care about you too. I decided to quietly progress with my uni life. But if there are people that are interested in becoming your friend then why not? Become friends with them and talk to them. But I just decided to keep and wait for what's important to me. Just keep people that are important to you, and they feel you are important to them. That's what matters. Just let things go if they aren't worth it.

That even includes family members. I've stopped talking to my brother ever since last mid-year. He does not give one damn care about me and doesn't even initiate to have a proper conversation with me. When I came back on a cruise, my mum asked him if he missed me. Before he answered, I said "Of course not, it doesn't make a difference whether I'm here or not." Then my mum asked him if that was true. He gave that look that I was right and my mum was surprised. Of course I knew. I know our relationship. We not close and we just stopped talking to each other. My dad said that we're a family so we should stay close but trust me. I tried with my brother throughout high school. High school was when he became distant with me. I gave up last year. But I tried and tried. But it's futile. So I let it go.

If people don't think I'm important to them, when they are to me... Then I don't need them in my life. Why should I care for them when I tried and tried? Only those who feel that I'm important to me, and they are important to me are worth keeping for a lifetime. This also applies with other people who I tried and tried with but no. They don't give a damn, so I stopped giving a damn. If you think I change,  please. I just let you go in my life. Why should I hold onto something that are just making myself feel bad, and look bad? Why should I cling onto something that are just not true? but a fake.

But there are things that are worth waiting for. So I am a very patient person. And I will wait and wait. There things that are worth waiting and keeping for.

93. Stupid Report

Recently, I have been stressing about this stupid uni report. I hate it sooooo much. It's been driving me nuts!!!! Sighhhh. I have been stressing about it and sighhhhhhhh..... I swear to god after I hand this report in, I am literally free. Literally! Sighhhh