It's not that easy to try to think positively. Especially if you have the habit of overthinking too much... overthinking negatively of everything. But I will try my best to fix that. It will take time but I try my best.
Earlier this month I gave him this bottle with 100 capsules inside. Inside these capsules contains a mini scroll where you can write special messages on them. After writing 100 messages, and placing them inside the pills, I gave it to him. ^^ He probably thought it was some kind of weird drugs but nope. They're very good for your heart.
Anyways, he decided to read one capsule, each day. It was a good idea that he came up with. ^^ That way he can have fun reading them everyday for about 3months and a bit. He's not that much of a curious person so he can handle it.
When he read his first capsule message, I was on a Skype call with him. I wanted to know which messages will be his first. ^^ It was soooooo embarrassing to hear the message from him. Since he loves my reaction, he decided to read it only when we're on Skype call, or if we meet each other in person. When we're on Skype call, he likes to tease me by taking his time and not letting me know the message instantly. Aiiyaaa... When we meet each other in person, he choose the capsule, and I get to read it out loud in front of him. Sighhhh.... It's so embarrassing to do these things..... that's why he loves my reactions.
However, when we don't see each other, or don't go on Skype calls, he doesn't read the capsules. So the next time we're on Skype call or we meet each other, we make up how many capsules we haven't read. Which is a good idea too.
But lately, I just.... was slightly depressed. I was overthinking too much about our relationship. I thought I understood him, and that I am the only person who can understand him well... but I guess not. Because I am not confident with myself... So I started to question about our relationship and about him. But I was thinking too deep and was stupid. Sighhh....
I caught up with him, and met him today. I did tell him some parts about it, but I didn't tell him how I was slightly depressed.
I asked him, "Did you miss me?"
"I missed you"
"you did?"
"yes"
"......"
Then I asked him another question, "Do you love me?"
"I love you"
"you do?"
"I do"
I felt happy knowing that he loves me. Because he's a shy guy, he doesn't say or does much. So it's really hard to tell if he does care about me or loves me...
I did tell him that lately I was worried. Because he didn't say 'I love you' lately these days (or weeks)... He told me that he still gets embarrassed when saying those words. So when he does say it, it means a lot. I understood what he meant. I really do understand. There are people who say I love you constantly to their partners everyday, but with him... he says it when we're in a moment. He told me that, if he says 'I love you' regularly, that it wouldn't feel much as a worth. I later told him that, if he does say those words, it worths a lot and that it means a lot to me. But he is a shy guy at heart when it comes to romance. Sighhh... And I thought I was shy but it seems that he is, at times.
Even though I get red, and blush alot, and gets embarrassed a lot by being around him, it seems that he's more shyer than me.
Back then, I couldn't stand it when he was staring at me when we met up after I confessed to him. So I told him to sit next to my side, so in that way, I wouldn't have to keep in eye contact with him. I was really, really shy around him. My heartbeat a lot around him, and I couldn't control it. I couldn't talk to him properly/casually like with my friends/uni friends.
When I was going to meet him at his workplace, I couldn't keep myself still. I kept on leaving the store and coming back in several times. I was really shy around him... I just couldn't believe it you know. That he was my boyfriend.
My face kept on getting red whenever I was around him for the first month we started dating. And I thought that was annoying him, but he said he found it cute. I decided to control my blushes, and my heartbeat, and not to get tooooo excited whenever I meet up with him. Because I have to start getting use to being around him if we're going to be in a long term relationship. After that, I tried to be more confident around him, and talk to him causally (without getting nervous!).
I must say, I definitely got use to being around him without being shy now. I'm myself when I'm around him.
In one of my old posts before, I mentioned how when I was single, and thought that if I get a partner, I would treasure and be loving to that partner. Yep. That is true. I say 'I love you', 'I miss you', kiss SS on his cheeks, being clingy to him. These actions wouldn't be count as shy. But for him it is. He's not a huggy or a physical type of person, so that he felt comfortable when I was clingy onto him. I guess it's because that I initiate to hold his hand first, or hug him first.
