133. Something is wrong with me...

Hello, I know it's been a long time since I blogged, but it was because I was busy. I just came back from China after two weeks and man... It was a blast. The program itself was interesting, fun and great learning experience. Living in China was difficult. Thank god I stayed at a 4-star hotel. Thank god. But otherwise, it was good and fun.

I made tons of friends along the way. And that's when it all hit me... Something is wrong with me... Something just clicked and I just don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Why? Why am I thinking something stupid? I feel like a terrible human being. I cannot expose the truth here in my blog because I am ashamed of myself and I cannot fully admit it. I don't know what to do with myself. Honestly... Why am I thinking this way?...

132. Father

I thought I was close with my dad. Even closer than my mum I thought. My dad doesn't even tries to understand or listen to me and just controls me. He doesn't let me do the things that I want to do because I'm a 'baby'. And I thought I knew you better. But no. What the fuck. I want to move out of the house soon...

131. Thank you

I really didn't care about my birthday this year. I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Last year when I was in my first year of uni, I always commented on ppl's facebook page when it was their birthday. Whoever's birthday it was, I always wished them a happy birthday. But this year, I didn't want to involve with people. I wanted to stay quiet in my own bubble. Because during some time of this year, I wanted to let go of people who didn't consider me as their friend. I didn't want to get attach to people who I still have feelings for but they didn't for me. There is nothing that I can do about it except wishing them a happy birthday on their facebook page. And so I let them go, became anti-social in uni, didn't wish anyone's birthday wishes on facebook (except for few).

All it matters is having your true friends, and people that really cares about you. That is plenty enough for me. However, I met plenty of great people this year, and made awesome friends not only in Australia, but over the world as well. I feel really lucky this year that I met these people in my life. There are people that aren't so bad after all. But by the time that I realised that my birthday was coming up, I just couldn't deal with it. I made my birthday date private on facebook, so that no one in my friends list will ever know my birth date and will wish me a happy birthday. I just don't want the attention and I don't want to stand out. I don't deserve these birthday wishes when I haven't wished for theirs. This does kinda make me feel bad about myself.

I really don't want anything from my birthday, I didn't expect anything to happen but lately, my special someone, my family and friends all surprised me with their birthday wishes and gifts.
Also, I got a call from a friend who (I haven't kept in contact for a long time) wished me a happy birthday. I felt so bad because she said she WILL get me a gift but still. I told her she didn't have to but she wanted to because she felt that I was her actual friend. WHY? I really didn't do anything at all. I haven't talked to you in a long time because I've been busy and it has always been you who have been initiating the contact. TT^TT I thanked her so much...

My special someone surprised me with a early birthday gift. He bought me an expensive branded gift. HE REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO. I felt bad because I was so broke that I couldn't afford anything to buy his bday gift. AND I STILL DIDN'T GET HIM ANYTHING. TT^TT And he got me this gift because he wanted to... He's not a romantic guy but he surprised me with this gift... I cried in front of him... I didn't deserve it at all... I cried because I was happy and how shocked I was...

My family celebrated my birthday with me, although it was a day earlier than the actual date. My brother who I am not close with bought me a gift. Flowers. He bought me blue flowers. He thought blue was my favourite colour but it's not. It's purple. But it's the thoughts that count. I told my mum that I didn't want cake because I don't like cake. But they still got me a cake and my brother paid for it. My dad gave me BIG pocket money. LOTS of pocket money. They took me to this Korean BBQ buffet restaurant. They sang the happy birthday song for me before we ate the cake. I didn't expect to celebrate my birthday with family like this. I just thought they would forget but no, they didn't.

And all of my close friends wished me a happy birthday when it was around 12am. I didn't expect them to say it around 12am. They remembered...

I'm not a special person. I'm really not. But these people... these people remembers and cares about me. I felt bad about myself for thinking this way. For not being open as I use to be. For becoming a shut in with people. For being anti-social. For not initiating contact with people. For neglecting people...

I just become too attach with people, I want to know more about them, I'm curious about their personality, opinions, beliefs, their life! I want to become their friends. But sometimes, people don't care about you. You may feel that way, but they don't. It feels awkward that I have these people as my friends on facebook but we're not friends because we never, EVER TALK! We just become acquainted with each other and just add each other on facebook. That's it. We never talk with each other and never initiate to contact each other. We're just acquaintance. I don't want that because I feel awkward... It's scary...

But that's besides the point, I felt special that I have these lovelies people who wished me a happy birthday. I just don't think I'm special that's all. I should really put more faith in myself.

130. Life update

I've been having a very good sleep routine for the past two weeks. I am actually quite happy about that because I have insomnia and I am a very nocturnal human being. But not anymore. I haven't been motivated with study that much anymore because the end of the semester is nearly coming. I'll be free from assignments, and exams. WHOHOOO!!! I've been keeping in touch with my friends often now since some of us have the same job together. Pluz, I want to keep in contact with friends who really care about me. Speaking of job, yes we got the job together and I am fairly happy. Need to save up money for my trip to China. ALSO, my Japanese friend came to Australia and I was sooo excited. Hope she has the best time during her stay here.

I've been very, very, very busy ever since I came back from Japan. Actually, I was very productive this year. Quite happy about that since I made lovely memories.

I think my relationship with my special someone is a special one. ^^ He and I are just inseparable. We always try to make time for each other, we understand each other and always communicate with each other. I love everything about him. I believe our relationship has gone deeper this year. Our love for each other will always be there.

Quite proud and happy about myself this year. I went on a cruise with Shirley and BC, and it will be an unforgettable experience. I have my close friends with me and my special someone. My dream came true which was to travel to Japan and make friends. I have a job that I like, and plus, a job that I can work with friends. I've been doing well with uni and should tap on my shoulder for that. Life has been going good so far.

It would have been even better if only I have a good relationship with my family. Otherwise, I want to move out.

129. Being weird is bad Part 2

After we hung up the call, I called my friend and... I apologised to her. She asked me what happened and I told her that I felt bad earlier today for making her mad. She said, "What??" I told her what happened, and she said she knew I was joking, and that she was alright. She forgot all about it. I still couldn't help myself but feel bad. She repeatedly told me that it was fine, and that she was ok. I cried during our call and she helped me calm down. I'm glad she wasn't truly mad at me. She said she was joking as well.

After that we went on a Skype call with our another friend and us three were talking for few hours. I later got a message from my partner asking if we could talk. I left the call with my friend (who was the only one left on the call) and I went over to talk to my partner. I wasn't happy with him. He said to me that he was worried if he made me mad. I told him that I wasn't mad, but more that he made me feel bad and sad. He wanted me to tell him which part made me feel sad. I told him everything of how I felt.  He then calmly told me his views on them. I mentioned, "You made me feel bad... I called my friend and she said that she knew it was joke, and that she was alright." 
I cried saying, "You hurt my feelings..."
He replied, "I am so sorry. Please don't cry. I will stop being critical and judgemental. I will do anything you say". 
I responded, "... but I still love you..."
"I love you too"
"I forgive you"
"Thank you"

128. Being weird is bad Part 1

When I feel that I am close with someone I get out of my comfort zone and just being open with them. I let them see all the random sides of me so that they can ses that I am me, true to myself, having fun with people. Then they would start calling me 'weird' but I took that as a compliment. Because I agree that I'm weird. Not everyone is normal, they're unique. They all have these unique sides to them. I only let mine expose when I feel comfortable with ppl I am with. If you see me being weird, it means you are a good friend that can see this side of mine. You made me feel comfortable and you're a nice person that won't judge harshly on me.

