I love you my love. I really do love you. I think of you all the time. I think there's something wrong with me. Because I overthink too much, too much negative things that I can't sleep at night. It gets worse each night when we don't contact each other and then I start to miss you a lot... I try to be patient, I try to control my emotions because I don't wanna make a big deal out of it. But it's hard. Is it just me?? If it is, then there's something wrong with me. I love you so much and what I have right now is perfect. What more do I want? What more do I want from you? Am I not happy enough? I am though. Though why do I not feel happy?...
You said I should sleep early, but this time I said no. Before, I agreed with you and would sleep early, and one time call you 'baka'. But this time, I really wanted to stay on the Skype call with you a bit longer. But you insisted otherwise. Even though I so stubbornly kept saying no... I said, "You told me to be more selfish, so I am". But instead you replied with, "This is not being selfish. You're hurting yourself". I wanted to talk with you more... I wanted to hear your voice more... I wanted you to listen to me more... "The earlier you sleep, the faster you'll see me tomorrow". You say it like it's so easy.
I... want to spend every time I have with you. Every chance that I have, to spend a bit more time with you. Because... I am scared of the future. Once you have full time job, and I go to uni, we'll be distant and be apart. I want to use evert chance that I can get to just spend, even if it's just a little bit... a bit more time with you... Is it that much to ask? Am I being too selfish? How selfish do you want me to be?...
You always say, "I'll talk to you tonight", "I'll talk to you on Skype later". I get really excited because I can see that you want to spend more time with me, and I wait for you to talk to me... but most of the times, you don't... and it breaks my heart... All that waiting for you to initiate the conversation with me... All that waiting... I gave up on waiting whenever you say that because I don't want to put my hopes up and wait for it to be shattered just to know that you never did...
But today, when we went on a Skype call, I wanted to stay on a call a bit longer with you. To make up, to catch up with each other for the time we didn't contact each other. But you said that I'm hurting myself by staying up late with you on a call. That doesn't hurt me. What hurts me that you broke your words most of the time, and making me patiently wait for your text for the whole night... Making me sleepless... making me overthink with negative thoughts... That hurts me a lot.
But I can't say these things to you. Because I'm worried of what you might think of me... that I might be crazy or something... that I'm thinking too much. That I'm not normal. That I'm not happy... because of you...
Please... I don't want to put my hopes to up and suffer later...
After you blew me countless kisses at the end of the call, and you said I love you to me... I didn't reply to you, instead I hanged up the call on you. Because I wasn't happy and was sad. I didn't want to blow you a kiss and say I love you when I'm sad. Because how can I? I would be deceiving myself and you. My feelings, emotions would be all messed up. I have to be honest with you... Even though I didn't tell you about this, and I know that I should. But I have to tell you on the right timing. The right time to tell you about how sad I felt that you don't contact me when you said that you will...
I was sad... Sad... that I could feel tears coming out of my eyes, but I tried to control it. I didn't want to cry about this. This is not even a serious problem and I didn't want it to be an issue in our relationship... So I tried to control it but still. I was still sad...
I love you mwah love. I really do... But I don't want my heart to be broken... because that hurts me the most that I can't sleep at night. I won't be able to sleep every day... I keep waiting for you to talk to me on Skype but you don't initiate it when you said you'll talk to me... Please understand me... I'm scared that you won't be able to... that's why I'm afraid of telling you this... When I want to tell you something that is upsetting me I have to tell you on the right time... But I can't seem to find that right time to tell you... It hurts.... It hurts a lot...
It's making me depressed a lot...
Saturday, 19 December 2015
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
80. Sad...
Recently I have been sad. Sad because we haven't been contacting each other... And every time I try to contact him... He's busy... I've been missing him a lot. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to be patient and wait to see him on saturday. Then I have to wait another week to see him on saturday. Then wait again, wait for another week, meet up with each other for a day, then wait another week to see him... It's hard. I've been trying my best to distract myself but I am just madly in love with him. I wish I could see him everyday, spend time with him...
But then that makes me very selfish, and very clingy. And I hate that about myself. Which is why I tried to control myself by being paitent, and getting myself distracted, by being busy. But there was this point where I was busy for 1week and three days, and we both deeply missed each other. He missed me a lot and I missed him too. I didn't want to be busy anymore because I want to see him as asap. And he wouldn't want me to work too long because he wants to see me too.
But recently... we haven't been contacting each other that much... and and... I miss him.. a lot. Especially today. Because today is our 6months anniversary. But to be honest, I don't think he cares and I don't think he remembers. I wanted to see him today but he must be tired from work. I care for his well being first. Plus, we both have work tomorrow and we shouldn't hang out too late.
Lately, I realised that whenever he says, "I talk to you tonight/later on skype", he never does... But I never mentioned about it because he probably forgot, or he was tired, or he was busy playing games... But he always says that but most of the times, he never does. But I don't think too much about it anymore. Because I got my hopes up when he said that but he didn't. And it just completely makes me depressed because he got me excited and I was waiting for his message or call but he didn't. Now everytime he doesn't, I try not to think too deep about it anymore. It's just me thinking too much. I am overthinking too much about these little things that aren't much of a problem.
It's just that he hasn't been contacting me that much and I am very sad about it. I don't like initiating the conversation... I feel clingy and annoying. And I contact him during bad times, when he's busy... And I feel that I'm putting more effort and, and, and... I don't know anymore. I tried to control myself today. Epsecially today when we dated for exactly 6 months now. But I initiated a convo with him on whatsapp, saying that "I know that you're working right not but I just want to say that I miss you. And don't listen to me". Our conversation was very brief because I told him later he should go back to work. He ended that he'll talk to me later tonight... And I am still waiting for him... for him to talk to me because god... I miss him so much... TT^TT
I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that I am so annoying, clingy, overthinking too much, and, missing him too much. I think there should be a limit where I think of him in a daily basis, and where I miss him. It's too much that I don't think my special someone thinks that much about me...
Here we go again, me overthinking too much... I tried to think positively but really... I am getting myself on my nerves... Sigh... I really need to control myself and be more patient.
But then that makes me very selfish, and very clingy. And I hate that about myself. Which is why I tried to control myself by being paitent, and getting myself distracted, by being busy. But there was this point where I was busy for 1week and three days, and we both deeply missed each other. He missed me a lot and I missed him too. I didn't want to be busy anymore because I want to see him as asap. And he wouldn't want me to work too long because he wants to see me too.
But recently... we haven't been contacting each other that much... and and... I miss him.. a lot. Especially today. Because today is our 6months anniversary. But to be honest, I don't think he cares and I don't think he remembers. I wanted to see him today but he must be tired from work. I care for his well being first. Plus, we both have work tomorrow and we shouldn't hang out too late.
Lately, I realised that whenever he says, "I talk to you tonight/later on skype", he never does... But I never mentioned about it because he probably forgot, or he was tired, or he was busy playing games... But he always says that but most of the times, he never does. But I don't think too much about it anymore. Because I got my hopes up when he said that but he didn't. And it just completely makes me depressed because he got me excited and I was waiting for his message or call but he didn't. Now everytime he doesn't, I try not to think too deep about it anymore. It's just me thinking too much. I am overthinking too much about these little things that aren't much of a problem.
It's just that he hasn't been contacting me that much and I am very sad about it. I don't like initiating the conversation... I feel clingy and annoying. And I contact him during bad times, when he's busy... And I feel that I'm putting more effort and, and, and... I don't know anymore. I tried to control myself today. Epsecially today when we dated for exactly 6 months now. But I initiated a convo with him on whatsapp, saying that "I know that you're working right not but I just want to say that I miss you. And don't listen to me". Our conversation was very brief because I told him later he should go back to work. He ended that he'll talk to me later tonight... And I am still waiting for him... for him to talk to me because god... I miss him so much... TT^TT
I don't know what to do with myself. I hate that I am so annoying, clingy, overthinking too much, and, missing him too much. I think there should be a limit where I think of him in a daily basis, and where I miss him. It's too much that I don't think my special someone thinks that much about me...
Here we go again, me overthinking too much... I tried to think positively but really... I am getting myself on my nerves... Sigh... I really need to control myself and be more patient.
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
79. Busy
I have been busy that I haven't been able to blog in a while. Do I like my job? half-half. But it's better than my old jobs. My role is easy and the pay rate is a lot higher. Honestly, I think they should set it higher since it is a good quality and big restaurant. But it's a lot better compared to my old jobs.
The only factor that I hate about working here is the work hours. The work hours is unbelievable. I am working over time, and they don't pay you overtime. They give you so much work hours that literally your feet is sore everyday from standing all day. I know I am working as a full time but this is unbelievable in Australia. The maximum full time hours you can work in a week is 34hours. Well the staffs that is working here in this restaurant is working WAAAAY over the limit. The manager wanted me to work at least 6 days a week but I couldn't handle it, and my parents strongly disagreed. I discussed with him, and it is decided that I work 5 days/week. But I am still working over the maximum hours.
Three of the waitstaffs quitted. I thought it was the right decision for them.
I did thought about quitting because of the ridiculous work hours. But it's a lot better than my old jobs. This is a better workplace that I have worked so far. So I might as well continue through with it till uni starts.
I'm going to stop working anyway by late February. Just few more weeks... months to go...
The only factor that I hate about working here is the work hours. The work hours is unbelievable. I am working over time, and they don't pay you overtime. They give you so much work hours that literally your feet is sore everyday from standing all day. I know I am working as a full time but this is unbelievable in Australia. The maximum full time hours you can work in a week is 34hours. Well the staffs that is working here in this restaurant is working WAAAAY over the limit. The manager wanted me to work at least 6 days a week but I couldn't handle it, and my parents strongly disagreed. I discussed with him, and it is decided that I work 5 days/week. But I am still working over the maximum hours.
Three of the waitstaffs quitted. I thought it was the right decision for them.
I did thought about quitting because of the ridiculous work hours. But it's a lot better than my old jobs. This is a better workplace that I have worked so far. So I might as well continue through with it till uni starts.
I'm going to stop working anyway by late February. Just few more weeks... months to go...
Tuesday, 17 November 2015
78. Stupid Tears?
The time has finally come... He has a job now and is gonna work every weekdays. I was afraid that this was coming but I was prepared and expected it to happen. Even though I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, some part of me didn't want that to happen. I wanted him and us to to be free. I want to spend more time with him. There are so many things that I still haven't done with him. I don't see him that often, and I really want to use every little bit of time I have... just to have his company. He and I both have jobs and it'll be hard for us to see each other that often now...
Today was his first day of work, and I didn't initiate any conversation with him today because I didn't want to disturb him. But before it hit midnight, I thought of contacting him... but I didn't. I didn't want to seem too clingy by contacting him most of the time. He must have been tired so I would understand if we didn't talk for today. But I really missed him. I thought about him the whole day. And... I just really missed him. I tried to control my emotions but my feelings for him were too strong. To the point I felt sad... for not being able to talk with him today... for missing him too much. I felt sad, that I tried to distract myself with watching animes, checking videos on youtube, talking with friends. But I still think about him. Does he think about me as much as I think about him? Probably not...
But just then, he talked to me on Skype. I was so relieved... that tears were falling from my eyes. I felt relieved that he does think about me and at least talk to me for a little bit before he goes to sleep. He told me how his day was, and told me about his workplace. But he had to go to sleep soon to wake up early for work, so our conversation was brief. At the end of our conversation, he said, "Just thought i'll check up on you before sleeping". I replied, "I'm glad you did ^^ go to sleep now~ you got a big day trrw". I am really glad he talked to me, even just for a little bit. Because it means that he cares for me. It meant a lot to me that tears came out... I was so afraid that since we won't have the time to meet up that often, that we'll start to become distant...
I'm so stupid for crying over these things... It's just probably me just thinking too much again... He'll be working for a while, and will be working even more after that. During those times, I have to go to uni for another three years. I have to get use to it even though I hate it. I'm scared that we'll get distant... that we won't have time for each other... that eventually... it lead to...
