It's not that easy to try to think positively. Especially if you have the habit of overthinking too much... overthinking negatively of everything. But I will try my best to fix that. It will take time but I try my best.
Earlier this month I gave him this bottle with 100 capsules inside. Inside these capsules contains a mini scroll where you can write special messages on them. After writing 100 messages, and placing them inside the pills, I gave it to him. ^^ He probably thought it was some kind of weird drugs but nope. They're very good for your heart.
Anyways, he decided to read one capsule, each day. It was a good idea that he came up with. ^^ That way he can have fun reading them everyday for about 3months and a bit. He's not that much of a curious person so he can handle it.
When he read his first capsule message, I was on a Skype call with him. I wanted to know which messages will be his first. ^^ It was soooooo embarrassing to hear the message from him. Since he loves my reaction, he decided to read it only when we're on Skype call, or if we meet each other in person. When we're on Skype call, he likes to tease me by taking his time and not letting me know the message instantly. Aiiyaaa... When we meet each other in person, he choose the capsule, and I get to read it out loud in front of him. Sighhhh.... It's so embarrassing to do these things..... that's why he loves my reactions.
However, when we don't see each other, or don't go on Skype calls, he doesn't read the capsules. So the next time we're on Skype call or we meet each other, we make up how many capsules we haven't read. Which is a good idea too.
But lately, I just.... was slightly depressed. I was overthinking too much about our relationship. I thought I understood him, and that I am the only person who can understand him well... but I guess not. Because I am not confident with myself... So I started to question about our relationship and about him. But I was thinking too deep and was stupid. Sighhh....
I caught up with him, and met him today. I did tell him some parts about it, but I didn't tell him how I was slightly depressed.
I asked him, "Did you miss me?"
"I missed you"
"you did?"
"yes"
"......"
Then I asked him another question, "Do you love me?"
"I love you"
"you do?"
"I do"
I felt happy knowing that he loves me. Because he's a shy guy, he doesn't say or does much. So it's really hard to tell if he does care about me or loves me...
I did tell him that lately I was worried. Because he didn't say 'I love you' lately these days (or weeks)... He told me that he still gets embarrassed when saying those words. So when he does say it, it means a lot. I understood what he meant. I really do understand. There are people who say I love you constantly to their partners everyday, but with him... he says it when we're in a moment. He told me that, if he says 'I love you' regularly, that it wouldn't feel much as a worth. I later told him that, if he does say those words, it worths a lot and that it means a lot to me. But he is a shy guy at heart when it comes to romance. Sighhh... And I thought I was shy but it seems that he is, at times.
Even though I get red, and blush alot, and gets embarrassed a lot by being around him, it seems that he's more shyer than me.
Back then, I couldn't stand it when he was staring at me when we met up after I confessed to him. So I told him to sit next to my side, so in that way, I wouldn't have to keep in eye contact with him. I was really, really shy around him. My heartbeat a lot around him, and I couldn't control it. I couldn't talk to him properly/casually like with my friends/uni friends.
When I was going to meet him at his workplace, I couldn't keep myself still. I kept on leaving the store and coming back in several times. I was really shy around him... I just couldn't believe it you know. That he was my boyfriend.
My face kept on getting red whenever I was around him for the first month we started dating. And I thought that was annoying him, but he said he found it cute. I decided to control my blushes, and my heartbeat, and not to get tooooo excited whenever I meet up with him. Because I have to start getting use to being around him if we're going to be in a long term relationship. After that, I tried to be more confident around him, and talk to him causally (without getting nervous!).
I must say, I definitely got use to being around him without being shy now. I'm myself when I'm around him.
In one of my old posts before, I mentioned how when I was single, and thought that if I get a partner, I would treasure and be loving to that partner. Yep. That is true. I say 'I love you', 'I miss you', kiss SS on his cheeks, being clingy to him. These actions wouldn't be count as shy. But for him it is. He's not a huggy or a physical type of person, so that he felt comfortable when I was clingy onto him. I guess it's because that I initiate to hold his hand first, or hug him first.
But when it comes to kissing on the lips, or saying 'I love you', or 'I miss you', I want him to make the first moves. Because those actions are very special, and I would be over the moon if he do those things first. To show that he really does care, and loves me.
At first, whenever I mentioned how I missed him a lot. He didn't know how to reply and would try to avoid saying those words back to me. I felt depressed at first. But then I realised he gets embarrassed by saying those words.
When it comes to kissing, sometimes he and I initiates the kiss. So I don't have any problems with that.
But when it comes to saying 'I love you'........... I really do want to say 'I love you' to him. I really want to say those words every time I see him. But... when I did a lot at first, he questions how I say those words a lot. I thought that how he didn't like hearing those words all the time or how I ight have annoyed him... So I stopped saying 'I love you', and would only say those words when we're in the right moments.
But recently, when I said, "I love you" to him. He avoided saying those words and say, 'Thank you. I really appreciate your words', instead. Of course I rather hear a genuine 'I love you' than instead of a force 'I love you'. I didn't mind it at first, until..... I didn't hear him saying those words to me as often to me anymore...
That's why I was overthinking a lot... because we haven't been contacting each other a lot recently... but when we did have the chance, he didn't read the capsules (probably because he forgot...). And he didn't say, 'I miss you', or 'I love you' as often anymore... I thought that he might have found me boring, or annoying, or that I wasn't important enough to him.... but no I was overthinking too much. He's a busy man with works, and games. Plus, he's shy to say those embarrassing (sweet) stuffs. I thought that recently, we were growing distant with each other but no. I was just thinking too much, thinking too deep.
The night before we met today, we had a Skype convo.
SS: so you have no plans tomorrow?
Me: I do~ To see you. Do you have plans trrw?
SS: do I?
Me: Do you?
SS: maybe?
Me: If you're busy trrw then we dont have to meet
SS: thought i'll be busy cause i'll be meeting you though
Me: >< What to do with you...
I thought that he didn't wanted to see me but he did. Later, we went on a Skype call and I reminded him that we didn't have to meet tomorrow if he's tired or sick. Then he asked me, "You don't want to see me tomorrow?"
"No, of course I want to see you. But I care more about your wellbeing. Your health is way more important than me being selfish..."
"..."
We kinda had a awkward pause until he asked me,
"Do you want to see me tomorrow?"
"Yes..."
I'm glad that I met up with him today, and talked some parts about it to him. And I was over here being depressed for no reason. He's a good guy and he wouldn't treat me that way. He loves me, it just that he doesn't show it that much. And I misunderstood it, and thought negatively about it. Sighhh....
I need to fix my habit of overthinking...
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