On my Bday, I was having a deep conversation with SS. He first said happy birthday to me, then asked me if I have any goals before I turn 20. I honestly dont. So I said to continue with uni for now. He then asked me about my career wise, my job. He asked if I want to become or could become a teacher. To be honest, I really don't have any confidence in myself. I really don't know if I could become a teacher but....... I didn't lie to him but...... I answered yes. Because even though I don't believe in myself now, I have to become a teacher don't I? It's my degree.
I am studying this degree but I don't even know if I could become a teacher. But I know that I have to become a teacher because I have to get a full time job later soon in the future anyways....... I have to become a teacher... I have to get a job that relates to that field.... so.... I answered yes......
I guess I didn't want him to worry about my job career because..... he's worrying about himself now..... So he shouldn't think about mine just yet. When the time comes, then I will start worrying about my career. Right now I just wanna concentrate on not failing on any of my units and improve my japanese! I really, really want to do better in japanese. Sighhhh.....
Anyways, back to the topic. I didn't have any goals before I turn 20, I just wanted to concentrate on uni for now. I later told him that I only focus on the present time, right now. Not the future, because he knows how I always overthink too much, so I believe that you should concentrate on what's important now, because you're living through the present time. He and I had some discussions about how you should also think about the future, so that you can prepare yourself and stuff, which I do! I just don't wanna think too much about the future, because it scares and worries me.......
I did tell him that I do think about the future.... how I'm scared that he's gonna get a full time job, and he's gonna be way more busier than he is right now... and that we'll hardly see each other... and that it scares me because I'll miss him too much... and that we might grow distant.....
I mentioned this many times before, but I'm going to say it again, we only see each other once a week. Once he's get a job.... we'll hardly see each other.... I want him to take breaks, let him rest on his day off because he'll be exhausted from work... His health is way more important so...... TT^TT But I am very emotional and I miss him a lot..... I can't handle long distance relationship..... And we don't really contact each other that much by text message anymore... because he and I are not texters... We use Skype to call each other now, but lately, we haven't been on a call...... We don't talk that much outside and........ if he does find a job..... I'm scared we'll grow distant...... TT^TT It's just that I can wait for him! I'll be paitent!!! But.... I'm scared that he'll get bored of me, or....... he doesn't care about me anymore if we don't contact each other that much........ I know him and I believe in him, and I trust him but........ I don't have doubts, and I really do trust him!!! But......... I have to think of every worst possible scenarios, you know... I have to think of the worst so I can prepare myself. This is why I hate thinking about the future because I always overthink and I hate that so muchhh. This is why you should focus on the present and live through the moment.... sighhh....
I did tell some of this to him, and he said he'll always tries to meet me if he has the chance to. TT^TT Because he too wants to see me. What he said touched my heart. I can tell that he loves me. Sighhhh... what can I do?...... I really do love him a lot.....
We briefly talked about our future. Sighhh.....
Right now, I am not interested in marriage, and not interested in having kids. But since I do overthink a lot about the future... I imagined myself being married to him..... I don't know if we'll get married or even could get married. Right now, my parents accepts that I'm dating with SS, but marriage is one thing they can't accept.... Sighhh..... Its understandable because we're still young, we're in our first relationship, and we've been in a relationship for more than four months now.... but still.... it hurts when they say those things.........
Sighhh.....
If I could get married to him, I'll be the happiest girl in the world.... ^^ My first boyfriend is my first and only love/hubby in the world. Hahaha.... I do think about these things but right now, I'm not interested in marriage. So I never talk about the 'marriage' topic with him. Plus we're still only dating.
But when we were having our deep conversation, we did talk about kids before. He wanted a family, and he wants 1 or 2 kids. We thought of the names for our kids. Since SS is white, and I'm black, we tried to name our kids that sounds similar to grey or silver. For a girl, he thought of Silvia, which I thought was pretty. But we couldn't come up any pretty or cool names that sounds similar to grey or silver for a boy. I did come up with some suggestions but they sound too weird.
Having these conversations with him is fun but then again... its sweet..... Because it shows how much he loves me that he even thinks about having kids with me in the future. I am potential to be his wife. Lollllll. It's still early to think about these things but I do think about these things from time to time.
At the start of our relationship, I never imagined marriage with him. Never. It's too early to think about that and plus I'm not interested in marriage. But I didn't know if he was gonna be my first and last boyfriend. I didn't think our relationship was gonna last a long time. I did thought of us of having possible break up in the future. This is why I hate thinking of every worst possible scenarios. But I am mentally preparing myself but then again....... I can't imagine myself breaking up with him because I love him too much...... I love him so much, how can I think about breaking up with him?! If we broke up..... I'm going to be very depressed.... I don't think I can handle us.... being separated.... I'll miss him a lot... I miss him too much... That's why when I do have the chance to meet him, I hold onto him, I just don't want to let him go.... Even if it's just for a minute, I want to stick by his side all the time. Because I love him...... There's this song and it fits my situation. I'm gonna love him like I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna use every moments we have together, and just love him for each hours, each minutes, each seconds.
I might seem clingy, and I worry about that all the time. On my bday, I asked him, "Do I annoy you?" He said no and asked me why. Because I worry that he might find it annoying if I'm clingy all the time. But he said he doesn't mind, and if I do annoy him, he would have said something already. ^^ Phew. I'm glad that it doesn't annoy him. I like to hold onto him all the time. What can I say... I'm a very huggy, cuddly person.
My gawd, I changed my topic again. Anyways, my point is, I really enjoy having deep conversations with him. I do like to know his opinions of his future, my future, and our future together. We don't really have these deep conversations but when we do, I really do enjoy them listening to them.
I wonder what lies ahead of our future together. But in any case, I will prepare any worst scenario, so I'll always be ready. I want to spend time with him, and be together with him. He really makes me happy and feel loved. I hope he feels the same way as much as I do. He really means a lot to me.... ><
I love you mwah love~
I don't think you would need to or should be think about the future. At your current age you should just live in the present, why worry about the future now? You are so young and you still got a long way to go before you even need to think about your future and your career. Honestly, you guys age difference causes you guys to live in different moments in time. I mean this is that he is at the age where he needs to think about the future and think about what he wants to do as a career while you are still in uni. You can change course or continue down your current path but there isn't any rush for you to decide just yet.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought maybe there is a better guy for you at there? I know when you are in a relationship and so in love you don't want think about that and you wanna stay with that special someone forever but you can never tell what will happen in the future. I feel that you should tell your special someone how you feel cause if you are think of a future with this person than there shouldn't be any secrets in a relationship.
You don't have to worry let, life take its path and just live in the present cause there is no point where about something that hasn't even happened. Worry about the future like your career when the time comes close. You too far away to even worry about it. To be honest for me, I have imagined of marriage at the very early stage of my relationship. I could see it very clearly but I was worried that cause I could see it that it might not come true. But then I reminder myself there is still a long way. I mean, you haven't even past your 1st anniversary I don't think you need to worry about it now. Unless you want to get married soon and at an early age.
Just don't worry, live life like it is. :)