Sighhh...
I really am overthinking into these things. But right now, I am happy for him that he has a job. I really am happy for him but at the same time, it just means that we don't have that much time with each other. I am sad about that but I just have to get use to it. It's the reality and we have to live through it. I have to be strong... and survive through it. It's hard because I miss him all the time... but I shall have things that distracts me such as working, animes, youtubes, friends, family.
I really love him...
Today was his first day of work, and I didn't initiate any conversation with him today because I didn't want to disturb him. But before it hit midnight, I thought of contacting him... but I didn't. I didn't want to seem too clingy by contacting him most of the time. He must have been tired so I would understand if we didn't talk for today. But I really missed him. I thought about him the whole day. And... I just really missed him. I tried to control my emotions but my feelings for him were too strong. To the point I felt sad... for not being able to talk with him today... for missing him too much. I felt sad, that I tried to distract myself with watching animes, checking videos on youtube, talking with friends. But I still think about him. Does he think about me as much as I think about him? Probably not...
But just then, he talked to me on Skype. I was so relieved... that tears were falling from my eyes. I felt relieved that he does think about me and at least talk to me for a little bit before he goes to sleep. He told me how his day was, and told me about his workplace. But he had to go to sleep soon to wake up early for work, so our conversation was brief. At the end of our conversation, he said, "Just thought i'll check up on you before sleeping". I replied, "I'm glad you did ^^ go to sleep now~ you got a big day trrw". I am really glad he talked to me, even just for a little bit. Because it means that he cares for me. It meant a lot to me that tears came out... I was so afraid that since we won't have the time to meet up that often, that we'll start to become distant...
I'm so stupid for crying over these things... It's just probably me just thinking too much again... He'll be working for a while, and will be working even more after that. During those times, I have to go to uni for another three years. I have to get use to it even though I hate it. I'm scared that we'll get distant... that we won't have time for each other... that eventually... it lead to...
Sighhh...
I really am overthinking into these things. But right now, I am happy for him that he has a job. I really am happy for him but at the same time, it just means that we don't have that much time with each other. I am sad about that but I just have to get use to it. It's the reality and we have to live through it. I have to be strong... and survive through it. It's hard because I miss him all the time... but I shall have things that distracts me such as working, animes, youtubes, friends, family.
I really love him...
Thursday, 12 November 2015
77. Missing you a lot...
I now have a full time job at a Korean BBQ buffet restaurant in Bankstown. Because it's full time I am to work 6 days a week. This means I won't have time to relax, go out with friends and ses my Special someone.
Ever since I finished uni, I've been looking for several part time jobs and have been applying to many different places. I found this place and thought, 'hmm I'm free throughout my breaks so I can earn money and work full time. Plus since my SS is still busy with work, I might as well be preoccupied with my work too'. I know we wouldn't be able to see each often but it might stop me from thinking about him and missing him too much. And he might miss me instead.
But ever since I started working... I missed him a lot... So much that I thought, 'Screw it, I'm gonna contact him even though we texted before'. We mostly have one conversation per day, or there are days we don't even talk at all. But lately, we've been going onto Skype everyday and have more than one conversafion per day. I felt happy. It made me wanting to see him moreee instead. I want to see him soon. Because I still don't have my schedule for my workplace yet, I don't know the next time I'll see my friends or him again...
Sighh...
We're still preparing the restaurant and it's not officially open yet. But we will get our timetable soon. I quickly want to see my SS soon. I want to see him. I thought that he would miss me more than I would miss him. But no... I miss him... But he does miss me because he contacts me and invited me for dinner after our work, which we rarely do (because he's tired after his work).
Goshhh... I miss him and I wanna see him soon.
Ever since I finished uni, I've been looking for several part time jobs and have been applying to many different places. I found this place and thought, 'hmm I'm free throughout my breaks so I can earn money and work full time. Plus since my SS is still busy with work, I might as well be preoccupied with my work too'. I know we wouldn't be able to see each often but it might stop me from thinking about him and missing him too much. And he might miss me instead.
But ever since I started working... I missed him a lot... So much that I thought, 'Screw it, I'm gonna contact him even though we texted before'. We mostly have one conversation per day, or there are days we don't even talk at all. But lately, we've been going onto Skype everyday and have more than one conversafion per day. I felt happy. It made me wanting to see him moreee instead. I want to see him soon. Because I still don't have my schedule for my workplace yet, I don't know the next time I'll see my friends or him again...
Sighh...
We're still preparing the restaurant and it's not officially open yet. But we will get our timetable soon. I quickly want to see my SS soon. I want to see him. I thought that he would miss me more than I would miss him. But no... I miss him... But he does miss me because he contacts me and invited me for dinner after our work, which we rarely do (because he's tired after his work).
Goshhh... I miss him and I wanna see him soon.
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
Monday, 2 November 2015
75.1.5month...
For the past 1.5month, I have been stressing and worrying about something. Sighhh. Just when everything was going so well I now have another serious problem. I am yet stressed and worried again. I shall be careful next time. I really need to be careful.
Saturday, 31 October 2015
74. Thoughts lately...
It's not that easy to try to think positively. Especially if you have the habit of overthinking too much... overthinking negatively of everything. But I will try my best to fix that. It will take time but I try my best.
Earlier this month I gave him this bottle with 100 capsules inside. Inside these capsules contains a mini scroll where you can write special messages on them. After writing 100 messages, and placing them inside the pills, I gave it to him. ^^ He probably thought it was some kind of weird drugs but nope. They're very good for your heart.
Anyways, he decided to read one capsule, each day. It was a good idea that he came up with. ^^ That way he can have fun reading them everyday for about 3months and a bit. He's not that much of a curious person so he can handle it.
When he read his first capsule message, I was on a Skype call with him. I wanted to know which messages will be his first. ^^ It was soooooo embarrassing to hear the message from him. Since he loves my reaction, he decided to read it only when we're on Skype call, or if we meet each other in person. When we're on Skype call, he likes to tease me by taking his time and not letting me know the message instantly. Aiiyaaa... When we meet each other in person, he choose the capsule, and I get to read it out loud in front of him. Sighhhh.... It's so embarrassing to do these things..... that's why he loves my reactions.
However, when we don't see each other, or don't go on Skype calls, he doesn't read the capsules. So the next time we're on Skype call or we meet each other, we make up how many capsules we haven't read. Which is a good idea too.
But lately, I just.... was slightly depressed. I was overthinking too much about our relationship. I thought I understood him, and that I am the only person who can understand him well... but I guess not. Because I am not confident with myself... So I started to question about our relationship and about him. But I was thinking too deep and was stupid. Sighhh....
I caught up with him, and met him today. I did tell him some parts about it, but I didn't tell him how I was slightly depressed.
I asked him, "Did you miss me?"
"I missed you"
"you did?"
"yes"
"......"
Then I asked him another question, "Do you love me?"
"I love you"
"you do?"
"I do"
I felt happy knowing that he loves me. Because he's a shy guy, he doesn't say or does much. So it's really hard to tell if he does care about me or loves me...
I did tell him that lately I was worried. Because he didn't say 'I love you' lately these days (or weeks)... He told me that he still gets embarrassed when saying those words. So when he does say it, it means a lot. I understood what he meant. I really do understand. There are people who say I love you constantly to their partners everyday, but with him... he says it when we're in a moment. He told me that, if he says 'I love you' regularly, that it wouldn't feel much as a worth. I later told him that, if he does say those words, it worths a lot and that it means a lot to me. But he is a shy guy at heart when it comes to romance. Sighhh... And I thought I was shy but it seems that he is, at times.
Even though I get red, and blush alot, and gets embarrassed a lot by being around him, it seems that he's more shyer than me.
Back then, I couldn't stand it when he was staring at me when we met up after I confessed to him. So I told him to sit next to my side, so in that way, I wouldn't have to keep in eye contact with him. I was really, really shy around him. My heartbeat a lot around him, and I couldn't control it. I couldn't talk to him properly/casually like with my friends/uni friends.
When I was going to meet him at his workplace, I couldn't keep myself still. I kept on leaving the store and coming back in several times. I was really shy around him... I just couldn't believe it you know. That he was my boyfriend.
My face kept on getting red whenever I was around him for the first month we started dating. And I thought that was annoying him, but he said he found it cute. I decided to control my blushes, and my heartbeat, and not to get tooooo excited whenever I meet up with him. Because I have to start getting use to being around him if we're going to be in a long term relationship. After that, I tried to be more confident around him, and talk to him causally (without getting nervous!).
I must say, I definitely got use to being around him without being shy now. I'm myself when I'm around him.
In one of my old posts before, I mentioned how when I was single, and thought that if I get a partner, I would treasure and be loving to that partner. Yep. That is true. I say 'I love you', 'I miss you', kiss SS on his cheeks, being clingy to him. These actions wouldn't be count as shy. But for him it is. He's not a huggy or a physical type of person, so that he felt comfortable when I was clingy onto him. I guess it's because that I initiate to hold his hand first, or hug him first.
But when it comes to kissing on the lips, or saying 'I love you', or 'I miss you', I want him to make the first moves. Because those actions are very special, and I would be over the moon if he do those things first. To show that he really does care, and loves me.
At first, whenever I mentioned how I missed him a lot. He didn't know how to reply and would try to avoid saying those words back to me. I felt depressed at first. But then I realised he gets embarrassed by saying those words.
When it comes to kissing, sometimes he and I initiates the kiss. So I don't have any problems with that.
But when it comes to saying 'I love you'........... I really do want to say 'I love you' to him. I really want to say those words every time I see him. But... when I did a lot at first, he questions how I say those words a lot. I thought that how he didn't like hearing those words all the time or how I ight have annoyed him... So I stopped saying 'I love you', and would only say those words when we're in the right moments.
But recently, when I said, "I love you" to him. He avoided saying those words and say, 'Thank you. I really appreciate your words', instead. Of course I rather hear a genuine 'I love you' than instead of a force 'I love you'. I didn't mind it at first, until..... I didn't hear him saying those words to me as often to me anymore...
That's why I was overthinking a lot... because we haven't been contacting each other a lot recently... but when we did have the chance, he didn't read the capsules (probably because he forgot...). And he didn't say, 'I miss you', or 'I love you' as often anymore... I thought that he might have found me boring, or annoying, or that I wasn't important enough to him.... but no I was overthinking too much. He's a busy man with works, and games. Plus, he's shy to say those embarrassing (sweet) stuffs. I thought that recently, we were growing distant with each other but no. I was just thinking too much, thinking too deep.
The night before we met today, we had a Skype convo.
SS: so you have no plans tomorrow?
Me: I do~ To see you. Do you have plans trrw?
SS: do I?
Me: Do you?
SS: maybe?
Me: If you're busy trrw then we dont have to meet
SS: thought i'll be busy cause i'll be meeting you though
Me: >< What to do with you...
I thought that he didn't wanted to see me but he did. Later, we went on a Skype call and I reminded him that we didn't have to meet tomorrow if he's tired or sick. Then he asked me, "You don't want to see me tomorrow?"
"No, of course I want to see you. But I care more about your wellbeing. Your health is way more important than me being selfish..."
"..."
We kinda had a awkward pause until he asked me,
"Do you want to see me tomorrow?"
"Yes..."
I'm glad that I met up with him today, and talked some parts about it to him. And I was over here being depressed for no reason. He's a good guy and he wouldn't treat me that way. He loves me, it just that he doesn't show it that much. And I misunderstood it, and thought negatively about it. Sighhh....
I need to fix my habit of overthinking...
Earlier this month I gave him this bottle with 100 capsules inside. Inside these capsules contains a mini scroll where you can write special messages on them. After writing 100 messages, and placing them inside the pills, I gave it to him. ^^ He probably thought it was some kind of weird drugs but nope. They're very good for your heart.
Anyways, he decided to read one capsule, each day. It was a good idea that he came up with. ^^ That way he can have fun reading them everyday for about 3months and a bit. He's not that much of a curious person so he can handle it.