But then I did something bad. I was joking with my one of my friend, asking her if my partner was handsome or not. If she said no I would pretend to be upset with her but when she changed her mind to yes, I pretended to be in shock saying that "You think he's handsome?!! Are you saying you love him?" I said to her that I'll tell my partner about this so I messaged him saying that one of my friend thinks you're handsome and she loves you. She then later got mad at me. And I realised that she was being serious. I felt bad for mucking around. But I swear I didn't intentionally mean to hurt her. I wouldn't do this to any other people except my really close friends. She was my close friend. And I realised I hurt her feelings. I felt bad, really bad and I regretted it. I apologised to her mutiple times but she didn't speak to me. I felt really bad because she didn't accept my apologies and I don't know what to do that'll make her happy... So I just didn't say anything. But later she forgave me. I still feel bad... I feel bad...

I told this story to my partner and he said that now I know that I shouldn't do that again. He said I learnt my lesson now. He said, "Do you feel mature now?" I didn't know what to say... He just kept going saying, "Just listening to this makes me think you're weird". -


I am only weird with people I feel that I can trust. That didn't go so well. I remember mutiple times when different people called me 'weird' and I just replied, "Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment". Now I don't want to take it as a compliment anymore.

I remember when I was in Japan, my australian friend, let's call her mama, called me weird in front of our international friends. I replied thank you, I know I'm weird because I'm with you guys. I'm only weird with close people and I take that as a compliment. I remember Mama staring at our friends and rolled her eyes, telling them I'm even more weird. At that time I didn't too much about it. But jow that I think about it I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have been weird in the first place.

I guess when people are being weird you seem them as childish and immature..... I should stop being weird now. People view it badly of me and I don't want them to think like that.


- "Just listening to this makes me think you're weird". I didn't say anything because I knew he was right. I am weird in a bad way. He kept talking to me but I didn't respond because I don't know what to say anynore. Nothing I say to him are ever good. When he asked me a question and I didn't reply, he knew I stopped talking. Then he said, "I'll stop talking too". We had an awkward pause between us and I hated it. I hated being in that situation. When can I do???! Honesly what can I do? Should I apologise to him for being weird???!! Then I told him that let's hang up the call and I'll talk to him later. He asked me if I was sure, and If I was ok. I said to him let's hang up the call and he didn't hold back and agreed. He said he'll go for a shower. And we just hanged up.

I don't want to talk to him for a while. I don't want to initaite the first move to contact him.

127. Happy

Although I experienced unfortunate events this year, I feel that there were many good events that happened to me this year. A lot more good events especially this year. I mist say I became a lot more lucky this year. Even though I lost my opal card, srudent ID, and my phone was dropped in the toilet (that's another story), my dreams and passion of travelling came true and China is yet to be. I must say, I thought I screwed up because I didn't get the job but I did. I'm so happy. I'm lucky to have got the job. I thought it was the end for me but no. My special someone got out of his office just to call me and comfort me. He's the sweetest. I love him very much. And not only do I love him but my friends too. I love my friends and I'm glad that I have them in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you my friends and my love. You bring joy to my life everyday.

126. Screwed up

I missed my chance and I screwed up. F me... Sighhh... Hate myself...

125. Good luck Bubs!

I hope everything goes well today... I really hope so. I don't believe in myself and really have low self esteem. But I like to explore and try new things. I shall have fun and try my best. Good luck bubs!

124. Moving out

I mentioned this before but I really don't know what to do with my life. But I really want to move and life away from my family. I sound like a bad daughter but anyways, I do believe that I'm a bad daughter. I just want to live on my own. It sounds bad to say this, but... I don't feel happy when I'm living with my parents. I have an older brother who doesn't give a damn about me, he won't care if I die or not. My mum who always likes to fight with me. I have a traditional and overprotective dad which is fine for him to care for me but it's TOO much. He restricts my freedom. He wouldn't let me cut my hair short, he wouldn't let me go out for too late, he will say no if I want to travel overseas, he'll get angry at me when i fight with mum coz he thinks it's my fault, he just wants me to focus on studying, studying, studying, he won't even let me get a part time job because experience doesn't matter but studying does.. pfttt

I know there are people out there who had it worse than me, but I'm sorry. I don't like living with my family. I want to move out.

123. Stressed out

Just recently I've been stressed because of so much stuffs that has been going on. Last week I received an email from my uni that I got a scholarship to go to China. I was soo happy. For this scholarship I only need to pay for my airfare ticket, travel insurance and other personal costs. But I don't have money, and I don't want to ask my parents for money again since I already went to Japan recently. Plus, my parents were already fighting at that time because of money. My parents didn't talk to each other for one week... My parents were struggling with money, but they want me go to China. That's why ever since I received that email, I've been looking for a job for a week. I got few replies but they didn't work out for me. But next week, I have a job interview and I really, really, really do hope I get it. I need to save much money as I can before I go to China. I have been very desperate in finding a job.

Other than stressing out part time job and money, I've also been stressing about uni. As the end of the mid-week of the semester is near, assignments and tests have been coming up. I have so much things due in one week, especially this week. After this friday, I'LL BEE FREEE! OMGGGG. HURRY UP FRIDAY!!!

122. Very happy

In my last blog, I mentioned how I felt distant with my special someone. I knew that I overthink too much but I wanted to discuss about it with him. I was scared of how he might react or respond. I don't want to hear him say that I'm thinking too much because you know, he could be right... But I also don't want him to be mad at me if I'm the only one who feels and thinks of this way.

It was very difficult for me to tell him of how I felt lately, but at one point when I couldn't express myself, he said, "Tell me before I go to sleep". I could sense his annoyance when I wanted to tell him but I couldn't tell him because I was scared of telling him.
 I finally let it out, "I feel that... we became distant... recently..."
"Distant? What do you mean?"
"You... haven-*mumbling*-"
"What? I can't hear you when you're mumbling"
"*Deep breath*... You haven't... been... initiative... when contacti-*mumbling*-e".
"Ooh"

We talked about it for a while and I am very amazed of how he took it because he agreed with me. Not the distant part but how he hasn't been initiative as before. He did tell me that he thought he was being initiative a lot already (because he's a very reserved person and doesn't contact his friends at all, unless they only contact him first, but otherwise he always replies fast) after I told him if he can be initiative as well earlier this year. He told me he has been tired lately from work and that's why he hasn't been initiative. I knew that, that could be the reason because he's always work overtime most of the times, and he's tired and that's why I didn't want to contact him all the times because I didn't want to bother him. But not hearing from him at all ever since I came back from Japan, I really missed him a lot. He always replies when I contact him first, otherwise if I don't contact him, we don't talk at all for the whole days. I felt bad when acknowledged that he hasn't been initiative but I did not expect him to agree with me. He is such an understanding person and I love him for that.

Ever since our relationship, I've been changing him quite a bit. He's not a romantic person and he wasn't use to physical contact but since I'm clingy, he had to get use to it and now he likes me when I hold his hands, and hug him. I was the first girl who he ever initiated to hug to. And look at him now, he comes and tries to hug me. @^^@ He gets embarrassed when saying things like 'I like you', and 'I miss you', now he says, "I love you", "I want to see you", "I miss you". He has become a lovey dovey person.