But when it comes to kissing on the lips, or saying 'I love you', or 'I miss you', I want him to make the first moves. Because those actions are very special, and I would be over the moon if he do those things first. To show that he really does care, and loves me.
At first, whenever I mentioned how I missed him a lot. He didn't know how to reply and would try to avoid saying those words back to me. I felt depressed at first. But then I realised he gets embarrassed by saying those words.
When it comes to kissing, sometimes he and I initiates the kiss. So I don't have any problems with that.
But when it comes to saying 'I love you'........... I really do want to say 'I love you' to him. I really want to say those words every time I see him. But... when I did a lot at first, he questions how I say those words a lot. I thought that how he didn't like hearing those words all the time or how I ight have annoyed him... So I stopped saying 'I love you', and would only say those words when we're in the right moments.
But recently, when I said, "I love you" to him. He avoided saying those words and say, 'Thank you. I really appreciate your words', instead. Of course I rather hear a genuine 'I love you' than instead of a force 'I love you'. I didn't mind it at first, until..... I didn't hear him saying those words to me as often to me anymore...
That's why I was overthinking a lot... because we haven't been contacting each other a lot recently... but when we did have the chance, he didn't read the capsules (probably because he forgot...). And he didn't say, 'I miss you', or 'I love you' as often anymore... I thought that he might have found me boring, or annoying, or that I wasn't important enough to him.... but no I was overthinking too much. He's a busy man with works, and games. Plus, he's shy to say those embarrassing (sweet) stuffs. I thought that recently, we were growing distant with each other but no. I was just thinking too much, thinking too deep.
The night before we met today, we had a Skype convo.
SS: so you have no plans tomorrow?
Me: I do~ To see you. Do you have plans trrw?
SS: do I?
Me: Do you?
SS: maybe?
Me: If you're busy trrw then we dont have to meet
SS: thought i'll be busy cause i'll be meeting you though
Me: >< What to do with you...
I thought that he didn't wanted to see me but he did. Later, we went on a Skype call and I reminded him that we didn't have to meet tomorrow if he's tired or sick. Then he asked me, "You don't want to see me tomorrow?"
"No, of course I want to see you. But I care more about your wellbeing. Your health is way more important than me being selfish..."
"..."
We kinda had a awkward pause until he asked me,
"Do you want to see me tomorrow?"
"Yes..."
I'm glad that I met up with him today, and talked some parts about it to him. And I was over here being depressed for no reason. He's a good guy and he wouldn't treat me that way. He loves me, it just that he doesn't show it that much. And I misunderstood it, and thought negatively about it. Sighhh....
I need to fix my habit of overthinking...
Saturday, 31 October 2015
Thursday, 29 October 2015
73. Happy Birthday Adorable
A big happy birthday to my best friend in the world Adorable. I'm really glad that this time I successfully convinced you to go out with me to celebrate your bday. I was laughing and happy the whole time of how excited your bf was during the korean bbq buffet. I'm glad that I made someone happy. But of course, your happiness is more important and meant a lot to me. I'm glad you were happy and everyone was happy because that makes me happy too.
After dinner, we went to the beach and that was the first time I went to the beach at night. It wasn't pretty as I thought it did, but damn it was fun and memorable. I didn't know your eyesight was this bad that you couldn't see ANYTHING. Lollll. It was fun going into the waters, playing with the sand, trying to ses how deep our footprints were. When you flicked the twig at the sand, that hurts coz the sand went into my eyes. Not a good feeling. =___=
Over these two years, I realised how comfortable I am with you and Pat. Goshhh.... There are still traumas though... Ahahaha
Thank you, thank you and thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for being my friend. I really hoped you enjoyed your bday Adorable. Even though there weren't that much stars tonight, at least we had seen a big, beautiful orange moon.