When he read his first capsule message, I was on a Skype call with him. I wanted to know which messages will be his first. ^^ It was soooooo embarrassing to hear the message from him. Since he loves my reaction, he decided to read it only when we're on Skype call, or if we meet each other in person. When we're on Skype call, he likes to tease me by taking his time and not letting me know the message instantly. Aiiyaaa... When we meet each other in person, he choose the capsule, and I get to read it out loud in front of him. Sighhhh.... It's so embarrassing to do these things..... that's why he loves my reactions.
However, when we don't see each other, or don't go on Skype calls, he doesn't read the capsules. So the next time we're on Skype call or we meet each other, we make up how many capsules we haven't read. Which is a good idea too.
But lately, I just.... was slightly depressed. I was overthinking too much about our relationship. I thought I understood him, and that I am the only person who can understand him well... but I guess not. Because I am not confident with myself... So I started to question about our relationship and about him. But I was thinking too deep and was stupid. Sighhh....
I caught up with him, and met him today. I did tell him some parts about it, but I didn't tell him how I was slightly depressed.
I asked him, "Did you miss me?"
"I missed you"
"you did?"
"yes"
"......"
Then I asked him another question, "Do you love me?"
"I love you"
"you do?"
"I do"
I felt happy knowing that he loves me. Because he's a shy guy, he doesn't say or does much. So it's really hard to tell if he does care about me or loves me...
I did tell him that lately I was worried. Because he didn't say 'I love you' lately these days (or weeks)... He told me that he still gets embarrassed when saying those words. So when he does say it, it means a lot. I understood what he meant. I really do understand. There are people who say I love you constantly to their partners everyday, but with him... he says it when we're in a moment. He told me that, if he says 'I love you' regularly, that it wouldn't feel much as a worth. I later told him that, if he does say those words, it worths a lot and that it means a lot to me. But he is a shy guy at heart when it comes to romance. Sighhh... And I thought I was shy but it seems that he is, at times.
Even though I get red, and blush alot, and gets embarrassed a lot by being around him, it seems that he's more shyer than me.
Back then, I couldn't stand it when he was staring at me when we met up after I confessed to him. So I told him to sit next to my side, so in that way, I wouldn't have to keep in eye contact with him. I was really, really shy around him. My heartbeat a lot around him, and I couldn't control it. I couldn't talk to him properly/casually like with my friends/uni friends.
When I was going to meet him at his workplace, I couldn't keep myself still. I kept on leaving the store and coming back in several times. I was really shy around him... I just couldn't believe it you know. That he was my boyfriend.
My face kept on getting red whenever I was around him for the first month we started dating. And I thought that was annoying him, but he said he found it cute. I decided to control my blushes, and my heartbeat, and not to get tooooo excited whenever I meet up with him. Because I have to start getting use to being around him if we're going to be in a long term relationship. After that, I tried to be more confident around him, and talk to him causally (without getting nervous!).
I must say, I definitely got use to being around him without being shy now. I'm myself when I'm around him.
In one of my old posts before, I mentioned how when I was single, and thought that if I get a partner, I would treasure and be loving to that partner. Yep. That is true. I say 'I love you', 'I miss you', kiss SS on his cheeks, being clingy to him. These actions wouldn't be count as shy. But for him it is. He's not a huggy or a physical type of person, so that he felt comfortable when I was clingy onto him. I guess it's because that I initiate to hold his hand first, or hug him first.
But when it comes to kissing on the lips, or saying 'I love you', or 'I miss you', I want him to make the first moves. Because those actions are very special, and I would be over the moon if he do those things first. To show that he really does care, and loves me.
At first, whenever I mentioned how I missed him a lot. He didn't know how to reply and would try to avoid saying those words back to me. I felt depressed at first. But then I realised he gets embarrassed by saying those words.
When it comes to kissing, sometimes he and I initiates the kiss. So I don't have any problems with that.
But when it comes to saying 'I love you'........... I really do want to say 'I love you' to him. I really want to say those words every time I see him. But... when I did a lot at first, he questions how I say those words a lot. I thought that how he didn't like hearing those words all the time or how I ight have annoyed him... So I stopped saying 'I love you', and would only say those words when we're in the right moments.
But recently, when I said, "I love you" to him. He avoided saying those words and say, 'Thank you. I really appreciate your words', instead. Of course I rather hear a genuine 'I love you' than instead of a force 'I love you'. I didn't mind it at first, until..... I didn't hear him saying those words to me as often to me anymore...
That's why I was overthinking a lot... because we haven't been contacting each other a lot recently... but when we did have the chance, he didn't read the capsules (probably because he forgot...). And he didn't say, 'I miss you', or 'I love you' as often anymore... I thought that he might have found me boring, or annoying, or that I wasn't important enough to him.... but no I was overthinking too much. He's a busy man with works, and games. Plus, he's shy to say those embarrassing (sweet) stuffs. I thought that recently, we were growing distant with each other but no. I was just thinking too much, thinking too deep.
The night before we met today, we had a Skype convo.
SS: so you have no plans tomorrow?
Me: I do~ To see you. Do you have plans trrw?
SS: do I?
Me: Do you?
SS: maybe?
Me: If you're busy trrw then we dont have to meet
SS: thought i'll be busy cause i'll be meeting you though
Me: >< What to do with you...
I thought that he didn't wanted to see me but he did. Later, we went on a Skype call and I reminded him that we didn't have to meet tomorrow if he's tired or sick. Then he asked me, "You don't want to see me tomorrow?"
"No, of course I want to see you. But I care more about your wellbeing. Your health is way more important than me being selfish..."
"..."
We kinda had a awkward pause until he asked me,
"Do you want to see me tomorrow?"
"Yes..."
I'm glad that I met up with him today, and talked some parts about it to him. And I was over here being depressed for no reason. He's a good guy and he wouldn't treat me that way. He loves me, it just that he doesn't show it that much. And I misunderstood it, and thought negatively about it. Sighhh....
I need to fix my habit of overthinking...
Thursday, 29 October 2015
73. Happy Birthday Adorable
A big happy birthday to my best friend in the world Adorable. I'm really glad that this time I successfully convinced you to go out with me to celebrate your bday. I was laughing and happy the whole time of how excited your bf was during the korean bbq buffet. I'm glad that I made someone happy. But of course, your happiness is more important and meant a lot to me. I'm glad you were happy and everyone was happy because that makes me happy too.
After dinner, we went to the beach and that was the first time I went to the beach at night. It wasn't pretty as I thought it did, but damn it was fun and memorable. I didn't know your eyesight was this bad that you couldn't see ANYTHING. Lollll. It was fun going into the waters, playing with the sand, trying to ses how deep our footprints were. When you flicked the twig at the sand, that hurts coz the sand went into my eyes. Not a good feeling. =___=
Over these two years, I realised how comfortable I am with you and Pat. Goshhh.... There are still traumas though... Ahahaha
Thank you, thank you and thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for being my friend. I really hoped you enjoyed your bday Adorable. Even though there weren't that much stars tonight, at least we had seen a big, beautiful orange moon.
Happy Birthdayyyyy Adorableeee~~
After dinner, we went to the beach and that was the first time I went to the beach at night. It wasn't pretty as I thought it did, but damn it was fun and memorable. I didn't know your eyesight was this bad that you couldn't see ANYTHING. Lollll. It was fun going into the waters, playing with the sand, trying to ses how deep our footprints were. When you flicked the twig at the sand, that hurts coz the sand went into my eyes. Not a good feeling. =___=
Over these two years, I realised how comfortable I am with you and Pat. Goshhh.... There are still traumas though... Ahahaha
Thank you, thank you and thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for being my friend. I really hoped you enjoyed your bday Adorable. Even though there weren't that much stars tonight, at least we had seen a big, beautiful orange moon.
Happy Birthdayyyyy Adorableeee~~
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
72. Today
Today, I've met up with my uni friend called Michelle. I really like hanging out with her. Today was all fun until after we had to go home. I was in the train and comteplating my relationship with SS. There I go again, overthinking too much... I was slightly depressed but soon after I got off at my station, I saw my childhood friend. We caught up with our lives, and he introduced my to his friend named Cid/Syd?... I told my childhood friend that I have a boyfriend and he was very curious. He started to ask me all these questions about my boyfriend. I think he's gonna stalk my special someone later on facebook. ^^
As I was walking back home, I was contemplating about life. I have such a happy life and I should stop thinking so negatively. I realised that thinking of every worst possible scenarios is a very bad idea because even though you're mentally prepared for it, you're still going to be depressed about it. I don't like feeling depressed.
Therefore, I'm going to change my views from now on. I am going to think positively from now on. Thinking negatively doesn't help me at all. It makes me depressed. It makes me overthink too much. I am going to enjoy every single moment as best as I can.
If there are any worst case scenarios, I will stay strong. I will be strong. I will take care of it when the time comes.
I need to fix my habit of overthinking too much.
Life is bittersweet.
As I was walking back home, I was contemplating about life. I have such a happy life and I should stop thinking so negatively. I realised that thinking of every worst possible scenarios is a very bad idea because even though you're mentally prepared for it, you're still going to be depressed about it. I don't like feeling depressed.
Therefore, I'm going to change my views from now on. I am going to think positively from now on. Thinking negatively doesn't help me at all. It makes me depressed. It makes me overthink too much. I am going to enjoy every single moment as best as I can.
If there are any worst case scenarios, I will stay strong. I will be strong. I will take care of it when the time comes.
I need to fix my habit of overthinking too much.
Life is bittersweet.
Thursday, 22 October 2015
71. The future?
On my Bday, I was having a deep conversation with SS. He first said happy birthday to me, then asked me if I have any goals before I turn 20. I honestly dont. So I said to continue with uni for now. He then asked me about my career wise, my job. He asked if I want to become or could become a teacher. To be honest, I really don't have any confidence in myself. I really don't know if I could become a teacher but....... I didn't lie to him but...... I answered yes. Because even though I don't believe in myself now, I have to become a teacher don't I? It's my degree.
I am studying this degree but I don't even know if I could become a teacher. But I know that I have to become a teacher because I have to get a full time job later soon in the future anyways....... I have to become a teacher... I have to get a job that relates to that field.... so.... I answered yes......
I guess I didn't want him to worry about my job career because..... he's worrying about himself now..... So he shouldn't think about mine just yet. When the time comes, then I will start worrying about my career. Right now I just wanna concentrate on not failing on any of my units and improve my japanese! I really, really want to do better in japanese. Sighhhh.....
Anyways, back to the topic. I didn't have any goals before I turn 20, I just wanted to concentrate on uni for now. I later told him that I only focus on the present time, right now. Not the future, because he knows how I always overthink too much, so I believe that you should concentrate on what's important now, because you're living through the present time. He and I had some discussions about how you should also think about the future, so that you can prepare yourself and stuff, which I do! I just don't wanna think too much about the future, because it scares and worries me.......
I did tell him that I do think about the future.... how I'm scared that he's gonna get a full time job, and he's gonna be way more busier than he is right now... and that we'll hardly see each other... and that it scares me because I'll miss him too much... and that we might grow distant.....
I mentioned this many times before, but I'm going to say it again, we only see each other once a week. Once he's get a job.... we'll hardly see each other.... I want him to take breaks, let him rest on his day off because he'll be exhausted from work... His health is way more important so...... TT^TT But I am very emotional and I miss him a lot..... I can't handle long distance relationship..... And we don't really contact each other that much by text message anymore... because he and I are not texters... We use Skype to call each other now, but lately, we haven't been on a call...... We don't talk that much outside and........ if he does find a job..... I'm scared we'll grow distant...... TT^TT It's just that I can wait for him! I'll be paitent!!! But.... I'm scared that he'll get bored of me, or....... he doesn't care about me anymore if we don't contact each other that much........ I know him and I believe in him, and I trust him but........ I don't have doubts, and I really do trust him!!! But......... I have to think of every worst possible scenarios, you know... I have to think of the worst so I can prepare myself. This is why I hate thinking about the future because I always overthink and I hate that so muchhh. This is why you should focus on the present and live through the moment.... sighhh....