And that was the whole point of this blog. I was very happy today. I was at home finishing off my report that was due in two days, whilst my special someone was participating in a marathon with two of his friends. I wanted to come to the finishing line to see them finish but I needed to get my report done. So I couldn't make it, instead I meet them at night and go pokemon hunting with them. I met up with special someone and his friends, and SS asked if he could put his stuff in my bag. "Of course you can," I replied. He gave me two things, and as I put two of the bags into my backpack, he mentioned that one of the bag was for myself.
"What? For me??"
"Just think of it as an early birthday present"
"My birthday present??! My birthday is still far away"
His friends told me to open the bag, and even SS said that I can open it if I wanted to.
"No!!! I'm gonna open it on my birthday. But why did you buy my present already?"
His friends told me to just open the bag, and SS commented,
"You can use it at my friend's wedding"
What did he give me that I can use to go to his friend's wedding? It can't be a dress because it was a small box... and I was very curious what was inside the small box. After SS and his friends convinced me to open the box, I was shocked. He gave me a branded bracelet. Of course it's not the first time he bought me branded products or items, but this branded item was just so beautiful. It must have been expensive. It was a swarovski stars bracelet. SS said he wanted to find a moon and a star bracelet, but they didn't have it, and this one was the prettiest out of all the ones he saw. Of course this bracelet was so pretty. I loved it!!! He kept saying how if I don't like it I can return it to the store with the gift receipt and I yelled at him, "I LOVE IT!!!". One of his friends laughed, and commented, "Hey she said 'it', not 'you'". >< Of course I would say I love you to him but I wouldn't want to in front of his friends. Hmph.

Inside the small bag, there was a card inside, and he told me to read it some other time. SS said he wanted to give me the present privately but his friends wanted to see my reaction. One of his friend then told me that she wanted to buy a birthday present for her sister-in-law so she went to the swarovski store, and she heard from SS that "what should I get for Bubbles?" SS then added, he saw stars bracelets and he thought of me and wanted to buy it for me. I was soooo happy. Not because of the present he bought for me, but the thoughts and the acts that he committed. He's not a romantic person and he wouldn't do these kinds of things. And when he did this for me, I was really happy. It means a lot to me. It really means a lot to me and I was sooo happy that I could not stop myself having a creppy big ass smile on my face, and his friends were just laughing at my face. But they liked my reaction because they both "aweee" at me.

I need to stop over thinking little things. I need to trust him more, (but I do), and more, (but-) but MORE!!

The little things he does, means big things to me. It's rare for him to do things like that. This is probably the second time that he has given me a present on a random (non-eventful) occasion. The first time was when he bought a necklace for me online but it was sent to his old address, and he tried to retrieve back to his old house three days in a row, but no one was there at all. And so he bought me another necklace, which I felt so bad for him. He didn't have to buy me a necklace and another one again. I just felt happy that he just thought of that and did that because of me, and I told him that he didn't have to go back to his old house again, or buy me another one. But he did. I still have the pendant but not the chain, because my hair would get caught in the chain and it would hurt. So I changed to a different chain but it was rusted. TT^TT So currently I am not using that necklace anymore unless I get a new better chain. However, currently I am using my moon and star necklace that I bought from Japan. I kept help myself from liking Moon and stars.

But anyway, I was happy today. My SS did something so special for me. ^^ And he was being clingy to me today as well. I was surprised because we wouldn't try to act lovely dovey in front of his friends, especially out in the public. But he was being very romantic today. ^^ I guess he wanted my affection. Felt very, very, happy today.

I LOVE YOU MY LOVE!

121. Insecure

I don't know what's wrong wifh me lately. I've started to become insecure ahout myself and my relationship. Earlier this year, I asked my special someone if he could be more initiative when contacting me because I hated when I always have to make the first move to contact him. Ever since I came back from Japan, he hasn't been initiative at all. I always have to contact him, and there are days where we just don't contact with each other... I know he's tired from working and that's probably why he hasn't been contacting me but still... I personally don't like making the initiative to contact him first all the time and every time...

He hasn't been saying I love you that much lately as well...

When I snapchatted him that I miss him, he didn't respond at all instead change to a different topic...

I know he's not romantic and a very reserved person but I want to be reminded that he loves me from time to time... I mean, I missed him so much while I was away in Japan for 18days...

I always think too much,

I worry that I'm annoying, and too clingy... I don't want to be that, so I've been trying to control it...  I wonder if he feels more chillaxed this way.

WHY AM I SO CLINGY?!!! I need to tone it down but I don't want us to be distant...

120. Things that distracts my studies

I haven't been watching animes recently... TT^TT It's so sad because I have to catch up and update all the episodes that I need to watch. But it will distract me with my motivation for uni. So sad... TT^TT

I also redownloaded facebook app onto my phone. It's really distracting me... But I want to keep in touch with my friends from all over the world and know how they're doing... Sighh... I think I'm gonna delete the app AGAIN!

I haven't been editing my japan trip videos too... because when I try to upload videos onto youtube, the internet screws up and affects my whole family. My mum told me to cancel my upload so that she can play her pokemongo... TT^TT I will get around to it once I'm free... (it will probably be a while...)


Sometimes, I don't know why I honestly try to put so much effort into studies... I don't even know about my own future. But for now, I shall try to get good grades so that it'll benefit me in the future.

119. Do my best!!!

I will try my best! Ever since I came back from Japan I was being overwhelmed with uni and had lots of catch up to do (since I missed out on the first week). I think I'm calm now, and once I'm at the right pace and settled, I will try my best in other things. Right now, I have to catch up with uni, and I WILL TRY MY BEST FOR THIS SEMESTER! Want to do my very best and get good grades.

I've got this! I have my motivation! WHOOO! You can do it Bubs!!

118. My goals and dreams

My Goals
- Getting my P license
- Getting good grades for this Spring semester
- Getting a part time job
- Travelling to Japan with my special someone (and hopefully to Korea and China as well)

My Dreams
- Moving out (whether myself or with my special someone)
- Raising my own dog and cat once I have my proper house
- Travelling around the world
- Getting a job
- Marrying with my special someone (and maybe have 3 kids ^^)

117. My Future dream job?

I am still lost and confused about my future. I don't know if I really want to be a primary school teacher. I don't even know if I want to become a teacher.

I don't know anything for sure.

When I was in Japan, I was talking with two of my friends, and I was being completely honest with them that I still don't know what to do with my future. I am just going with the flow and see where it leads me. They started to attack me with these questions asking me what I really want, and that I should seriously consider about my future while I'm still young because time passes really quickly.

I tried to explain to them, and they retaliated by asking me the 'WHAT IF' questions. Asking me what if my special someone wants to marry me very soon, if I would change to a different course right now, if I would go back to uni again to study a different course if I didn't like my teaching job when I'm old enough... Asking me so much more questions... I later got pissed at them because they weren't helping me at all. But I later stop being pissed at them because I shouldn't stay mad at them too long. And one of my friend apologised to me and I also apologised to her for being mad.

I am just saying that I really do admire people that has already set their own goals and ambitions for their future. Where I have nothing... I really do admire you people out there. Trying to strive for you dream jobs and goals and the hard work, and efforts you put in. You people are amazing... You people deserve whatever good things you want.

That's why I was so surprised when I got accepted into the summer program in Japan. Was it really alright for me to go to Japan? Wouldn't there be any other better candidates to take this instead?... I just... don't know... I had a dream, and one and only dream. Which was to travel to Japan no matter what. That was my only dream. I love studying the language and I love its culture. That was why I wanted to travel to Japan. And I was so happy that I was accepted. It really made me happy, happy that my dream came true.