Happy Birthdayyyyy Adorableeee~~
After dinner, we went to the beach and that was the first time I went to the beach at night. It wasn't pretty as I thought it did, but damn it was fun and memorable. I didn't know your eyesight was this bad that you couldn't see ANYTHING. Lollll. It was fun going into the waters, playing with the sand, trying to ses how deep our footprints were. When you flicked the twig at the sand, that hurts coz the sand went into my eyes. Not a good feeling. =___=
Over these two years, I realised how comfortable I am with you and Pat. Goshhh.... There are still traumas though... Ahahaha
Thank you, thank you and thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for being my friend. I really hoped you enjoyed your bday Adorable. Even though there weren't that much stars tonight, at least we had seen a big, beautiful orange moon.
Happy Birthdayyyyy Adorableeee~~
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
72. Today
Today, I've met up with my uni friend called Michelle. I really like hanging out with her. Today was all fun until after we had to go home. I was in the train and comteplating my relationship with SS. There I go again, overthinking too much... I was slightly depressed but soon after I got off at my station, I saw my childhood friend. We caught up with our lives, and he introduced my to his friend named Cid/Syd?... I told my childhood friend that I have a boyfriend and he was very curious. He started to ask me all these questions about my boyfriend. I think he's gonna stalk my special someone later on facebook. ^^
As I was walking back home, I was contemplating about life. I have such a happy life and I should stop thinking so negatively. I realised that thinking of every worst possible scenarios is a very bad idea because even though you're mentally prepared for it, you're still going to be depressed about it. I don't like feeling depressed.
Therefore, I'm going to change my views from now on. I am going to think positively from now on. Thinking negatively doesn't help me at all. It makes me depressed. It makes me overthink too much. I am going to enjoy every single moment as best as I can.
If there are any worst case scenarios, I will stay strong. I will be strong. I will take care of it when the time comes.
I need to fix my habit of overthinking too much.
Life is bittersweet.
As I was walking back home, I was contemplating about life. I have such a happy life and I should stop thinking so negatively. I realised that thinking of every worst possible scenarios is a very bad idea because even though you're mentally prepared for it, you're still going to be depressed about it. I don't like feeling depressed.
Therefore, I'm going to change my views from now on. I am going to think positively from now on. Thinking negatively doesn't help me at all. It makes me depressed. It makes me overthink too much. I am going to enjoy every single moment as best as I can.
If there are any worst case scenarios, I will stay strong. I will be strong. I will take care of it when the time comes.
I need to fix my habit of overthinking too much.
Life is bittersweet.
Thursday, 22 October 2015
71. The future?
On my Bday, I was having a deep conversation with SS. He first said happy birthday to me, then asked me if I have any goals before I turn 20. I honestly dont. So I said to continue with uni for now. He then asked me about my career wise, my job. He asked if I want to become or could become a teacher. To be honest, I really don't have any confidence in myself. I really don't know if I could become a teacher but....... I didn't lie to him but...... I answered yes. Because even though I don't believe in myself now, I have to become a teacher don't I? It's my degree.
I am studying this degree but I don't even know if I could become a teacher. But I know that I have to become a teacher because I have to get a full time job later soon in the future anyways....... I have to become a teacher... I have to get a job that relates to that field.... so.... I answered yes......
I guess I didn't want him to worry about my job career because..... he's worrying about himself now..... So he shouldn't think about mine just yet. When the time comes, then I will start worrying about my career. Right now I just wanna concentrate on not failing on any of my units and improve my japanese! I really, really want to do better in japanese. Sighhhh.....
Anyways, back to the topic. I didn't have any goals before I turn 20, I just wanted to concentrate on uni for now. I later told him that I only focus on the present time, right now. Not the future, because he knows how I always overthink too much, so I believe that you should concentrate on what's important now, because you're living through the present time. He and I had some discussions about how you should also think about the future, so that you can prepare yourself and stuff, which I do! I just don't wanna think too much about the future, because it scares and worries me.......
I did tell him that I do think about the future.... how I'm scared that he's gonna get a full time job, and he's gonna be way more busier than he is right now... and that we'll hardly see each other... and that it scares me because I'll miss him too much... and that we might grow distant.....