I did tell some of this to him, and he said he'll always tries to meet me if he has the chance to. TT^TT Because he too wants to see me. What he said touched my heart. I can tell that he loves me. Sighhhh... what can I do?...... I really do love him a lot.....
We briefly talked about our future. Sighhh.....
Right now, I am not interested in marriage, and not interested in having kids. But since I do overthink a lot about the future... I imagined myself being married to him..... I don't know if we'll get married or even could get married. Right now, my parents accepts that I'm dating with SS, but marriage is one thing they can't accept.... Sighhh..... Its understandable because we're still young, we're in our first relationship, and we've been in a relationship for more than four months now.... but still.... it hurts when they say those things.........
Sighhh.....
If I could get married to him, I'll be the happiest girl in the world.... ^^ My first boyfriend is my first and only love/hubby in the world. Hahaha.... I do think about these things but right now, I'm not interested in marriage. So I never talk about the 'marriage' topic with him. Plus we're still only dating.
But when we were having our deep conversation, we did talk about kids before. He wanted a family, and he wants 1 or 2 kids. We thought of the names for our kids. Since SS is white, and I'm black, we tried to name our kids that sounds similar to grey or silver. For a girl, he thought of Silvia, which I thought was pretty. But we couldn't come up any pretty or cool names that sounds similar to grey or silver for a boy. I did come up with some suggestions but they sound too weird.
Having these conversations with him is fun but then again... its sweet..... Because it shows how much he loves me that he even thinks about having kids with me in the future. I am potential to be his wife. Lollllll. It's still early to think about these things but I do think about these things from time to time.
At the start of our relationship, I never imagined marriage with him. Never. It's too early to think about that and plus I'm not interested in marriage. But I didn't know if he was gonna be my first and last boyfriend. I didn't think our relationship was gonna last a long time. I did thought of us of having possible break up in the future. This is why I hate thinking of every worst possible scenarios. But I am mentally preparing myself but then again....... I can't imagine myself breaking up with him because I love him too much...... I love him so much, how can I think about breaking up with him?! If we broke up..... I'm going to be very depressed.... I don't think I can handle us.... being separated.... I'll miss him a lot... I miss him too much... That's why when I do have the chance to meet him, I hold onto him, I just don't want to let him go.... Even if it's just for a minute, I want to stick by his side all the time. Because I love him...... There's this song and it fits my situation. I'm gonna love him like I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna use every moments we have together, and just love him for each hours, each minutes, each seconds.
I might seem clingy, and I worry about that all the time. On my bday, I asked him, "Do I annoy you?" He said no and asked me why. Because I worry that he might find it annoying if I'm clingy all the time. But he said he doesn't mind, and if I do annoy him, he would have said something already. ^^ Phew. I'm glad that it doesn't annoy him. I like to hold onto him all the time. What can I say... I'm a very huggy, cuddly person.
My gawd, I changed my topic again. Anyways, my point is, I really enjoy having deep conversations with him. I do like to know his opinions of his future, my future, and our future together. We don't really have these deep conversations but when we do, I really do enjoy them listening to them.
I wonder what lies ahead of our future together. But in any case, I will prepare any worst scenario, so I'll always be ready. I want to spend time with him, and be together with him. He really makes me happy and feel loved. I hope he feels the same way as much as I do. He really means a lot to me.... ><
I love you mwah love~
I am studying this degree but I don't even know if I could become a teacher. But I know that I have to become a teacher because I have to get a full time job later soon in the future anyways....... I have to become a teacher... I have to get a job that relates to that field.... so.... I answered yes......
I guess I didn't want him to worry about my job career because..... he's worrying about himself now..... So he shouldn't think about mine just yet. When the time comes, then I will start worrying about my career. Right now I just wanna concentrate on not failing on any of my units and improve my japanese! I really, really want to do better in japanese. Sighhhh.....
Anyways, back to the topic. I didn't have any goals before I turn 20, I just wanted to concentrate on uni for now. I later told him that I only focus on the present time, right now. Not the future, because he knows how I always overthink too much, so I believe that you should concentrate on what's important now, because you're living through the present time. He and I had some discussions about how you should also think about the future, so that you can prepare yourself and stuff, which I do! I just don't wanna think too much about the future, because it scares and worries me.......
I did tell him that I do think about the future.... how I'm scared that he's gonna get a full time job, and he's gonna be way more busier than he is right now... and that we'll hardly see each other... and that it scares me because I'll miss him too much... and that we might grow distant.....
I mentioned this many times before, but I'm going to say it again, we only see each other once a week. Once he's get a job.... we'll hardly see each other.... I want him to take breaks, let him rest on his day off because he'll be exhausted from work... His health is way more important so...... TT^TT But I am very emotional and I miss him a lot..... I can't handle long distance relationship..... And we don't really contact each other that much by text message anymore... because he and I are not texters... We use Skype to call each other now, but lately, we haven't been on a call...... We don't talk that much outside and........ if he does find a job..... I'm scared we'll grow distant...... TT^TT It's just that I can wait for him! I'll be paitent!!! But.... I'm scared that he'll get bored of me, or....... he doesn't care about me anymore if we don't contact each other that much........ I know him and I believe in him, and I trust him but........ I don't have doubts, and I really do trust him!!! But......... I have to think of every worst possible scenarios, you know... I have to think of the worst so I can prepare myself. This is why I hate thinking about the future because I always overthink and I hate that so muchhh. This is why you should focus on the present and live through the moment.... sighhh....
I did tell some of this to him, and he said he'll always tries to meet me if he has the chance to. TT^TT Because he too wants to see me. What he said touched my heart. I can tell that he loves me. Sighhhh... what can I do?...... I really do love him a lot.....
We briefly talked about our future. Sighhh.....
Right now, I am not interested in marriage, and not interested in having kids. But since I do overthink a lot about the future... I imagined myself being married to him..... I don't know if we'll get married or even could get married. Right now, my parents accepts that I'm dating with SS, but marriage is one thing they can't accept.... Sighhh..... Its understandable because we're still young, we're in our first relationship, and we've been in a relationship for more than four months now.... but still.... it hurts when they say those things.........
Sighhh.....
If I could get married to him, I'll be the happiest girl in the world.... ^^ My first boyfriend is my first and only love/hubby in the world. Hahaha.... I do think about these things but right now, I'm not interested in marriage. So I never talk about the 'marriage' topic with him. Plus we're still only dating.
But when we were having our deep conversation, we did talk about kids before. He wanted a family, and he wants 1 or 2 kids. We thought of the names for our kids. Since SS is white, and I'm black, we tried to name our kids that sounds similar to grey or silver. For a girl, he thought of Silvia, which I thought was pretty. But we couldn't come up any pretty or cool names that sounds similar to grey or silver for a boy. I did come up with some suggestions but they sound too weird.
Having these conversations with him is fun but then again... its sweet..... Because it shows how much he loves me that he even thinks about having kids with me in the future. I am potential to be his wife. Lollllll. It's still early to think about these things but I do think about these things from time to time.
At the start of our relationship, I never imagined marriage with him. Never. It's too early to think about that and plus I'm not interested in marriage. But I didn't know if he was gonna be my first and last boyfriend. I didn't think our relationship was gonna last a long time. I did thought of us of having possible break up in the future. This is why I hate thinking of every worst possible scenarios. But I am mentally preparing myself but then again....... I can't imagine myself breaking up with him because I love him too much...... I love him so much, how can I think about breaking up with him?! If we broke up..... I'm going to be very depressed.... I don't think I can handle us.... being separated.... I'll miss him a lot... I miss him too much... That's why when I do have the chance to meet him, I hold onto him, I just don't want to let him go.... Even if it's just for a minute, I want to stick by his side all the time. Because I love him...... There's this song and it fits my situation. I'm gonna love him like I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna use every moments we have together, and just love him for each hours, each minutes, each seconds.
I might seem clingy, and I worry about that all the time. On my bday, I asked him, "Do I annoy you?" He said no and asked me why. Because I worry that he might find it annoying if I'm clingy all the time. But he said he doesn't mind, and if I do annoy him, he would have said something already. ^^ Phew. I'm glad that it doesn't annoy him. I like to hold onto him all the time. What can I say... I'm a very huggy, cuddly person.
My gawd, I changed my topic again. Anyways, my point is, I really enjoy having deep conversations with him. I do like to know his opinions of his future, my future, and our future together. We don't really have these deep conversations but when we do, I really do enjoy them listening to them.
I wonder what lies ahead of our future together. But in any case, I will prepare any worst scenario, so I'll always be ready. I want to spend time with him, and be together with him. He really makes me happy and feel loved. I hope he feels the same way as much as I do. He really means a lot to me.... ><
I love you mwah love~
Wednesday, 21 October 2015
70. OMG
I cannot stop thinking about it... Something embarrassing happened to me today and it's... ARGHHHHHH OH MY GAWDDDDDD...... Hahahahahahhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe....
I'm going crazy.... TT^TT Someone please help me...... Oh god....... I'm thinking too much and I need to stop thinking about it.... Oh my god.... I keep on thinking of what happened today and arghhhhh.... What should I do next time.... Oh my god.... What can I do next time....... Oh noooo...... This is really bad........... I.... sighhhhh.....
I need to stop overthinking..... too much...... sighhh
I'm going crazy.... TT^TT Someone please help me...... Oh god....... I'm thinking too much and I need to stop thinking about it.... Oh my god.... I keep on thinking of what happened today and arghhhhh.... What should I do next time.... Oh my god.... What can I do next time....... Oh noooo...... This is really bad........... I.... sighhhhh.....
I need to stop overthinking..... too much...... sighhh
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
69. Thank you~
I would like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday on my bday. ^^ Thank you, thank you and thank you. And Thank you so much. Words cannot express how happy I really am. Honestly. Thank you so much. I don't know what else to say but thank you.
I had my exams on my bday today and I just didn't wanted to do anything but concentrate on my exams. After my exams were over, I was planning to go home and focus on my presentation, that was due trrw but no... I met with my friends and my SS together, and had karaoke and dinner. I'm glad that we all had fun and that we were all happy. That's what it really matters.
If I didn't meet them today on my bday, I might have had a depressing bday, so I am glad that my friend convinced me to go out. Even though there are some things that I don't want to do, (for e.g. going to formal, or night clubbing) I'm really glad my friend convinced me on this one. So thank you again my friend. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. And I love you all.
I had my exams on my bday today and I just didn't wanted to do anything but concentrate on my exams. After my exams were over, I was planning to go home and focus on my presentation, that was due trrw but no... I met with my friends and my SS together, and had karaoke and dinner. I'm glad that we all had fun and that we were all happy. That's what it really matters.
If I didn't meet them today on my bday, I might have had a depressing bday, so I am glad that my friend convinced me to go out. Even though there are some things that I don't want to do, (for e.g. going to formal, or night clubbing) I'm really glad my friend convinced me on this one. So thank you again my friend. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. And I love you all.
Friday, 16 October 2015
68. Hello Depression Part 2
I'm still stressed and worried. Sighhh......
I don't feel like talking to anyone when I'm at my lows, so I just don't go onto social networks. I know that's selfish of me, but I don't want to affect the people I care about, about my depression or when I'm not feeling the best. I cannot hide my feelings that well. I can't pretend to be happy and force a smile in front of you, and talk casually??? Noooo! When I talk to you, I'm gonna be real. I just don't want people to see my sad, ugly, bad side of me. I don't want them to worry about me.
But if I am sad and do wanna talk to you about it, then I will. But most of the time, I just don't want to affect them with my depression. Because it's nothing to worry about for them......
So since I had headaches for three days and I've been having family-problem-thing with my mum, I've been avoiding my mum, my friends, and my SS.