Now that my dream is completed, now what?... What's next?


For me... I just wanted to go to university because that's what my parents expected of me. And I got in, and I chose primary education because I couldn't see myself taking any other courses which will lead me to those kinds of jobs. For example: business, nursing, international studies and more... I just couldn't see myself in those kinds of workplaces. I just couldn't and didn't want to.

I don't even know if I can become a teacher because whenever I give out presentation, I always panic, get nervous, stutter during my speech, shake my hands and legs. I always gave out presentations for my Japanese units in my first year, yes it has somewhat led me being confident but not that significantly. I still get nervous when I give out presentations.. And I don't know how I will be able to manage when I teach kids in school for my job. How can I become a teacher like this then?...

 Recently, I became acquainted to this classmate of mine and he was telling me of his goals. How he quickly wanted to graduate uni so that he can get a job, and his long distanced relationship girlfriend can move in with him. He explained that he took the summer course so that he can get ahead of uni, and has to prepare some documents to hand in to the education department before his third year. I have to hand in mine too but I haven't started to do any of those stuff because right now I have to catch up on uni since I missed out on the first week of uni (because I was in Japan).

I admire hardworking people that strives for their dreams. And I see myself and feel... so lost and confused. What am I doing with life? What are you doing right now Bubs?

I do know that I want to want to work, and become an independent woman, so that I can move out when I am financially stable. I do not want to live with my parents. They still think of me as a little kid, and they limit my freedom. I want to move out, and hopefully live with my special someone if I can. Right now, I do not even want to think about marriage, I am still to way young for that, and I only want to marry when both of my partner and I are both financially stable.

But that is the problem, what is my dream job? What do I want to become?... I am so lost and confused.

116. Clingy much?

It only has been a week and a half since I came back from Japan, and I noticed something... that I've become clingy to my special someone. I mean I am clingy in my nature, but I've always tried my best to control it. But when I came back, I've been wanting to see him more, and when I do have the chance, I just want to hold onto him. Just hold his hand, and hug him...

Today after class when I was catching the bus, I realised that I've became more clingy than before because I missed my special someone... And even today, my special someone mentioned it to me without me asking... I mean... I don't know anymore...

This week, I haven't contacted him on Tuesday and Thursday at all because I know that he's tired from work and he should rest up. And I try my best not to have Skype calls with him too often... I've been trying to control it but... it's not enough.

I don't want to be annoying to my special someone. I asked him how often do I annoy him, and he replied from time to time. WHAT?! I didn't realise that I annoy you... I wanted to make you happy and cheer you up because you're always tired from work. I tried not to contact you everyday but still... is it a lot to you?

I didn't know that I would annoy my special someone from time to time... We rarely fight and when we do argue, it's nothing serious. Just something he would tease me about for fun, and I would get grumpy at him (but I'm not mad at him at all, just how he teases me often).

I don't know... I know that not everyone is perfect and not every relationships are perfect but still... I don't want to start something that would lead something bad... I don't want to be the cause... Does that make sense?

Maybe I should reduce my physical and social interaction/affection with him. Limit how much I contact him and stop being too physically clingy.

Maybe I am thinking too much because I always do.

But when I tried to ask my special someone more deeper of this 'clingyness' topic, he said to be myself because he doesn't want me to change. He doesn't want me to change drastically and he likes  the way I am now. But you said that I annoy you from TIME TO TIME! Tell me how I am like this, and I will fix this so that I won't do it again next time. But even he said that he doesn't know...

???

I want to know... how I am annoying... because I don't want to be annoying especially to the people that are dear to me...

I've always try to be careful with the actions that I make with the people around me. Unless I'm weird around people (meaning that I find them comfortable to be with so I can be weird and crazy around them). Unless I act weird and crazy to my special someone, and he finds it annoying... But but but if I'm weird and crazy, it means I'm comfortable around you and I like you...

I'm probably thinking too much...

115. My Japan trip ^^

WOW it has been that long since I've blogged. Sorry if I didn't blogged in a while because I was in Japan. I couldn't sign in into my account because apparently, they were suspicious of the person who was using my account in Japan, BUT IT WAS ME!!! I'M USING IT IN JAPAN, and it was really troublesome to try to log in and I gave up. Didn't have free wifi in the first place, and don't wanna give google my mobile number when I'm in overseas (especially when I'm using a prepaid sim card).

Soooooo hello bubbly people out there. Whooo! I can blog now. Yayyyy. I just arrived in Australia yesterday and I am so tired. And on friday, I have uni and I am so not mentally prepared... TT^TT

So earlier this year, I was looking through my univeristy website about exchange programs in different countries, but I was mostly interested into going to Japan. Because that was my number one bucket list. But I ACHIEVED IT! Yaaayyy. Anyways, I went to this overseas exchange program session after my class, and the guy who was giving a presentation asked each one of us of where we want to go. I told him that I wanted to go to Japan. During his presentation, where he was explaining about the short abroad courses, he let us know that in Japan that they were having a special opportunity for female students to participate in their summer program. It was free accomodation and they give you ¥60000 scholarship for the flight fare, but you have to pay the differences yourself. This program offers to teach students about the Japanese culture and experince through it.

On that day, the first thing I did when I head straight back home was applying for the summer program. I didn't think I would make it in (even though I had met the brief and all of the requirements), and they would select better candidates. I had to answer three short questions and provide my details. And DONE! I had to wait over a month for the results to come out, and I really, really, really did hope that I'll get in. But of course, I didn't believe in myself and thought the uni would choose a more suitable candidates. On the day of the result, the coordinator (the guy who gave presentation during the overseas exchange program session) emailed all of the female students who applied that there was significant number of people who applied and the quality of the expression of interest was very high standard. As I was reading the email, I did not believe that I would get in...

Until I got an email around 5pm, from the coordinator who congratulated me for being accepted as one of the two candidates. I was soooo happy! I jumped around and shouted to my mum who was downstairs in the living room, saying that I got in! She was surprised and hugged me so tight, and congratulated me. I was sooo happy and tears formed in my eyes. I called my special someone ans told him that I got in and he was surprised as well. But said, "I knew it". >< I was speechless but filled with endless joy in my heart. I felt that I was the luckiest girl. ^^

After that, I had to apply to my host university and provide them different documents. It took a while. The program starts at early July and when I applied my expression of interest in my university, it was around March. Then I got my results in April and the application deadline to my host univeristy was due mid-May. I waited paitently for this program ans I was sooo excited and nervous and still couldn't believe that my dream was coming true. I had received information that 12 female students from different countries will participate for this summer program.

I finished my exam on 7th of June, and during the free time I had till the Japan trip, I was focusing on watching animes, youtubes, hanging out with my friends, and bonding with my loved ones. On 2nd of July, I set out on a journey to my dream destination. And the moment the plane landed in Japan, I still couldn't believe that I was here. After 17 days in living in Japan, the last night that I was gonna sleep in my dorm room, I still couldn't believe that I went to these amazing places and ate such good foods, and most of all, met so much friends from all over the world. I was the last person to leave the dorm, my friends already left to catch their planes. I cried when each one of them left. I was heartbroken because I never gonna know the next time we'll all see each other again, in the same time, with the same group, in the same country, in the same place. I'm gonna miss them all.

This Japan trip was sooo worth it. I told my friend that this trip was 8/10 for me. But when I look back, it wasn't that bad. For my final answer, I give it 9/10.