I mentioned this many times before, but I'm going to say it again, we only see each other once a week. Once he's get a job.... we'll hardly see each other.... I want him to take breaks, let him rest on his day off because he'll be exhausted from work... His health is way more important so...... TT^TT But I am very emotional and I miss him a lot..... I can't handle long distance relationship..... And we don't really contact each other that much by text message anymore... because he and I are not texters... We use Skype to call each other now, but lately, we haven't been on a call...... We don't talk that much outside and........ if he does find a job..... I'm scared we'll grow distant...... TT^TT It's just that I can wait for him! I'll be paitent!!! But.... I'm scared that he'll get bored of me, or....... he doesn't care about me anymore if we don't contact each other that much........ I know him and I believe in him, and I trust him but........ I don't have doubts, and I really do trust him!!! But......... I have to think of every worst possible scenarios, you know... I have to think of the worst so I can prepare myself. This is why I hate thinking about the future because I always overthink and I hate that so muchhh. This is why you should focus on the present and live through the moment.... sighhh....
I did tell some of this to him, and he said he'll always tries to meet me if he has the chance to. TT^TT Because he too wants to see me. What he said touched my heart. I can tell that he loves me. Sighhhh... what can I do?...... I really do love him a lot.....
We briefly talked about our future. Sighhh.....
Right now, I am not interested in marriage, and not interested in having kids. But since I do overthink a lot about the future... I imagined myself being married to him..... I don't know if we'll get married or even could get married. Right now, my parents accepts that I'm dating with SS, but marriage is one thing they can't accept.... Sighhh..... Its understandable because we're still young, we're in our first relationship, and we've been in a relationship for more than four months now.... but still.... it hurts when they say those things.........
Sighhh.....
If I could get married to him, I'll be the happiest girl in the world.... ^^ My first boyfriend is my first and only love/hubby in the world. Hahaha.... I do think about these things but right now, I'm not interested in marriage. So I never talk about the 'marriage' topic with him. Plus we're still only dating.
But when we were having our deep conversation, we did talk about kids before. He wanted a family, and he wants 1 or 2 kids. We thought of the names for our kids. Since SS is white, and I'm black, we tried to name our kids that sounds similar to grey or silver. For a girl, he thought of Silvia, which I thought was pretty. But we couldn't come up any pretty or cool names that sounds similar to grey or silver for a boy. I did come up with some suggestions but they sound too weird.
Having these conversations with him is fun but then again... its sweet..... Because it shows how much he loves me that he even thinks about having kids with me in the future. I am potential to be his wife. Lollllll. It's still early to think about these things but I do think about these things from time to time.
At the start of our relationship, I never imagined marriage with him. Never. It's too early to think about that and plus I'm not interested in marriage. But I didn't know if he was gonna be my first and last boyfriend. I didn't think our relationship was gonna last a long time. I did thought of us of having possible break up in the future. This is why I hate thinking of every worst possible scenarios. But I am mentally preparing myself but then again....... I can't imagine myself breaking up with him because I love him too much...... I love him so much, how can I think about breaking up with him?! If we broke up..... I'm going to be very depressed.... I don't think I can handle us.... being separated.... I'll miss him a lot... I miss him too much... That's why when I do have the chance to meet him, I hold onto him, I just don't want to let him go.... Even if it's just for a minute, I want to stick by his side all the time. Because I love him...... There's this song and it fits my situation. I'm gonna love him like I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna use every moments we have together, and just love him for each hours, each minutes, each seconds.
I might seem clingy, and I worry about that all the time. On my bday, I asked him, "Do I annoy you?" He said no and asked me why. Because I worry that he might find it annoying if I'm clingy all the time. But he said he doesn't mind, and if I do annoy him, he would have said something already. ^^ Phew. I'm glad that it doesn't annoy him. I like to hold onto him all the time. What can I say... I'm a very huggy, cuddly person.
My gawd, I changed my topic again. Anyways, my point is, I really enjoy having deep conversations with him. I do like to know his opinions of his future, my future, and our future together. We don't really have these deep conversations but when we do, I really do enjoy them listening to them.