Being in your room for days, and not going out of that room, and not talking to your family members and anyone else outside through social media is........ also depressing. It makes you think a lot about depressing things which makes you even more depressed. Which is stupid.
When I try to talk to my mum to reconcile, she was still mad. And that made it worse. Seeeee. But when I don't talk to her, we become distant. It's stupid. She needs to get over it.
I haven't been talking a lot to SS this week at all. We only caught up once this week by call. Sighhh...... I miss him.... I really do miss him. When I'm busy with uni, and he's busy with work is..... sad.......... We don't have enough time to spend time together. We only see each other once a week....... So sad..........
We need to use every chances to see each other for now because....... I'll still be going to uni for another 2 more years, and by then he'll have a full time job and will be a lot busier than now........ What if we don't see each other a lot, and grew distant?..... TT^TT
My gawdddd..... Being depressed makes you think a lot of depressing things.......
I hate it...
I don't feel like talking to anyone when I'm at my lows, so I just don't go onto social networks. I know that's selfish of me, but I don't want to affect the people I care about, about my depression or when I'm not feeling the best. I cannot hide my feelings that well. I can't pretend to be happy and force a smile in front of you, and talk casually??? Noooo! When I talk to you, I'm gonna be real. I just don't want people to see my sad, ugly, bad side of me. I don't want them to worry about me.
But if I am sad and do wanna talk to you about it, then I will. But most of the time, I just don't want to affect them with my depression. Because it's nothing to worry about for them......
So since I had headaches for three days and I've been having family-problem-thing with my mum, I've been avoiding my mum, my friends, and my SS.
Being in your room for days, and not going out of that room, and not talking to your family members and anyone else outside through social media is........ also depressing. It makes you think a lot about depressing things which makes you even more depressed. Which is stupid.
When I try to talk to my mum to reconcile, she was still mad. And that made it worse. Seeeee. But when I don't talk to her, we become distant. It's stupid. She needs to get over it.
I haven't been talking a lot to SS this week at all. We only caught up once this week by call. Sighhh...... I miss him.... I really do miss him. When I'm busy with uni, and he's busy with work is..... sad.......... We don't have enough time to spend time together. We only see each other once a week....... So sad..........
We need to use every chances to see each other for now because....... I'll still be going to uni for another 2 more years, and by then he'll have a full time job and will be a lot busier than now........ What if we don't see each other a lot, and grew distant?..... TT^TT
My gawdddd..... Being depressed makes you think a lot of depressing things.......
I hate it...
67. Hello Depression
I do not like being depressed. Being depressed makes me unhappy. I do not like being unhappy.
Sighhh.....
I have one more week left till uni, and that week is exams and assignments week only. I need to concentrate and study for my exams, but recently I had a huge, on-going headaches for 3 days. I was restless, sleepy, couldn't concentrate at all that I bludged 2 of my classes, and left an hr early for one of my tutorials. Because I haven't felt this sick in a while, I just needed some rest.
All I want is quiet and peace. I want to sleep, do not bother me, and do not talk to me. My mum did not help with that at all, and we had a fight again. Whenever she has mood swings, she really gets irritated, and because I wasn't feeling well, I shouted at her to not talk to me. Because her mood doesn't help me any better with my sickness. Sighhh....
My headaches lasted till three days, and during those days, I've been avoiding my mum and been talking to her less lately. When we did talk, she was frustrated at me. Can't be helped. If you bother me when I'm sick, I swear you're not helping yourself, or me, or anyone.
After my headaches were gone, I focused my whole day studying. I was literally making up for the day I didn't study, and my head hurts again...... I over did it too much....
It's funny how I missed my mum when she was gone. But when she came back, the house is loud again, and so meticulous everywhere that our house smells like swimming pool. I missed her and when I am at uni, I do miss her but.... she hasn't changed you know. Well so did I. Because we still didn't change, our normal ways are coming back. Back to when we have fights.....
When my mum was gone, I wasn't depressed that much. I felt lonely because I didn't have my mum. I missed her. But I felt happy when she was gone because yes I do have freedom outside, but no when it comes to taking care of the house. I guess I haven't felt that depressed when she was gone because we didn't have any fights thats why. Now that she's back, my gawddddd.... I swear to god.......... I even told her on the first day, the first day when she came back home, "Mum, let's not ever fight again." She replied, "Why would we?"
Yeah Mum WHY WOULD WE?!!! HUH?!!!!
- Hello Depression. Where have you been all this time???
- I've took a vacation in Korea. But now I'm back.
- Oh wow. So did my mum. Whata coincidence~ Did you guys go together or something?
- Hmmm.... Something like that.
- Screw you.
Sighhh.....
I have one more week left till uni, and that week is exams and assignments week only. I need to concentrate and study for my exams, but recently I had a huge, on-going headaches for 3 days. I was restless, sleepy, couldn't concentrate at all that I bludged 2 of my classes, and left an hr early for one of my tutorials. Because I haven't felt this sick in a while, I just needed some rest.
All I want is quiet and peace. I want to sleep, do not bother me, and do not talk to me. My mum did not help with that at all, and we had a fight again. Whenever she has mood swings, she really gets irritated, and because I wasn't feeling well, I shouted at her to not talk to me. Because her mood doesn't help me any better with my sickness. Sighhh....
My headaches lasted till three days, and during those days, I've been avoiding my mum and been talking to her less lately. When we did talk, she was frustrated at me. Can't be helped. If you bother me when I'm sick, I swear you're not helping yourself, or me, or anyone.
After my headaches were gone, I focused my whole day studying. I was literally making up for the day I didn't study, and my head hurts again...... I over did it too much....
It's funny how I missed my mum when she was gone. But when she came back, the house is loud again, and so meticulous everywhere that our house smells like swimming pool. I missed her and when I am at uni, I do miss her but.... she hasn't changed you know. Well so did I. Because we still didn't change, our normal ways are coming back. Back to when we have fights.....
When my mum was gone, I wasn't depressed that much. I felt lonely because I didn't have my mum. I missed her. But I felt happy when she was gone because yes I do have freedom outside, but no when it comes to taking care of the house. I guess I haven't felt that depressed when she was gone because we didn't have any fights thats why. Now that she's back, my gawddddd.... I swear to god.......... I even told her on the first day, the first day when she came back home, "Mum, let's not ever fight again." She replied, "Why would we?"
Yeah Mum WHY WOULD WE?!!! HUH?!!!!
- Hello Depression. Where have you been all this time???
- I've took a vacation in Korea. But now I'm back.
- Oh wow. So did my mum. Whata coincidence~ Did you guys go together or something?
- Hmmm.... Something like that.
- Screw you.
Monday, 12 October 2015
66. Worried...
Sighhhh... I'm worried... I'm stressed... I don't know what to do... Time is killing me.... I've been paitent enough.... now I'm freaking out.......
Sunday, 4 October 2015
65. Thank you my friend ^^
Lately, I had a sleepover at my friend's house. I felt happy for staying over at her place. I had lots of fun. I just wanted to say thank you for everything. For introducing me to this lovely restaurant called Sun Tat, shopping together at Chullora, experiencing my first and second, and third Maccas run, having a movie marathon, playing card games and cards against humanity, for having hot pot as dinner, and just spending time with me.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed it the most. Thank you for being there for through my ups and downs, when I was happy, sad, or worried, and even mad! ^^
Thank you and I love you my friend. ^^
Thank you for being there for me when I needed it the most. Thank you for being there for through my ups and downs, when I was happy, sad, or worried, and even mad! ^^
Thank you and I love you my friend. ^^
Monday, 28 September 2015
64. Falling in Love Again...
When I was spending time with SS's friends on Saturday. I felt happy. Very happy. I was nervous and excited when meeting his friends, but I had nothing to be worried about. His friends are all nice and funny people. Throughout the whole day, when I was with SS, I was thinking how happy I felt that I could spend time with his friends. Because whenever I'm with him, I'm always happy.
I'm always happy whenever I'm with him. When we first started dating, he starts to slowly open up, by hugging me, by being clingy at times, by saying embarrassing (sweet) things, and was always being honest with me. When he does these things, I fell in love with him. I remember the time when he first said "I love you". I never expected him to say it so early. We definitely did grew closer, and the love has always been there. We're just showing and opening up to more of that love.
When he wanted to see me more, when we had the chance to see each other more than once a week, when he puts in effort when seeing me... I fell in love with him....
When I first get to see his whole families, and how they are all kind-hearted people, I fell in love with him again....
When I get to meet and chill with his friends... I fell in love with again and again......
He didn't change, he just grown into this loving, romantic man. He's not romantic, but all these things make him romantic. I don't know how but he makes me fall in love with him again and again... I feel happy when I'm with him. He gave me so much happiness and love in his own ways.
When I was single, I always thought how I wanted to be a loving and giving person to my partner. But with him, it feels that SS is that person to me. When I thought about this, I stared at him.
I stared at him for a while and then he stared at me. I looked away and pretend that I was thinking of nothing. But since it is me, me as a person, I cannot hide my feelings. Most people can read me. I felt so happy....
I realised something and questioned myself. 'Do I make him happy as much as he make me happy?...' He hasn't seen my family or friends yet... Do I do things that does not make him happy enough??? Do I give him enough happiness or love??
I asked SS, "SS, do I make you happy?". He replied but I couldn't hear him well. But I think it sounded similar to, "Of course. You know me." ^^
Is it possible to fall in love with the same person over and over again?...
Yes, it is.
I'm always happy whenever I'm with him. When we first started dating, he starts to slowly open up, by hugging me, by being clingy at times, by saying embarrassing (sweet) things, and was always being honest with me. When he does these things, I fell in love with him. I remember the time when he first said "I love you". I never expected him to say it so early. We definitely did grew closer, and the love has always been there. We're just showing and opening up to more of that love.
When he wanted to see me more, when we had the chance to see each other more than once a week, when he puts in effort when seeing me... I fell in love with him....
When I first get to see his whole families, and how they are all kind-hearted people, I fell in love with him again....
When I get to meet and chill with his friends... I fell in love with again and again......
He didn't change, he just grown into this loving, romantic man. He's not romantic, but all these things make him romantic. I don't know how but he makes me fall in love with him again and again... I feel happy when I'm with him. He gave me so much happiness and love in his own ways.
When I was single, I always thought how I wanted to be a loving and giving person to my partner. But with him, it feels that SS is that person to me. When I thought about this, I stared at him.
I stared at him for a while and then he stared at me. I looked away and pretend that I was thinking of nothing. But since it is me, me as a person, I cannot hide my feelings. Most people can read me. I felt so happy....
I realised something and questioned myself. 'Do I make him happy as much as he make me happy?...' He hasn't seen my family or friends yet... Do I do things that does not make him happy enough??? Do I give him enough happiness or love??
I asked SS, "SS, do I make you happy?". He replied but I couldn't hear him well. But I think it sounded similar to, "Of course. You know me." ^^
Is it possible to fall in love with the same person over and over again?...
Yes, it is.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
63. Comic Con & SS's Friends
On Saturday, I was going to Comic Con with my Special someone and his friends. Because I was meeting all his friends for the first time, I was nervous and excited so much that I COULD NOT sleep at ALL. I know right... I'm crazy. I got up early, and went to meet SS at the station. He was running late, but it was all good. Others were late too.
When we got to Central, we headed to the Bristo cafe, and I met his friends called Charlie, Kevin and Michael. I already met Richard before at SMASH. I was so nervous and I tried to speaking to them but... I didn't know what they were saying... They were talking about programs, technologies, codes... But I've listened to them eagerly. We chat for a while, had little breakfast, and went out to the bus stop to catch the shuttle bus.