Japan feels like a second home to me. I want to go back again! Next time for sure, I'll definitely visit again. ^^

114. Strange dream of mine

So I had a very strange dream. It was the day that the Australian citizens was going to vote for their own preferred party. After you finish voting, you slide the voting paper through the hole into this long rectangular cardboard box. Well, this box was actually a transparent glass box. But not just that. If you wanted to vote for Labor then you have to put it in the 'Labor box', and if you voted for Liberal, then you have to place it in the 'Liberal box'. These boxes were CLEAR AS DAY!! I was seeing everyone sliding the papers into these boxes, and the papers were piling up slowly. I have to say... Liberal was on a lead...

Why did I even dreamt about this when I don't even care abiut these political events?... Very strange dreams indeed.

113.

I am about to do something that I have never imagine doing ever in my life. I never thought about it before and didn't care. But who would have thought that it turnt out something so important to me. You never know the path you're heading towards to. You never know what's gonna happen in 10years time, or 2years or even 2 months. It still surprises me. Like how, and why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Is it really ok for me to accept this?...

112. Want to be happy FOR REAL

I really want to stay positive and optimistic. I know my flaws and I know them very well. It's really hard to change or remove bad habits, but at least it's worth a try. I want to stop overthinking negatively so much in my life. Because of this I always feel depressed and stressed. 

No matter what obstacles hits me, I'll try to endure it. I'll try not to let it affect me so much. I will try. I want to be happy. I really want to be happy. So I need to change. It won't be easy, but hey, let's take it slow and easy. It's all about the baby steps. 

Even though your mum screams, or yell, or say some cruel things about you, try to endure it. If you fight back, you'll make it worse. You'll agitate your mum more. And you don't want that because either way, she won't listen to you and spits more at your face. Listen to her, and speak nicely. Or else, just listen to her and say nothing. When she wants you to speak, speak nicely. You need to change Bubbles... 

Change for the better...

111. Can't handle this shit...

Why does she always pick a fight with me? ESPECIALLY WITH LITTLE THINGS?! I DON'T GET HER PROBLEM. WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS PUT HER ANGER OUT ON ME?! WHY FRICKEN ME ALL THE TIME? WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? BECAUSE IM THE YOUNGEST OF THE FAMILY? BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE?

Fricken hell... We have been going good lately, and I even said that I wanna take her out to the city. But not anymore. I hate when these things happen. You just completely ruin the mood.

JUST SERIOUSLY WHAT HAVE I DONE THIS TIME?! IT'S JUST A LITTLE THING, NOT EVEN A PROBLEM. FUCKEN HELL....

110. FOODS

When you love foods, and your brain tells you to stop overeating... TT^TT I love foods, and I can't help myself. TT^TT It sucks when you were going so well with your diet, but you didn't keep it all the way... TT^TT I will never be able to reach my summer body

109. Clingy much?

The first few months were easy, and alright. But later down the track, as we grew more initmiate with each other, I started to be clingy, and I want to see him more often now. We go on skype everyday, and noooooo. I've become really clingy and I didn't want to be clingy in the first place. I can't handle it when I don't see him for too long... Long distance relationship will be very hard for me. 

I didn't want to become like this... 

108. Full moon beach night

Back when I was in high school, the number one activity that I wanted to do with my future bf was to stare at the moon and stars at the beach with him. I am happy that I finally achieved that goal of mine. The beach is where I can relax and just really become one with the nature and the ocean. I love water, and I just love spending time with my loved ones at the beach.

It was around 8 where we were driving to the beach and on the way, I saw the moon in the sky. It was so pretty and I was glad that it was a full moon. When we got there, it was pretty dark but our eyes were adjusted to the darkness and because the moon was above us, the moonlight was shining around the area we were in. The tide was quite high, but it didn't bother us. The ocean was was very calm and there wasn't any strong waves. Even though it was pretty dark, I could tell that the ocean was very clear, since I was able to see my feet through the water.

I am happy. I was happy today. And I am happy.

107. When you were lucky but not so lucky

When you had a bad start for the day, but in the end, everything worked. You only had $1.90 and asked the bus driver how much it cost to travel to your uni. Exactly $1.90. Aren't you lucky? Plus, you made it on time for your test, and get to practice your group presentation with your partner for the next day. You asked your friend if you could borrow $2 for the bus on the way back, and she had exactly $2.

Everything was going so well, until you came home and haven't found your opal card. You realised you lost it yesterday. You lost your opal card that had your student ID card with it. Great. Aren't you just lucky?~...

You called the station that you went yesterday to see if they had any lost opal card and they said they'll check, and they hang up on you... WTF DOES THIS MEAN?!!!! WHY WOULD YOU HANG UP ON ME???? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY DETAILS??? WOULD YOU CALL ME BACK IF YOU FOUND A LOST OPAL CARD? BUT WHAT IF IT'S NOT MINE??? WHAT THE HELL???

106. Why?...

Why is it on days when I have tests for japanese I'm always late on those days!??? WHY IS IT ALWAYS WITH JAP?! WHY???! Not just this year but last year too. What do you have against me in taking ny jap test, life?? Huh???!!! Sighh....

Why is it today that I didn't have my opal card with me?... The bus driver is gonna scream at me...

105. Feeling like crap

I haven't been able to concentrate, focus during class or at home. I always study and do my homework but I cbb to do it last week, so I completely slacked off last week. I felt tired all the time even though I wasn't doing anything much. I've been gaining a lot of weight and usually I would always know my limit and watch out for myself but I felt hopeless and just wanted to eat my soul out.  I just ate everything until I was full. AND EVERY FRICKIN DAMN NIGHT I CAN NEVER GET A PROPER SLEEP. I always sleep so late and have these bad thoughts haunting me. Reminding me of who I am as a person... as a terrible person.

I haven't mentioned this to anyone before, not even to SS. But, everyday I would always feel this quick and slight pain in my heart where it randomly appears and gives me a quick sting. It happens evrryday and once. After the sting, I would grab onto my chest and think what just happened there and why is it happening everyday. But I doubt it's anything. So I didn't tell anyone.

Because I have been feeling this terrible for more than 2weeks, my mum gave me this pill of hers. It's this medicine called Lexotan where it used for people who have anxiety, tension and agitation. It reduces the normal stresses that you experience in your daily life.

I feel that 2016 is not my year. I feel a lot worse than lasf year.

104. Broken

I've been crying for 5 days straight everynight until yesterday I was able to stop crying. But the tears came back. I haven't been able to sleep properly and now I'm not in the mood to go to uni anymore. I can barely concentrate and just want to go home early, not that I love being at home though.

I can't sleep properly anymore and why do I even bother for uni... I just wanna quit everything. I put a fake smile around my friends and family. And later I cry everynight.

Always thinking of bad things, bad thoughts, and just have a bad reflection of myself.

I just want to be happy. But I can't be happy when my parents are in the way. I want them to be happy for me and we all can be happy. Why? Why are they against me so much? Why are they so over protective? Against who? Why can't they just believe in me. Why are they making it harder for me?

Why can't they just leave me alone?...

I feel happy to be with my friends and loved ones. But my family?... I don't know anymore because I don't feel loved by them...

103. Caged up

I feel so caged up. I have lost my freedom...

I told SS that I'll be happy trrw last night, but I was depressed the whole day. I couldn't be my normal self. I wasn't happy with anything. I felt I wanted to go home early during my class break, but I didn't because I'm scared I'll cause more trouble...