I wonder what lies ahead of our future together. But in any case, I will prepare any worst scenario, so I'll always be ready. I want to spend time with him, and be together with him. He really makes me happy and feel loved. I hope he feels the same way as much as I do. He really means a lot to me.... ><
I love you mwah love~
I am studying this degree but I don't even know if I could become a teacher. But I know that I have to become a teacher because I have to get a full time job later soon in the future anyways....... I have to become a teacher... I have to get a job that relates to that field.... so.... I answered yes......
I guess I didn't want him to worry about my job career because..... he's worrying about himself now..... So he shouldn't think about mine just yet. When the time comes, then I will start worrying about my career. Right now I just wanna concentrate on not failing on any of my units and improve my japanese! I really, really want to do better in japanese. Sighhhh.....
Anyways, back to the topic. I didn't have any goals before I turn 20, I just wanted to concentrate on uni for now. I later told him that I only focus on the present time, right now. Not the future, because he knows how I always overthink too much, so I believe that you should concentrate on what's important now, because you're living through the present time. He and I had some discussions about how you should also think about the future, so that you can prepare yourself and stuff, which I do! I just don't wanna think too much about the future, because it scares and worries me.......
I did tell him that I do think about the future.... how I'm scared that he's gonna get a full time job, and he's gonna be way more busier than he is right now... and that we'll hardly see each other... and that it scares me because I'll miss him too much... and that we might grow distant.....
I mentioned this many times before, but I'm going to say it again, we only see each other once a week. Once he's get a job.... we'll hardly see each other.... I want him to take breaks, let him rest on his day off because he'll be exhausted from work... His health is way more important so...... TT^TT But I am very emotional and I miss him a lot..... I can't handle long distance relationship..... And we don't really contact each other that much by text message anymore... because he and I are not texters... We use Skype to call each other now, but lately, we haven't been on a call...... We don't talk that much outside and........ if he does find a job..... I'm scared we'll grow distant...... TT^TT It's just that I can wait for him! I'll be paitent!!! But.... I'm scared that he'll get bored of me, or....... he doesn't care about me anymore if we don't contact each other that much........ I know him and I believe in him, and I trust him but........ I don't have doubts, and I really do trust him!!! But......... I have to think of every worst possible scenarios, you know... I have to think of the worst so I can prepare myself. This is why I hate thinking about the future because I always overthink and I hate that so muchhh. This is why you should focus on the present and live through the moment.... sighhh....
I did tell some of this to him, and he said he'll always tries to meet me if he has the chance to. TT^TT Because he too wants to see me. What he said touched my heart. I can tell that he loves me. Sighhhh... what can I do?...... I really do love him a lot.....
We briefly talked about our future. Sighhh.....
Right now, I am not interested in marriage, and not interested in having kids. But since I do overthink a lot about the future... I imagined myself being married to him..... I don't know if we'll get married or even could get married. Right now, my parents accepts that I'm dating with SS, but marriage is one thing they can't accept.... Sighhh..... Its understandable because we're still young, we're in our first relationship, and we've been in a relationship for more than four months now.... but still.... it hurts when they say those things.........
Sighhh.....
If I could get married to him, I'll be the happiest girl in the world.... ^^ My first boyfriend is my first and only love/hubby in the world. Hahaha.... I do think about these things but right now, I'm not interested in marriage. So I never talk about the 'marriage' topic with him. Plus we're still only dating.
But when we were having our deep conversation, we did talk about kids before. He wanted a family, and he wants 1 or 2 kids. We thought of the names for our kids. Since SS is white, and I'm black, we tried to name our kids that sounds similar to grey or silver. For a girl, he thought of Silvia, which I thought was pretty. But we couldn't come up any pretty or cool names that sounds similar to grey or silver for a boy. I did come up with some suggestions but they sound too weird.
Having these conversations with him is fun but then again... its sweet..... Because it shows how much he loves me that he even thinks about having kids with me in the future. I am potential to be his wife. Lollllll. It's still early to think about these things but I do think about these things from time to time.