When we were on our way to the bus stop, I met another one of SS's friend called Genie. We both introduced ourselves, and caught the bus together. We got off at Comic Con and I was so excited once we were inside the building. SS told me to take it easy, but Richard said to let her unleash her excitement since she didn't the whole night. >< We looked around the artworks, the action figures, the comic books, the superhero weapons, T-shirts, games, and etc. I saw lots of cosplayers at this event as well. I was amazed. At SMASH I was too shy to ask the cosplayers if I could take a photo with them, but this time, I built up my courage to ask people. SS and Richard help to take photos of me and some of the cosplayers. ^^ There was SBS Pop Asia, and all of the guys were dancing to Gangnam Style for 15 seconds. If anyone participates to dance, they could win free tickets to Big Bang concert. Genie and I was laughing and enjoying together when watching the boys dance together. Genie commented how it's good that some things never change. After what she said, I hope that can happen with my friends too.
Genie was talking in korean for few times, then I asked her, "You can speak in Korean?" "Yeah I'm korean." I was shocked because she didn't look like one. And she so herself too. SS also informed her that I was korean too and she was surprised too. Because we both don't look like koreans. Throughout the whole day, we both spoke in english and korean. It was nice speaking to someone like this. ^^ I felt comfortable, and closer with Genie. Everyone was nice too. Because Genie and I was the only girls in our group, I pretty much stayed with her most of the time.
There was also a dance floor, and I saw Charlie being very excited for it. Since Charlie wants to dance on the dance floor, all the other boys joined him. Except Michael. I persuaded Michael to join them, otherwise he'll be missing out. It was a success since he did end up dancing with them. I recorded them dancing. ^^ It was very funny. I'm glad that everyone was having fun.
Soon, another friend of SS was joining us, but we had to wait awhile for her. Genie and I went to the bathroom, and when we came back, we saw SS's friend called Eva. When Eva turned around, she saw me and we both greeted each other. I saw Richard calling for SS to come over, and he did but he did not introduce me as his girlfriend. We walked around Comic Con with Eva this time, and soon, once we had the chance to talk to each other alone, she asked me if I was a friend with anyone, or a work colleague. I answered, "SS's girlfriend". "Sorry?" "SS's girlfriend". I felt embarrassed for saying that, but I said it. She responded, "Oh really?! Why didn't he tell me??" She was mad that he didn't introduce me as his girlfriend and was mad at him. I did expected people to ask me about our relationships, but when I first met the boys, they didn't at all. It wasn't as I expected but then I thought, when I first met Richard at SMASH, he didn't ask me any questions about our relationships. Hmm so it must be normal, or they're just boys. But Eva asked me lots of questions about us. For example: who asked out who first? How long have we been together? How did we meet?
Eva was a very open person. ^^ And that's what I like about her. Both the girls were bullying SS, and I felt bad and sorry for him. Eva was mad at SS and asked for a proper introduction. Richard commented how he warned SS, but he didn't listen. I apologised to SS since they were bullying him. TT^TT
After we finished looking around at Comic Con, we caught the ferry back to Darling Harbourside. We had lunch at the food court, and everyone was catching up and just conversing with each other. I did talk with Charlie and Michael few times. But I didn't have the chance to speak with Kevin. Charlie is a bright, energetic guy. I really do like him. Michael is amazingly hilarious. He talks about anything random, and his responses are just hilarious. I had fun listening to SS's conversations.
After lunch, we were walking to this karaoke called Big Echo. On our way, Genie asked me in korean, "How far did you guys go huh?~~~ You guys are holding hands and being cute and stuff. Huh?~~~" I tried to run away from her, but she grabbed me and pulled me back to her. "What's wrong? Huh?~~~" I looked back and shouted at SS. "SS, help me!!" He replied, "Sorry I can't help you." "Noooo~~~~" Genie then wickedly said, "You're mine!!!" ^^
We were at karaoke and sang for two hours. I did wanted to hear SS's singing more. SS likes singing in Japanese but he knows that one of his friend doesn't like hearing Japanese songs. All the songs that they were singing, were the sings I never heard of them before. They were pretty fairly old songs but I did know few of them. SS did tell me to sing more but I wanted his friends to sing more, because I have many chances to sing at karaoke with anyone at any time. But his friends all have work and they're all busy, and they have different schedules, and they don't meet often. This is a first time in a long time for them to have fun like this, so I wanted them to have fun and make the most out of it. Plus, I was shy to sing in front of them. But I did sing few times, so all good.
After Karaoke, we went to this Ramen Burger restaurant for dinner and met other friends, called Wenjing and Callon. They also brought their baby son called Lui. Genie couldn't join us for dinner so she left earlier. We said goodbyes, and I do hope I could meet her again. Eva, SS and I went to Winjing and Callon, and this time, Eva was watching SS introducing me as his girlfriend to them. Eva said well done~~. She was mad, and told Wenjing how SS didn't properly introduce me to her. It was funny. We had dinner, and I was sitting between SS and Kevin. This time I had the chance to talk to him and we talked for quite a few while. I'm glad that I get to talk to everyone. ^^ We had many people in our group. The left side of table had Wenjing, Callon, and their baby, and Eva. While the other right end of table had me, SS, Kevin, Richard, and Charlie. Michael was sitting in the middle so he talked to different people. There was this time where Richard was carrying the baby, and was taking care of the baby. Richard is such a nice guy. he's gonna be a great father someday. He's a really nice, great, family guy. I admired how Richard was playing with the baby. I didn't want to hold or touch the baby, because I'm scared I might Lui cry, or that I might drop him. Babies must be handled very carefully!!! Throughout the diiner, I'm glad that I get to hang out with SS's friends.
After dinner, we were planning to go to this dessert place in Korea Town. When we were standing outside of the restaurant, Eva stated to SS of how he didn't tell his friends that he has a girlfriend, and why he kept it as a secret. Wenjing joined in, "Yeah, stop hogging her yourself!" Today, all the girls were bullying.... They did tell me that they were gonna break him and teach him a lesson. Oh myyy..... What have I done to him!!! I did apologise to SS but he said it was alright, and he did expected it. Phew.
We went to the dessert place and all shared desserts. Eva then started asking many questions about me. Since we were talking, everyone else was listening to our conversation. She said she's been holding herself back and wants to ask more questions about our relationships. She did tell me that she wants to everything about us. I need to be careful around Eva. lollll. We chatted with everyone for a while.
After dessert was finished, and because it was getting late, SS informed everyone that we both had to go very soon. I gave the girls a goodbye hug, and gave all the boys, even the baby Lui a highfive. Someone did suggest me to hug Charlie, but because I was still getting use to their names, I asked, "Who's Charlie?" Everyone started laughing and I think hurt Charlie's feelings.... I'M SO SORRY CHARLIE! We exchanged goodbyes and SS and I both headed home.
When we got to Central, we headed to the Bristo cafe, and I met his friends called Charlie, Kevin and Michael. I already met Richard before at SMASH. I was so nervous and I tried to speaking to them but... I didn't know what they were saying... They were talking about programs, technologies, codes... But I've listened to them eagerly. We chat for a while, had little breakfast, and went out to the bus stop to catch the shuttle bus.
When we were on our way to the bus stop, I met another one of SS's friend called Genie. We both introduced ourselves, and caught the bus together. We got off at Comic Con and I was so excited once we were inside the building. SS told me to take it easy, but Richard said to let her unleash her excitement since she didn't the whole night. >< We looked around the artworks, the action figures, the comic books, the superhero weapons, T-shirts, games, and etc. I saw lots of cosplayers at this event as well. I was amazed. At SMASH I was too shy to ask the cosplayers if I could take a photo with them, but this time, I built up my courage to ask people. SS and Richard help to take photos of me and some of the cosplayers. ^^ There was SBS Pop Asia, and all of the guys were dancing to Gangnam Style for 15 seconds. If anyone participates to dance, they could win free tickets to Big Bang concert. Genie and I was laughing and enjoying together when watching the boys dance together. Genie commented how it's good that some things never change. After what she said, I hope that can happen with my friends too.
Genie was talking in korean for few times, then I asked her, "You can speak in Korean?" "Yeah I'm korean." I was shocked because she didn't look like one. And she so herself too. SS also informed her that I was korean too and she was surprised too. Because we both don't look like koreans. Throughout the whole day, we both spoke in english and korean. It was nice speaking to someone like this. ^^ I felt comfortable, and closer with Genie. Everyone was nice too. Because Genie and I was the only girls in our group, I pretty much stayed with her most of the time.
There was also a dance floor, and I saw Charlie being very excited for it. Since Charlie wants to dance on the dance floor, all the other boys joined him. Except Michael. I persuaded Michael to join them, otherwise he'll be missing out. It was a success since he did end up dancing with them. I recorded them dancing. ^^ It was very funny. I'm glad that everyone was having fun.
Soon, another friend of SS was joining us, but we had to wait awhile for her. Genie and I went to the bathroom, and when we came back, we saw SS's friend called Eva. When Eva turned around, she saw me and we both greeted each other. I saw Richard calling for SS to come over, and he did but he did not introduce me as his girlfriend. We walked around Comic Con with Eva this time, and soon, once we had the chance to talk to each other alone, she asked me if I was a friend with anyone, or a work colleague. I answered, "SS's girlfriend". "Sorry?" "SS's girlfriend". I felt embarrassed for saying that, but I said it. She responded, "Oh really?! Why didn't he tell me??" She was mad that he didn't introduce me as his girlfriend and was mad at him. I did expected people to ask me about our relationships, but when I first met the boys, they didn't at all. It wasn't as I expected but then I thought, when I first met Richard at SMASH, he didn't ask me any questions about our relationships. Hmm so it must be normal, or they're just boys. But Eva asked me lots of questions about us. For example: who asked out who first? How long have we been together? How did we meet?
Eva was a very open person. ^^ And that's what I like about her. Both the girls were bullying SS, and I felt bad and sorry for him. Eva was mad at SS and asked for a proper introduction. Richard commented how he warned SS, but he didn't listen. I apologised to SS since they were bullying him. TT^TT
After we finished looking around at Comic Con, we caught the ferry back to Darling Harbourside. We had lunch at the food court, and everyone was catching up and just conversing with each other. I did talk with Charlie and Michael few times. But I didn't have the chance to speak with Kevin. Charlie is a bright, energetic guy. I really do like him. Michael is amazingly hilarious. He talks about anything random, and his responses are just hilarious. I had fun listening to SS's conversations.
After lunch, we were walking to this karaoke called Big Echo. On our way, Genie asked me in korean, "How far did you guys go huh?~~~ You guys are holding hands and being cute and stuff. Huh?~~~" I tried to run away from her, but she grabbed me and pulled me back to her. "What's wrong? Huh?~~~" I looked back and shouted at SS. "SS, help me!!" He replied, "Sorry I can't help you." "Noooo~~~~" Genie then wickedly said, "You're mine!!!" ^^
We were at karaoke and sang for two hours. I did wanted to hear SS's singing more. SS likes singing in Japanese but he knows that one of his friend doesn't like hearing Japanese songs. All the songs that they were singing, were the sings I never heard of them before. They were pretty fairly old songs but I did know few of them. SS did tell me to sing more but I wanted his friends to sing more, because I have many chances to sing at karaoke with anyone at any time. But his friends all have work and they're all busy, and they have different schedules, and they don't meet often. This is a first time in a long time for them to have fun like this, so I wanted them to have fun and make the most out of it. Plus, I was shy to sing in front of them. But I did sing few times, so all good.
After Karaoke, we went to this Ramen Burger restaurant for dinner and met other friends, called Wenjing and Callon. They also brought their baby son called Lui. Genie couldn't join us for dinner so she left earlier. We said goodbyes, and I do hope I could meet her again. Eva, SS and I went to Winjing and Callon, and this time, Eva was watching SS introducing me as his girlfriend to them. Eva said well done~~. She was mad, and told Wenjing how SS didn't properly introduce me to her. It was funny. We had dinner, and I was sitting between SS and Kevin. This time I had the chance to talk to him and we talked for quite a few while. I'm glad that I get to talk to everyone. ^^ We had many people in our group. The left side of table had Wenjing, Callon, and their baby, and Eva. While the other right end of table had me, SS, Kevin, Richard, and Charlie. Michael was sitting in the middle so he talked to different people. There was this time where Richard was carrying the baby, and was taking care of the baby. Richard is such a nice guy. he's gonna be a great father someday. He's a really nice, great, family guy. I admired how Richard was playing with the baby. I didn't want to hold or touch the baby, because I'm scared I might Lui cry, or that I might drop him. Babies must be handled very carefully!!! Throughout the diiner, I'm glad that I get to hang out with SS's friends.