I was depressed the whole day, on the way I went home and finally when I went to my room, I just cried. Cried because I was depressed, had to let it out. I feel so empty and alone. 

I've been crying for four days straight and I've never felt anymore depressed...

Hate myself...

102.

My bad habit came out... If SS found out, he wouldn't like me anymore. No, no one will like me anymore.

101. Thoughts about breaking up

Would everything be better if we just broke up? Would it be all better then?

Should i just be an obedient dog for a while?

100. Hate

I hate everything... hate everything in life. Hate myself. There is nothing I can do that will make anything better. Time wont heal wounds or past. I won't be able to escape this pain, this sin.

99. SS meeting my parents

Yesterday, my mum and I were shopping around in the city. And later for lunch, SS will be joining us and will meet my mum. SS and my mum saw each other before but they just greeted each other. Yesterday was a very important day for me. My parents is not fond of my S.O and for a long time whenever I have a fight with my parents, it would be about my relationship with SS.

I really wanted my parents to meet SS so that they could know what kind of person SS is like, and really hope my parents might change their views on him, even if its a tiny bit. SS is a really great guy and I want my parents to know that.

My mum wanted to eat steak so we went to a restaurant where they had steak. We sat together and we all started to converse with each other. I was explaining to SS of what I did today with my mum earlier, and the conversation went from there. Soon afterward, my mum started on a different topic and asked SS, "What do you like about Bubbles?" SS replied, "Everything." My mum then explained her thoughts of me coming home late and how she doesn't like that. She also mentioned about my dad, and she apologised that my dad is not open about our relationship and hope that SS would understand and would give some time for my dad to open up. SS responded that he understands and he doesn't mind about it.

The three of us talked for a while and chilled at the restaurant. My mum were planning to meet up dad after lunch when he finishes work. SS asked my mum if he could greet my dad and my mum said that it was alright. We then went to in front of QVB building and I saw my dad heading towards us. My mum first went up to him, then my dad came over to us (me and SS). Both of them shook hands, and my dad asked what was this (he was pointing at the bag). SS said that it was a gift for my mum and Dad said, "Thank you so much". I hugged my dad later, and soon after we said our farewells, and my parents were heading home, while I stayed to hang out with SS.

We were walking, and I asked him if he was nervous. He said a little. I asked him with my mum or dad or both? He said my dad. But I'm glad that both my parents were able to meet him. Especially my dad. I hope that my parents and SS could get along well. I just want them to know that I'm with a good guy. If I'm gonna date SS for a long time, I want my parents to be happy about it. If they're not fond of my relationship with SS, then of course I'll be depressed about it and don't want it to affect my relationship with SS. I really did felt guilty about yesterday though. I felt that I was giving pressure or burden to SS in some way about him meeting my parents but he did say that he wanted to meet my parents. He did told me that he was happy yesterday and I'm glad that everything went well.

For a long relationship with SS, I hope that my parents will be on good terms with SS.

98. Doubts

I do have low self esteem and confidence which is not a very good thing. When I try to achieve my goals, I never reach those expectations of mine... so I stopped expecting myself so much, which then I expected myself so low. So low, that I think I'll never be able to achieve my goals... So in the end, I wouldn't be too upset because that is what I expected... I expected it low...

I just didn't want to feel guilty or too depressed which is why I changed my way of thinking and its been affecting who I am everyday... I am always insecure, and I don't believe in myself... I am confused of what to do.

But recently, I did something because I wanted to do it. But I just have doubts and don't believe in myself. I don't think I'll be able to make it. Even though I really wish for it, and I have all the right requirements, I still don't think I can make it. There might be even more better people who'll get it. We'll just have to wait and see for a while...

I wish I can be more confident... Where did my confidence go?...

97. 2016 so far

The start of this year definitely wasn't the best. Ugh... January... Things didn't turn out well with family at first. Was really dissatisfied with part time job, and was just uncomfortable working in that environment. But was really happy and free when I get to quit working there.

But February was even better because I had time away from home, and get to travel overseas with my friends and BY ON A CRUISE! It was my first time experience and it was definitely worth it. I've always wanted to those beautiful clear water, the crystal light blue waves. Get to swim with the fishes. The cruise itself was great. Except there was no wifi and I ended up VERY tanned... TT^TT Came back from the cruise and enjoyed my last week of freedom before uni started.

March was definitely my 'proactive' month. When it comes to learning, memorising, getting things DONE, being practical, being organised, cramming and being EXHAUSTED and SLEEPY! With uni, it's that period where you get busy, busy to meet with your loved ones. I miss ss and my friends. But I did get to meet up with my friends, and we went bowling together. Recently, I also went fishing for the first time. I get to spend some quality time with my family. ^^

Now it's April, and after this friday, I'LL BE FREE! LITERALLY! After I hand in this stupid report on friday, I'm free. Get a one week free break and I cannot wait to party. I am so excited. Catching up with animes, friends and SS. One week break is not enough but it'll do. I would finally like to get some rest..... TT^TT sigh..... It's not a joke with uni. Not a joke at all. After one week break, I have to go through another 7 busy weeks....

I feel that time is going slow yet fast.

96. Things I decided

This year, I decided to let things go, never lie to my parents, to be more honest, to quietly attend uni, ignore bad things, to at least try my best with studies, to lose weight, to spend more time with your loved ones, to at least try to get red p license, to watch more and update with animes.

95. Do I have a dream?

Yes I do. My number one dream is to travel to Japan. That is my number one goal in life. I never had a bucket list until early last year.

I really, really, really hope I get to go to Japan. I really hope..... please......

That is my only dream. Once I go to Japan, my happiness will be achieved.

94. Let things go

I stopped making new years resolution because I never achieve them and thought what was the point. But I did made few decisions this year. I decided to let things go. Things that are not important to me, or more like, I'm not important to them. But I do hold on and wait for some things, but other things I definitely know they aren't worth waiting for. I hope to whoever reads this don't misunderstand this.

It's just that before in my first year of uni, I was so scared that I'll be alone for the rest of my uni life and that I won't be able to make any friends. But I did. But you know, even though you are close acquainted with them, they're still your uni friends. You guys would only talk about assignments, uni, studies, and if you guys have common interests then you'll talk about that too. But that's just it. They won't be your close friend unless you guys are in the same classes, units, are in the same course and campus. But that's just it.

I remember in my first year of uni, I wanted to be more sociable and talk to new people, and make new friends. But I gave up this year. Because I know that we will just be acquaintance and nothing more. And do you know how awkward it is when you know someone and you see them... Before you guys walk pass by each other, and you think to yourself, "I should greet them otherwise they'll think I'm rude". Then we come up to each other and hug each other, and say "Hey how've you been?" We're just asking out of courtesy not curiosity.

That's why I let things go. Because they are worth doing, just wasting time. This post seems rude of me. But really, they don't care about you too. I decided to quietly progress with my uni life. But if there are people that are interested in becoming your friend then why not? Become friends with them and talk to them. But I just decided to keep and wait for what's important to me. Just keep people that are important to you, and they feel you are important to them. That's what matters. Just let things go if they aren't worth it.

That even includes family members. I've stopped talking to my brother ever since last mid-year. He does not give one damn care about me and doesn't even initiate to have a proper conversation with me. When I came back on a cruise, my mum asked him if he missed me. Before he answered, I said "Of course not, it doesn't make a difference whether I'm here or not." Then my mum asked him if that was true. He gave that look that I was right and my mum was surprised. Of course I knew. I know our relationship. We not close and we just stopped talking to each other. My dad said that we're a family so we should stay close but trust me. I tried with my brother throughout high school. High school was when he became distant with me. I gave up last year. But I tried and tried. But it's futile. So I let it go.