At the start of our relationship, I never imagined marriage with him. Never. It's too early to think about that and plus I'm not interested in marriage. But I didn't know if he was gonna be my first and last boyfriend. I didn't think our relationship was gonna last a long time. I did thought of us of having possible break up in the future. This is why I hate thinking of every worst possible scenarios. But I am mentally preparing myself but then again....... I can't imagine myself breaking up with him because I love him too much...... I love him so much, how can I think about breaking up with him?! If we broke up..... I'm going to be very depressed.... I don't think I can handle us.... being separated.... I'll miss him a lot... I miss him too much... That's why when I do have the chance to meet him, I hold onto him, I just don't want to let him go.... Even if it's just for a minute, I want to stick by his side all the time. Because I love him...... There's this song and it fits my situation. I'm gonna love him like I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna use every moments we have together, and just love him for each hours, each minutes, each seconds.
I might seem clingy, and I worry about that all the time. On my bday, I asked him, "Do I annoy you?" He said no and asked me why. Because I worry that he might find it annoying if I'm clingy all the time. But he said he doesn't mind, and if I do annoy him, he would have said something already. ^^ Phew. I'm glad that it doesn't annoy him. I like to hold onto him all the time. What can I say... I'm a very huggy, cuddly person.
My gawd, I changed my topic again. Anyways, my point is, I really enjoy having deep conversations with him. I do like to know his opinions of his future, my future, and our future together. We don't really have these deep conversations but when we do, I really do enjoy them listening to them.
I wonder what lies ahead of our future together. But in any case, I will prepare any worst scenario, so I'll always be ready. I want to spend time with him, and be together with him. He really makes me happy and feel loved. I hope he feels the same way as much as I do. He really means a lot to me.... ><
I love you mwah love~
Wednesday, 21 October 2015
70. OMG
I cannot stop thinking about it... Something embarrassing happened to me today and it's... ARGHHHHHH OH MY GAWDDDDDD...... Hahahahahahhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe....
I'm going crazy.... TT^TT Someone please help me...... Oh god....... I'm thinking too much and I need to stop thinking about it.... Oh my god.... I keep on thinking of what happened today and arghhhhh.... What should I do next time.... Oh my god.... What can I do next time....... Oh noooo...... This is really bad........... I.... sighhhhh.....
I need to stop overthinking..... too much...... sighhh
I'm going crazy.... TT^TT Someone please help me...... Oh god....... I'm thinking too much and I need to stop thinking about it.... Oh my god.... I keep on thinking of what happened today and arghhhhh.... What should I do next time.... Oh my god.... What can I do next time....... Oh noooo...... This is really bad........... I.... sighhhhh.....
I need to stop overthinking..... too much...... sighhh
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
69. Thank you~
I would like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday on my bday. ^^ Thank you, thank you and thank you. And Thank you so much. Words cannot express how happy I really am. Honestly. Thank you so much. I don't know what else to say but thank you.
I had my exams on my bday today and I just didn't wanted to do anything but concentrate on my exams. After my exams were over, I was planning to go home and focus on my presentation, that was due trrw but no... I met with my friends and my SS together, and had karaoke and dinner. I'm glad that we all had fun and that we were all happy. That's what it really matters.
If I didn't meet them today on my bday, I might have had a depressing bday, so I am glad that my friend convinced me to go out. Even though there are some things that I don't want to do, (for e.g. going to formal, or night clubbing) I'm really glad my friend convinced me on this one. So thank you again my friend. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. And I love you all.
I had my exams on my bday today and I just didn't wanted to do anything but concentrate on my exams. After my exams were over, I was planning to go home and focus on my presentation, that was due trrw but no... I met with my friends and my SS together, and had karaoke and dinner. I'm glad that we all had fun and that we were all happy. That's what it really matters.
If I didn't meet them today on my bday, I might have had a depressing bday, so I am glad that my friend convinced me to go out. Even though there are some things that I don't want to do, (for e.g. going to formal, or night clubbing) I'm really glad my friend convinced me on this one. So thank you again my friend. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. And I love you all.
Friday, 16 October 2015
68. Hello Depression Part 2
I'm still stressed and worried. Sighhh......