After dinner, we were planning to go to this dessert place in Korea Town. When we were standing outside of the restaurant, Eva stated to SS of how he didn't tell his friends that he has a girlfriend, and why he kept it as a secret. Wenjing joined in, "Yeah, stop hogging her yourself!" Today, all the girls were bullying.... They did tell me that they were gonna break him and teach him a lesson. Oh myyy..... What have I done to him!!! I did apologise to SS but he said it was alright, and he did expected it. Phew.
We went to the dessert place and all shared desserts. Eva then started asking many questions about me. Since we were talking, everyone else was listening to our conversation. She said she's been holding herself back and wants to ask more questions about our relationships. She did tell me that she wants to everything about us. I need to be careful around Eva. lollll. We chatted with everyone for a while.
After dessert was finished, and because it was getting late, SS informed everyone that we both had to go very soon. I gave the girls a goodbye hug, and gave all the boys, even the baby Lui a highfive. Someone did suggest me to hug Charlie, but because I was still getting use to their names, I asked, "Who's Charlie?" Everyone started laughing and I think hurt Charlie's feelings.... I'M SO SORRY CHARLIE! We exchanged goodbyes and SS and I both headed home.
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
62. Happy Birthday
Today, was my special someone's birthday. ^^ I met up with him at the train platform and planned to go bike riding. Before we were going to our destination, I walked past this restaurant where my friend was working at, and I saw her. She saw me and we both met up. It was nice seeing her after the last time I saw her, which was long time ago. I missed her.
We walked to the Bicentennial Park and hired our bikes. We biked for an hour, and after that I wanted to chill near the fountains, where there is the 'twins tower'. I wanted to chill there because that is the place where we had our first kiss... But he asked if I wanted to come over to his place after this. His mum made me some buns and I wasn't expecting to go to his place. But it seemed that he wanted to come over, and since it's his birthday, I will do whatever that makes him happy.
We walked back to the station, but before that I said bye to my friend again, and went to the Cold Rock. I ordered ice cream cake, with the help of my friend ^^, and walked back to the station to go to his house.
I was chilling with his family and had dinner with them. The dinner was so good and I had pig tail and pig intestine for the first time. It tasted fine, like any other normal meat. Throughout the whole meal, I was laughing my head off, which eventually I dropped my chopsticks on the floor... I was laughing so much that when I tried to pick my food up with my chopsticks, I keep dropping them. The whole family was laughing at me... >< After dinner, SS's mother wanted to take pictures of all of us. It was embarrassing but I took pictures with them. I talked more with the little brother this time, and he showed me different videos he watched on youtube in his room. SS came in later, and and was playing his phone game while chilling with us.
I realised that it was already 9pm, and that I had to go back home soon. I said goodbye to everyone, and SS walked me back to the station. ^^ There was this moment, where I kissed him on the cheek, and he stared back at me for few seconds. We didn't say anything during those few seconds, but just stared at each other. Then he said, "Thank you". @^^@ I told him he didn't have to say thank you. But then he said, "Thank you for stepping on my foot too". I was trying to reach for his cheek, then my foot accidentally stepped on his... I didn't mean to... ><
I hope he was happy... especially on his birthday... I wish to him to be happy forever... His happiness means so much to me. Because that's how much I love him ^^.
We walked to the Bicentennial Park and hired our bikes. We biked for an hour, and after that I wanted to chill near the fountains, where there is the 'twins tower'. I wanted to chill there because that is the place where we had our first kiss... But he asked if I wanted to come over to his place after this. His mum made me some buns and I wasn't expecting to go to his place. But it seemed that he wanted to come over, and since it's his birthday, I will do whatever that makes him happy.
We walked back to the station, but before that I said bye to my friend again, and went to the Cold Rock. I ordered ice cream cake, with the help of my friend ^^, and walked back to the station to go to his house.
I was chilling with his family and had dinner with them. The dinner was so good and I had pig tail and pig intestine for the first time. It tasted fine, like any other normal meat. Throughout the whole meal, I was laughing my head off, which eventually I dropped my chopsticks on the floor... I was laughing so much that when I tried to pick my food up with my chopsticks, I keep dropping them. The whole family was laughing at me... >< After dinner, SS's mother wanted to take pictures of all of us. It was embarrassing but I took pictures with them. I talked more with the little brother this time, and he showed me different videos he watched on youtube in his room. SS came in later, and and was playing his phone game while chilling with us.
I realised that it was already 9pm, and that I had to go back home soon. I said goodbye to everyone, and SS walked me back to the station. ^^ There was this moment, where I kissed him on the cheek, and he stared back at me for few seconds. We didn't say anything during those few seconds, but just stared at each other. Then he said, "Thank you". @^^@ I told him he didn't have to say thank you. But then he said, "Thank you for stepping on my foot too". I was trying to reach for his cheek, then my foot accidentally stepped on his... I didn't mean to... ><
I hope he was happy... especially on his birthday... I wish to him to be happy forever... His happiness means so much to me. Because that's how much I love him ^^.
Saturday, 12 September 2015
61. Family Dinner 2
Today I was having another family dinner with my special someone. His father wanted to celebrate SS's birthday by having a dinner outside. It was going to be with his father, and his partner, and SS's grandma. Since I was meeting his grandma for the first time, I thought about buying a gift, which I asked my mum for advice. I suggested flower and she liked that idea. Bought a bouquet of roses for $15, because it was the only liveliest flower in the store. Other flowers were too expensive and not worth it. It was embarrassing to walk around with a bouquet because people stare at you.... But yeah, I met up with my special someone after that. My SS's mum told him that his father's partner bought a gift and that we needed to buy a gift too. So we went to woolies and bought a flower there. I wanted to pay equally with SS but he said since I already bought the bouquet that I don't need to, but I felt bad so I put $5 in his pocket. And he told me that I didn't need to but I resisted and then he was mad at me... 😥😥😥 I saw him being mad and I didn't like it... But I respected his decision so I took my $5. But we were all cool after that, I didn't take it seriously. So we have two flowers for the grandma and 'The Lady'.
His father picked us up and I saw his partner for the first time. I greeted her and gave her the flower. She thanked me and gave SS and I some gifts. His father dropped us off and left to pick up SS's grandma and aunty. I was surprised that I was gonna meet his whole family, THE WHOLE FAMILY. I was nervous meeting the grandma but surprisngly, I was gonna meet his aunty too. I was nerrrrvous but was excited at the same time. SS and I walked to this chinese/western restaurant and waited for the whole family to show up. Then I saw 'The Lady' sitting down onto our table. I stood up and turned around to see the aunty welcoming me. "Thank you for the flowers". ??? Ohh she must be talking about grandma's flower. "Ohh no it's ok". I saw grandma behind the aunty and I gave her a handshake. Lolllll. You don't give handshakes to her since she doesn't follow the western's greetings but since I always give handshakes to people I first meet... it couldn't be helped. It's a habit...
Everyone took their seats and throughout the whole meal, I've been conversing with the father and 'The Lady'. He was talking about Korea, korean foods, fashion and the languages. I was sooo nervous and I tried to talk to him as much as I could but I didn't.... He was the one who asked me lots of questions. I'm glad that he was curious about me and talking with me. Everyone else was speaking in chinese and SS did translate them to me. Whenever I stare at the aunty, she would give me this smiley look.... I think it's a good thing... Meh~
Also, when the foods came out, we had oysters for our entree..... Oysters...... oysters...... The one and only food that I cannot take........ I was shocked when the entree came out because I knew I couldn't handle oysters but I didn't want to seem picky in front of SS's family. When it did came out, the father said to eat it but before I could even say anything, SS spoke out for me. He said something in chinese that I don't understand but I knew what he meant. My special someone knew that I hate oysters and thank god he knew. I told the father that, "I can eat anything and everything except oysters". And he was laughing at this. He told me to try and I did. I chose an oyster shell that had bacon in it, and thank god the bacon was overpowering the oyster itself. My special someone did tell me that you can try it but if you can't take it just spit it out. I shallowed the thing and did not try another.
I was so full after the main course but the father asked me to choose a dessert. I personally do not like eating dessert because they're sweet and I do not like eating sweet things except ice creams, and candies and lollies. I did told him that I was full but he insisted. I ordered vanilla ice cream and he seemed to like my choice because he said he likes vanilla flavoured ice cream. He likes ice cream that is smooth and not heavy. I also informed that SS likes vanilla ice cream as well and he asked, "really?". Yep. ^^
After the dinner, I bid farewell to everyone. The aunty once again thanked me for the flower and I said it was alright. The flowers weren't anything... But she seemed happy about the flowers. I brushed it off and said goodbye to the grandma. I held her hand and said goodbye. ^^ Since the car can only fit in 5 people and there are 6 of us, SS and I walked back home. We said goodbye and walked home together. He told me how 'The Lady' gave her bouquet to the aunty instead. That's why the aunty thought I gave her the flowers instead and she liked me already. I laughed my head off because I never knew why the aunty kept thanking me. And my special someone knew the reason and was secretly enjoying the situation the whole time. The reason why 'The Lady' gave away the flowers to the aunty because was so that the aunty could like me, and SS believed that 'The Lady' didn't like flowers. So either way, it was a Win-Win situation. Everyone is all happy. ^^
I'm glad that I met his family... Really... I'm glad....
Saturday, 5 September 2015
60. Family Dinner
Today was a busy day. I was volunteering for this 46th Japanese Language Contest held at Macqaurie Uni. 6 different unis participated for this contest, and my classmates and I volunteered to help out only. We didn't know what roles we were assigned to do but we heard that we'll be getting a certificate. So YEAH! Volunteers were suppose to meet at 8:30 in the morning but I got there at 12.... Yep.... I slept in, and it took me 2 hours to get there......
Throughout this whole contest, my role was to wear kimono and being taken photos of. I didn't like cameras pointing at me and taking shots of me.... But it couldn't be helped. That is all I did for this contest. I met people from my uni and became acquainted with them. I also met other people from different unis but that was about it. In the end, I got my certificate, and our teachers wanted us (the people from uws [although it's not called UWS anymore, but WSU]) to get together and take photos. It was funny. ^^
After I left Macqaurie Uni, I headed to Max Brenner at a nearby shopping centre. I bought chocolates for my dad's father's day present. And also bought other chocolates for my special someone's family. Tonight, I was having a hotpot with his family. I was really surprised and honoured with the invitation last night, but since his mum invited me, I thought it was a good sign for me to meet his family and have dinner together. I was soooo nervous when walking to his house..... I was nervous before I pressed that button to open the security door at his unit. I was overthinking and being so nervous of meeting his mother.
I thought, 'What if she doesn't like me? Because I'm not chinese but korean. Because I'm too young?? Because I'm not pretty? Or smart? Or NICE?!!!!!!! WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME???!!!! WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD FOR HIM???'
This was in my head and I kept thinking too much... kept thinking negatively so that I prepared myself for the worse.
But this thought was gone when I did met her. I entered his house and saw his mum.
"Hello~"
"Hi! How are you?"
"How are you? I'm good"
"Yeah I'm good"
After that, I gave her a present and she mentioned how I didn't have to give her anything. But I insisted and she said thank you. She was a bubbly person. So full of happy energy. Such a bright, energetic mum! She was smiling and was making myself feel at home. I felt so welcomed......... I never expected this from her.
I greeted his step dad, and his little brother was too busy playing games so I didn't want to interrupt him, and didn't say hi to him. I was chilling at his room and was talking to my special someone, until his mum came in and asked me if I wanted tea or anything. I said it was alright but she started talking my special someone in chinese. In the end, she said she'll make me tea. >///< She brought a tray with sweets, snacks and hot jasmine tea. She was very thoughtful.