If people don't think I'm important to them, when they are to me... Then I don't need them in my life. Why should I care for them when I tried and tried? Only those who feel that I'm important to me, and they are important to me are worth keeping for a lifetime. This also applies with other people who I tried and tried with but no. They don't give a damn, so I stopped giving a damn. If you think I change,  please. I just let you go in my life. Why should I hold onto something that are just making myself feel bad, and look bad? Why should I cling onto something that are just not true? but a fake.

But there are things that are worth waiting for. So I am a very patient person. And I will wait and wait. There things that are worth waiting and keeping for.

93. Stupid Report

Recently, I have been stressing about this stupid uni report. I hate it sooooo much. It's been driving me nuts!!!! Sighhhh. I have been stressing about it and sighhhhhhhh..... I swear to god after I hand this report in, I am literally free. Literally! Sighhhh

92. Our second bad tension...

Today, I was asking my friends to help me edit my short responses and I informed SS that I wanted him to help me edit. He told me how he can look through it but not sure about editing. Then afterwards, he started to become critical and judgemental. He asked me to say few lines from each of the 3 questions. Then I only told him what I wrote for the first sentences each of the 3 questions. He commented how I should say 'this' and talk about 'that'. But I claimed that I already wrote a paragraph for these 3 questions, and that I only said the first sentences for each of these 3 paragraphs. Then he mentions how, "I would talk about these if I were to write it".

As I was continuing editing my work, he asked me to read out each of these short responses and I said no. I didn't want to. He asked me for a reason but I didn't reply. He asked if was too judgemental and critical. I didn't answer. He asked for other reasons but I responded 'no' to each of them. After I competed and finalised my short responses, he wanted me to read them for him. I still resisted and he wanted to know the reasons why. I didn't want him to know that he was being too judgemental and critical. So I didn't say anything. He asked me to give him one proper reason and he would stop asking. But I still stubbornly said no because I didn't want him to know. I mentioned that it's better to not know the hurtful truth. But he responded that he rather know and get hurt, than not knowing and get hurt. But I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to know.

Because last time, he said he would stop being judgemental and critical (about my study) if I practice by using another better method, such as recording my voice when practising for speaking in chinese.

I didn't want him to tell him the reason... so he wouldn't say any of that...

But later he revealed that he's gonna sleep off the pain and gonna hang up the call...... I didn't know what to do. I don't want him to know the truth because I know that I'm gonna hurt both of us, but if I don't tell him he's gonna hang up the call on me...

He eventually did hang up the call on me after we both said goodnight to each other. It's not necessarily called argument or a fight. But this bad tension between. So far this has happened twice and this is our second time. I don't know which one was worse... The first and second times are both bad...... He hanged up on me because he's mad at me..... He's gonna be mad at me, and he's hurt.... He won't sleep peacefully because of me......

I don't know..... what to do anymore.... I didn't want to call him back.... Because I don't think this is wholly my fault. And I don't know how to approach him anymore... He's not happy with me.... Would he still be the same if I initiate to contact him first?.... If I apologise first would he feel better? But I do not want to apologise... Because I don't believe that I am at complete blame.... But if we don't contact each other then we'll drift apart... for a stupid thing that's not serious.... I am sad now... I feel like crying..... I'm sad....

91. Wishing for a holiday

I had about about 3months holiday break and now have uni... I wish it was holiday again, where I'm free to do anything and nothing at the same. The period where I was working for my part time job, I just wished that it was uni already because I was bored, and didn't have anything better to do. But of course finish as much anime as I can. 

But man... Last semester I was really motivated to study, manage my time wisely, and GET. THINGS. DONE!!! But now for this semester, I really don't have any motivation at all. I don't dedicate myself to get things done anymore. Because now I have another interest. Around last week, I found this new game and wanted to give it a try. Until I got TOO INTO IT. And it's really bad because my special someone has started to play that game as well, and has caught up to me. =_____= I've been focusing on that game for awhile and playing it with SS. I have to use all my staminas before I do anything else (like study) because I didn't want it to go to a waste... That's how bad it is... I've been playing that game so much that I would sleep sooo late in the morning. That's how addicting this game is for me. And lately, I wouldn't study and just play that game. I really need to get a grip and just arghhhhhh maaa gawd! I cannot stop playing this game. I now know why there are heavy gamers out there... 

The game that I'm playing changes it names all the time because of copyright issues. It use to be called Pocket Master to Pika Q to Super Evolution to Elves Union to Fantasy Monster to Mega Monster. I wish that they would finally settle some things because I'm trying to get use to the name but it changes frequently...

Anyway, my point for this post is that I wish it was holiday again. I WANT MY FREEDOM!

90.

Don't feel happy with life anymore. Why do I strive for happiness when I know it's so hard to be happy all the time?... I am being so selfish. I know in life you gotta through hardships and pain so that you can get use to the realities of life and trying to prepare yourself in becoming a strong person. But I don't wanna go through all that. Why make our life so much harder? Trying to become this successful person... I feel that in your youth you should spend time in doing whatever the hell you want that makes you happy. Because once you're an adult you don't get those free times anymore. And then you'll regret it and become this stressful, cranky person that doesn't care about the fun, outside world.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. What I'm sad about doesn't even relate to this... I'm sad because I know that I'm not truly happy. And I can't even be honest about it with myself. I don't know why I'm sad all the time. Why???! Why do I pretend to be happy all the time???! Sighh...

I wish this year would be a happier year for everyone. I mentioned this earlier before but I swear to god, I don't think it has been that great so far. So far the start of the year of me was shit. Had a huge fight with my parents. Came back from the cruise trip and had a fight with mum. I don't know what to do anymore. And my habit of overthinking is still there. Overthinking about these thoughts that relates to my special someone when they shouldn't be an issue... Then started thinking about all these insecurities about myself which really reduces my confidence and I have this low self-esteem.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even tell these things to anyone. Haven't told SS because I don't want him to think I'm crazy, or i'm overthinking too much, or i'm just very emotional... Honesty is the important key to the relationship. I should tell these things to him but sometimes I'm just scared and I burry these thoughts to somewhere far away in my head and try to forget about them but I know that they're still lingering somewhere... These thoughts would eventually become larger in size and explode someday... Or maybe not. I will forget them eventually as time pass. Another reason why I don't tell him is because I can't even be honest with myself. And I can't figure myself out and I don't wanna tell anyone about these things because I don't even know where to start myself.

I am having a problem of figuring out myself straight. I can't ignore these things because I know they'll eventually consume my mind and I can't pretend myself to be happy anymore. I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about...

What is wrong with me?...

89. Hate fighting

My mum was giving me a lecture today. She hasn't lectured me for a long time and I must say she did a good job for holding it in for so long. While she was lecturing me, I did not say a single word because I know that whatever I say will not turn out well. She's gonna talk back with me and she's gonna have this deep conversation with me. I seriously don't want to have a fight with her. I am sick and too old for fighting. I swear to god I am tired of this. After she finished her complaints and realising that I haven't even uttered a single word, she asked me, "What's your thoughts? Just tell me. I'll listen to whatever you have to say." I swear to god. No matter what I say, she's still gonna get angry with me. If I tell her truth she's gonna get angry, if I lie to her she's gonna be SUPER MAD. So I rather not say anything at all. She at least wanted me to say something and she wouldn't let me go until I answer her.