I don't feel like talking to anyone when I'm at my lows, so I just don't go onto social networks. I know that's selfish of me, but I don't want to affect the people I care about, about my depression or when I'm not feeling the best. I cannot hide my feelings that well. I can't pretend to be happy and force a smile in front of you, and talk casually??? Noooo! When I talk to you, I'm gonna be real. I just don't want people to see my sad, ugly, bad side of me. I don't want them to worry about me.
But if I am sad and do wanna talk to you about it, then I will. But most of the time, I just don't want to affect them with my depression. Because it's nothing to worry about for them......
So since I had headaches for three days and I've been having family-problem-thing with my mum, I've been avoiding my mum, my friends, and my SS.
Being in your room for days, and not going out of that room, and not talking to your family members and anyone else outside through social media is........ also depressing. It makes you think a lot about depressing things which makes you even more depressed. Which is stupid.
When I try to talk to my mum to reconcile, she was still mad. And that made it worse. Seeeee. But when I don't talk to her, we become distant. It's stupid. She needs to get over it.
I haven't been talking a lot to SS this week at all. We only caught up once this week by call. Sighhh...... I miss him.... I really do miss him. When I'm busy with uni, and he's busy with work is..... sad.......... We don't have enough time to spend time together. We only see each other once a week....... So sad..........
We need to use every chances to see each other for now because....... I'll still be going to uni for another 2 more years, and by then he'll have a full time job and will be a lot busier than now........ What if we don't see each other a lot, and grew distant?..... TT^TT
My gawdddd..... Being depressed makes you think a lot of depressing things.......
I hate it...
I don't feel like talking to anyone when I'm at my lows, so I just don't go onto social networks. I know that's selfish of me, but I don't want to affect the people I care about, about my depression or when I'm not feeling the best. I cannot hide my feelings that well. I can't pretend to be happy and force a smile in front of you, and talk casually??? Noooo! When I talk to you, I'm gonna be real. I just don't want people to see my sad, ugly, bad side of me. I don't want them to worry about me.
But if I am sad and do wanna talk to you about it, then I will. But most of the time, I just don't want to affect them with my depression. Because it's nothing to worry about for them......
So since I had headaches for three days and I've been having family-problem-thing with my mum, I've been avoiding my mum, my friends, and my SS.
Being in your room for days, and not going out of that room, and not talking to your family members and anyone else outside through social media is........ also depressing. It makes you think a lot about depressing things which makes you even more depressed. Which is stupid.
When I try to talk to my mum to reconcile, she was still mad. And that made it worse. Seeeee. But when I don't talk to her, we become distant. It's stupid. She needs to get over it.
I haven't been talking a lot to SS this week at all. We only caught up once this week by call. Sighhh...... I miss him.... I really do miss him. When I'm busy with uni, and he's busy with work is..... sad.......... We don't have enough time to spend time together. We only see each other once a week....... So sad..........
We need to use every chances to see each other for now because....... I'll still be going to uni for another 2 more years, and by then he'll have a full time job and will be a lot busier than now........ What if we don't see each other a lot, and grew distant?..... TT^TT
My gawdddd..... Being depressed makes you think a lot of depressing things.......
I hate it...
67. Hello Depression
I do not like being depressed. Being depressed makes me unhappy. I do not like being unhappy.
Sighhh.....
I have one more week left till uni, and that week is exams and assignments week only. I need to concentrate and study for my exams, but recently I had a huge, on-going headaches for 3 days. I was restless, sleepy, couldn't concentrate at all that I bludged 2 of my classes, and left an hr early for one of my tutorials. Because I haven't felt this sick in a while, I just needed some rest.
All I want is quiet and peace. I want to sleep, do not bother me, and do not talk to me. My mum did not help with that at all, and we had a fight again. Whenever she has mood swings, she really gets irritated, and because I wasn't feeling well, I shouted at her to not talk to me. Because her mood doesn't help me any better with my sickness. Sighhh....
My headaches lasted till three days, and during those days, I've been avoiding my mum and been talking to her less lately. When we did talk, she was frustrated at me. Can't be helped. If you bother me when I'm sick, I swear you're not helping yourself, or me, or anyone.
After my headaches were gone, I focused my whole day studying. I was literally making up for the day I didn't study, and my head hurts again...... I over did it too much....