I told her, "I can't answer to you. Not because I don't want to but I haven't decided yet."
"So you can guarantee it? You can't keep your promise?" (First of all I did not promise her with anything!!!)

I wanted to tell her pleaae leave me alone and let me be and just let me have my freedom. But of course, she'll get mad. And then we're gonna fight and have 'The TALK".

But I can't just lie to her because I FEEL GUITLY FOR LYING TO MY PARENTS ALL THE TIME, and it would just make our relationship worse. Do I want that? Of course not. I am jealous of my friends and other people that I know has a good and close relationship with their mums. No matter what I do, we'll always fight. I swear to god.

But I'm not gonna obey her stupid commands because it is not fair that I have all these restrictions and my brother can get to do whatever he wants. And what's stupid is that they won't let me do whatever I want ever since I started to have a boyfriend.

Sigh... I hate myself sometimes.

88. Come on...

Seriously it's only  the second day of uni and why I am so overwhelmed already?!! There are so much things I need to do... So much... I feel pressured already...

87. Reality begins...

Ugh, still on holiday mode and started uni yesterday. Not looking forward to it really... My freedom is goooooneeee TT^TT

86. Lazy

Although this is my blog and I am free to express whatever I want in here, I am just lost. I don't know what to say in here or how much I should say in here. Which is why I haven't been plubishing much posts this year. Sometimes I worry that I overthink too much and if I talk about it here, it'll seem that I'm complaning too much or I'm just THINKING TOO MUCH. Which is one of the reasons why I kinda neglected my blog. I do want to talk about happy and fun things here but lately this year, I couldn't be bothered to type it up.

I've gotten really lazy, super lazy during the whole summer break. Just watching anime and that's it. Which is not good. I should at least revise for Japanese but I didn't touch Japanese at all. And I've been worried about it since I forgot a lot of contents, vocabs, sentence patterns and ESPECIALLY KANJI THE MOST!!! I'm worried because this year I'm taking Japanese level 3, which is pretty much advanced Japanese. I am worried a lot because I'm also taking Chinese. The tutorial is 3hrs long. Sighh. I am worried about uni. I am worried. But there's not much I can do...

But that besides the point, I am super lazy and couldn't be bothered to type my blog. But I'll get back to it once in a while. ^^

85. I Miss You

Oh no... I miss him so much now... I don't know what to do anymore. How will I be able to manage myself? I'm gonna miss him. I'm going to think about him a lot. I don't want to show that I miss him in front of my friends... I don't want to look depressed in front of my friends just because I miss him... But that's how I feel right now. I miss him and not to be able to see him for a while hurts my heart... 

I miss you a lot my love. 

84. My love

Lately, I've been trying to see my special someone a lot more often. I wanted to see him as much as I can before I go on a vacation. I will deeply miss him. I know that the vacation won't be that long but still... I will miss him a lot...

Whenever I have the chance to see him, I will always see him. After he finishes work, I will always try to see him. We would either have dinner together after or just catch the train on the way home.

He knows that I will miss him a lot. And I know that he wants to see me as much as he can. But this seems like I'm being too clingy or being reliant on him... or maybe even I seem annoying to him... I've been worried that he might get bored of me or annoyed at me for seeing me too much... And I did tell him that but he said that why would he. I'm glad that he doesn't think that way. I really am glad but I do worry that it might happen...

I know he teases me often but it's alright. I know that he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings or he doesn't mean it seriously. But I am very gullible, dense and naive. There were few times where he joked about breaking up with me few times and that who knows, he might get bored of me and dump me... I know he didn't mean it because of his tone and that he was just joking... But... I didn't think that he would easily joke something like that...

This is why I worry a lot that I might be clingy, annoying or boring... And I don't want that to happen. But what can I do? I am a huggy person. I want to hold onto my special person as much as I can. I want to be affectionate to him and be a bit romantic I guess. And I try not to be annoying. I want my special someone to be happy so I always try my best to cheer up for that person. I am a weird person so I may do silly stuff but I try not to be annoying. And finally, I do not have a hobby which I do feel that this makes me a boring person in a way. I'm more of a listener, and  the type of person to join and learn individuals' interests. So if you have a specific hobby, I will try to engage in with your hobby and learn more about it. My special someone watches animes, japanese youtubers' videos, plays games and I try to engage with his hobbies. My brother loves marvel and DC comics and would regualrly notify me the upcoming movies, and show me trailers. Even though I'm not interested in Marvel and DC, I still watch it because my brother was excited to tell me all his interests. My uni friend would tell me her favourite tv dramas and we talk about those dramas. My friend Erica also would talk to me about her favourite show called Friends, and how she bought the posters and went to Friends cafe in Sydney. I'm the type of person to join the flow, and go with the flow. This is why when I talk to people, I don't really say much of my hobby because I don't have one. This makes me a boring person. I do have a passion in learning languages, and for animals but that's about it.

Why is why I worry all the time whenever I meet my someone special because I'm not interesting and do nothing special in particular, and that I only engage with his activities, and he doesn't with mine (because I don't have one).. Although, we took japanese classes together and are immensely interested in japanese culture, we don't communicate with each other in japanese. Because he is fluent at it, and I'm not great at it and still learning it. But I still try my best to talk to him in japanese... But I fail...

Today, I met up with him to have dinner in the city. As we finished, we caught the train together but I didn't wanted to get off at my stop. I wanted to stay him with a bit more longer till his stop. I didn't care if it took longer for me to get home or I had to go back the same line just to get home. I honestly don't care because I just want to use every chance and time that I can get just to spend more with him... But he told me that he'll see me tomorrow anyways which he was suggesting for me to get off at my stop. I care more about the present than the future. You should spend valuable time right now with your special person. And that kinda made me sad... Because of the efforts I've put in just to see him, and that I couldn't spend more time with him... But I shouldn't think like that. Because I know that he loves me and that he is a very understanding person. He knows how much I miss him. And that he does think of me and care for me... If he didn't care about me or wasn't interested, he would have ignored me completely or would have said something about it to me.

I have grown ever since the start of our relationship. I use to overthink A LOT and missed him a lot when he didn't text me for few days. And I would get sad over little things and wouldn't tell him about it... But I told myself that I should stop doing that because I didn't wanted to affect us and it's not a healthy relationship. I learnt myself that for a healthy relationship to last longer, both partners should build trust within each other, always be honest and truthful, unconditionally love each other, and never bring up the negative aspects of your partner, or your partner's worst past when they are trying to improve themselves for their future. I love my special someone and I do hope that we would last longer. He means so much for me.

83. Random thoughts

I wish 2016 would be better a year for everyone. I must say that I was a lot more happier in 2015 than 2014. But there were quite few events that didn't go well in 2015.

But I learnt many things from 2015. I learnt that I should be more paitent, try new things, explore, adventure, be more selfish, be more considerate, try not to overthink too much, try harder, and let things go. 

I wish that everyone will be happier this year. 

82. I'm not a nice person

People say that I am a nice person. But I'm not. I do think I'm a terrible person. I lie to my parents all the time, don't have a good relationship with my mum and brother, don't spend time often with my family...

I'm not a good daughter. And I do know that. But do I do anything about it? I try to but it's never good enough. That's when I give up trying because it's pointless anyway.

I'm not a good daughter. I know that. That's why I'm not a nice person but a terrible person.