It's funny how I missed my mum when she was gone. But when she came back, the house is loud again, and so meticulous everywhere that our house smells like swimming pool. I missed her and when I am at uni, I do miss her but.... she hasn't changed you know. Well so did I. Because we still didn't change, our normal ways are coming back. Back to when we have fights.....
When my mum was gone, I wasn't depressed that much. I felt lonely because I didn't have my mum. I missed her. But I felt happy when she was gone because yes I do have freedom outside, but no when it comes to taking care of the house. I guess I haven't felt that depressed when she was gone because we didn't have any fights thats why. Now that she's back, my gawddddd.... I swear to god.......... I even told her on the first day, the first day when she came back home, "Mum, let's not ever fight again." She replied, "Why would we?"
Yeah Mum WHY WOULD WE?!!! HUH?!!!!
- Hello Depression. Where have you been all this time???
- I've took a vacation in Korea. But now I'm back.
- Oh wow. So did my mum. Whata coincidence~ Did you guys go together or something?
- Hmmm.... Something like that.
- Screw you.
Sighhh.....
I have one more week left till uni, and that week is exams and assignments week only. I need to concentrate and study for my exams, but recently I had a huge, on-going headaches for 3 days. I was restless, sleepy, couldn't concentrate at all that I bludged 2 of my classes, and left an hr early for one of my tutorials. Because I haven't felt this sick in a while, I just needed some rest.
All I want is quiet and peace. I want to sleep, do not bother me, and do not talk to me. My mum did not help with that at all, and we had a fight again. Whenever she has mood swings, she really gets irritated, and because I wasn't feeling well, I shouted at her to not talk to me. Because her mood doesn't help me any better with my sickness. Sighhh....
My headaches lasted till three days, and during those days, I've been avoiding my mum and been talking to her less lately. When we did talk, she was frustrated at me. Can't be helped. If you bother me when I'm sick, I swear you're not helping yourself, or me, or anyone.
After my headaches were gone, I focused my whole day studying. I was literally making up for the day I didn't study, and my head hurts again...... I over did it too much....
It's funny how I missed my mum when she was gone. But when she came back, the house is loud again, and so meticulous everywhere that our house smells like swimming pool. I missed her and when I am at uni, I do miss her but.... she hasn't changed you know. Well so did I. Because we still didn't change, our normal ways are coming back. Back to when we have fights.....
When my mum was gone, I wasn't depressed that much. I felt lonely because I didn't have my mum. I missed her. But I felt happy when she was gone because yes I do have freedom outside, but no when it comes to taking care of the house. I guess I haven't felt that depressed when she was gone because we didn't have any fights thats why. Now that she's back, my gawddddd.... I swear to god.......... I even told her on the first day, the first day when she came back home, "Mum, let's not ever fight again." She replied, "Why would we?"
Yeah Mum WHY WOULD WE?!!! HUH?!!!!
- Hello Depression. Where have you been all this time???
- I've took a vacation in Korea. But now I'm back.
- Oh wow. So did my mum. Whata coincidence~ Did you guys go together or something?
- Hmmm.... Something like that.
- Screw you.
Monday, 12 October 2015
66. Worried...
Sighhhh... I'm worried... I'm stressed... I don't know what to do... Time is killing me.... I've been paitent enough.... now I'm freaking out.......
Sunday, 4 October 2015
65. Thank you my friend ^^
Lately, I had a sleepover at my friend's house. I felt happy for staying over at her place. I had lots of fun. I just wanted to say thank you for everything. For introducing me to this lovely restaurant called Sun Tat, shopping together at Chullora, experiencing my first and second, and third Maccas run, having a movie marathon, playing card games and cards against humanity, for having hot pot as dinner, and just spending time with me.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed it the most. Thank you for being there for through my ups and downs, when I was happy, sad, or worried, and even mad! ^^
Thank you and I love you my friend. ^^
Thank you for being there for me when I needed it the most. Thank you for being there for through my ups and downs, when I was happy, sad, or worried, and even mad! ^^
Thank you and I love you my friend. ^^
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