I asked my special someone, that his mum is such a great mum. Such a great person. But he said, she's not like that when she's mad. But I replied, "Of course! All mums are not like that when they're mad. It's normal." I did asked him at some point if his mum was strict, and he asked in what ways. I answered, "In anything. Just generally." He said not really, unless she's mad. It was understandable.
When we were having hotpot, his mum was being so kind to me. She didn't want me to help her anything, she just wanted me to feel comfortable, and relaxed. I felt bad that she was doing all these work. But I decided to be obedient. I was conversing with his mum the whole time. I had fun talking with her. She was so nice. The Tv was turned on so sometimes during the middle of eating, I would watch the tv, but the tv was behind his little brother. So whenever I try to watch the tv, his little brother would always stare at me. So I gave up watching the tv because his little brother would keep staring at me. There were so much good foods, and I was full. There was still much foods left but I couldn't keep going. Even my special someone was full.
We went back to my special someone's room and continued watching anime. Later, his dad came home to drop me off. I met his dad, and shook his hand, and greeted myself. This time I mentioned my name, because during the middle when we were eating hot pot, his mum asked my special someone for my name. I forgot to introduce myself with my name. SO this time, I said my name to his dad. I gave him a father's day gift which was a chocolate. He was happy~ He asked special someone for his present but my special someone protested. ^^
In the end, I said goodbye to the family and gave the mum a hug. She was so small and warm. Such a loveable person. She said I could come and visit every week, and that I was her favourite. When she commented how I was her favourite, it got me thinking... 'Did he brought other girl home before?? And they weren't her favourite??'. But I discontinued that thought, because I didn't want to think too deep.
We got into the car, and his father was dropping me off home. He was listening to his favourite chinese song, but change the CD into english. The first track was 'Gentleman' by Psy. I laughed when I heard this song because it's a korean song not english. Then my special someone and I sang along with this song. Then we listened to other song. It only took 20minutes to get from his place to mine. I bid farewell to my special someone and his dad. In the end, I had a great day. ^^
Throughout this whole contest, my role was to wear kimono and being taken photos of. I didn't like cameras pointing at me and taking shots of me.... But it couldn't be helped. That is all I did for this contest. I met people from my uni and became acquainted with them. I also met other people from different unis but that was about it. In the end, I got my certificate, and our teachers wanted us (the people from uws [although it's not called UWS anymore, but WSU]) to get together and take photos. It was funny. ^^
After I left Macqaurie Uni, I headed to Max Brenner at a nearby shopping centre. I bought chocolates for my dad's father's day present. And also bought other chocolates for my special someone's family. Tonight, I was having a hotpot with his family. I was really surprised and honoured with the invitation last night, but since his mum invited me, I thought it was a good sign for me to meet his family and have dinner together. I was soooo nervous when walking to his house..... I was nervous before I pressed that button to open the security door at his unit. I was overthinking and being so nervous of meeting his mother.
I thought, 'What if she doesn't like me? Because I'm not chinese but korean. Because I'm too young?? Because I'm not pretty? Or smart? Or NICE?!!!!!!! WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME???!!!! WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD FOR HIM???'
This was in my head and I kept thinking too much... kept thinking negatively so that I prepared myself for the worse.
But this thought was gone when I did met her. I entered his house and saw his mum.
"Hello~"
"Hi! How are you?"
"How are you? I'm good"
"Yeah I'm good"
After that, I gave her a present and she mentioned how I didn't have to give her anything. But I insisted and she said thank you. She was a bubbly person. So full of happy energy. Such a bright, energetic mum! She was smiling and was making myself feel at home. I felt so welcomed......... I never expected this from her.
I greeted his step dad, and his little brother was too busy playing games so I didn't want to interrupt him, and didn't say hi to him. I was chilling at his room and was talking to my special someone, until his mum came in and asked me if I wanted tea or anything. I said it was alright but she started talking my special someone in chinese. In the end, she said she'll make me tea. >///< She brought a tray with sweets, snacks and hot jasmine tea. She was very thoughtful.
I asked my special someone, that his mum is such a great mum. Such a great person. But he said, she's not like that when she's mad. But I replied, "Of course! All mums are not like that when they're mad. It's normal." I did asked him at some point if his mum was strict, and he asked in what ways. I answered, "In anything. Just generally." He said not really, unless she's mad. It was understandable.
When we were having hotpot, his mum was being so kind to me. She didn't want me to help her anything, she just wanted me to feel comfortable, and relaxed. I felt bad that she was doing all these work. But I decided to be obedient. I was conversing with his mum the whole time. I had fun talking with her. She was so nice. The Tv was turned on so sometimes during the middle of eating, I would watch the tv, but the tv was behind his little brother. So whenever I try to watch the tv, his little brother would always stare at me. So I gave up watching the tv because his little brother would keep staring at me. There were so much good foods, and I was full. There was still much foods left but I couldn't keep going. Even my special someone was full.
We went back to my special someone's room and continued watching anime. Later, his dad came home to drop me off. I met his dad, and shook his hand, and greeted myself. This time I mentioned my name, because during the middle when we were eating hot pot, his mum asked my special someone for my name. I forgot to introduce myself with my name. SO this time, I said my name to his dad. I gave him a father's day gift which was a chocolate. He was happy~ He asked special someone for his present but my special someone protested. ^^
In the end, I said goodbye to the family and gave the mum a hug. She was so small and warm. Such a loveable person. She said I could come and visit every week, and that I was her favourite. When she commented how I was her favourite, it got me thinking... 'Did he brought other girl home before?? And they weren't her favourite??'. But I discontinued that thought, because I didn't want to think too deep.
We got into the car, and his father was dropping me off home. He was listening to his favourite chinese song, but change the CD into english. The first track was 'Gentleman' by Psy. I laughed when I heard this song because it's a korean song not english. Then my special someone and I sang along with this song. Then we listened to other song. It only took 20minutes to get from his place to mine. I bid farewell to my special someone and his dad. In the end, I had a great day. ^^
Saturday, 29 August 2015
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
58. Sick of it...
I thought I could handle it well but... it's getting to me... More works are piling up... I didn't care about HSC and didn't put much effort into it. But with uni... it's different...
Why am I trying so hard? Harder than HSC? Because it's uni... Because I don't wanna fail and repeat any units... Because I'm not confident...
I am not confident with myself. I am not confident. Confidence...
I try to be confident but it's always getting to me. I lose my cool, and get nervous all the time. I always get NERVOUS!!!
Got my results back today, and wasn't happy with it... My god... I'm going back to the old me where I get upset with my marks and omgggg... I hate that feeling..... I hate it now....
I'm sick of it, I'm sick of everything. I'm tired of studying when I don't get good marks. I'm sick of studying, when other people don't have to study and knows everything. It's getting to me where I am starting to stress.......
My teacher talked to me individually today... about my presentation and mark. I also talked to her about dropping this japanese unit because it's getting harder and I don't understand anything anymore. She was shocked, and didn't want me to drop. She said I improved a lot from last semester and I'm gradually getting better. But I told her, it was too hard.... Two people already dropped this unit and my friends are also considering dropping this unit too. I feel that if people are gonna drop, then I'm gonna perform poorly with others.... I talked with sensei a lot.... In the end, I decided not to drop this unit because I have to DO it. I have to complete 80 credit points for my major and this unit is only worth 10 credit points. If I drop this, then it'll be harder next semester If I study Japanese.
Sighhh....... I need to calm down.... and take it easy..... I have to control this.....
Why am I trying so hard? Harder than HSC? Because it's uni... Because I don't wanna fail and repeat any units... Because I'm not confident...
I am not confident with myself. I am not confident. Confidence...
I try to be confident but it's always getting to me. I lose my cool, and get nervous all the time. I always get NERVOUS!!!
Got my results back today, and wasn't happy with it... My god... I'm going back to the old me where I get upset with my marks and omgggg... I hate that feeling..... I hate it now....
I'm sick of it, I'm sick of everything. I'm tired of studying when I don't get good marks. I'm sick of studying, when other people don't have to study and knows everything. It's getting to me where I am starting to stress.......
My teacher talked to me individually today... about my presentation and mark. I also talked to her about dropping this japanese unit because it's getting harder and I don't understand anything anymore. She was shocked, and didn't want me to drop. She said I improved a lot from last semester and I'm gradually getting better. But I told her, it was too hard.... Two people already dropped this unit and my friends are also considering dropping this unit too. I feel that if people are gonna drop, then I'm gonna perform poorly with others.... I talked with sensei a lot.... In the end, I decided not to drop this unit because I have to DO it. I have to complete 80 credit points for my major and this unit is only worth 10 credit points. If I drop this, then it'll be harder next semester If I study Japanese.
Sighhh....... I need to calm down.... and take it easy..... I have to control this.....
Sunday, 23 August 2015
57. Excited for Spring
I've never been this excited for Spring to come. Never did I wanted a particular season to come already. But now I do. I want Spring to come quickly. 8 more days till to Spring. Spring is coming...
Friday, 21 August 2015
56. Uni life?
Socially: I met lots of people and made great friends. This semester I didn't make new friends, but I met lots of new, funny, people.
Academically: Yeah..... I'm trying my best to get full marks with all of my quizzes in every units because my essay writing is not good. Well I'm not confident with it. There's so much work this semester. A lot more than last semester. There's so much quizzes this semester, but less essays for two of my units. However, there's lots of project assignments for both of my jap units. So much projects, presentations, and reports, and tests......
I'm trying my best this semester because I want my life to be balanced. I'm trying to manage with my studies, special someone and my families. My friends are also busy with uni and some of them have part time jobs. I miss my friends. Even though we don't contact each other, it doesn't mean our friendship is cut off. We are just busy and need to get things out of the way. Once we all have the chance to have free time, we'll definitely meet up for sure!
How's uni life?
Good, I should say because I enjoy learning Japanese and I have my friends with me. Even though there's lots of work, it's fun because you have your friends to help you. In the end, I'm glad I went to UWS.
Academically: Yeah..... I'm trying my best to get full marks with all of my quizzes in every units because my essay writing is not good. Well I'm not confident with it. There's so much work this semester. A lot more than last semester. There's so much quizzes this semester, but less essays for two of my units. However, there's lots of project assignments for both of my jap units. So much projects, presentations, and reports, and tests......
I'm trying my best this semester because I want my life to be balanced. I'm trying to manage with my studies, special someone and my families. My friends are also busy with uni and some of them have part time jobs. I miss my friends. Even though we don't contact each other, it doesn't mean our friendship is cut off. We are just busy and need to get things out of the way. Once we all have the chance to have free time, we'll definitely meet up for sure!
How's uni life?
Good, I should say because I enjoy learning Japanese and I have my friends with me. Even though there's lots of work, it's fun because you have your friends to help you. In the end, I'm glad I went to UWS.
Saturday, 15 August 2015
55. Mad
I am mad right now. I am very mad that I cannot try to understand anything at the moment.
Ever since my mum came back, she's been nagging about me and partner. She says these rude and bad comments about my partner and it really hurts me. It hurts me because my partner has done nothing wrong. She dislikes him. For no valid reason.
She says these comments and it hurts me.... a lot...... I hate it..... My partner is a very good guy and she say these bad things about him.... it hurts me.......
Now I am sad........
I told my special someone about it and he thought it was best for me to go home early so that I could make a good impression towards my mum, but no.... my mum still dislikes him..... I don't understand.
My special someone told me not to argue against my mum and never break ties with my family. He would understand why my parents would be so worried about me because I'm their only daughter and I'm dating for the first time... My partner is an understanding guy.... I remember the time where I lied to my dad that I was meeting with a friend, and I told him about it, and he scolded me.... He didn't want me to lie to my family.... He's a good guy..... I'm just not a good girl..........
Sigh.....
I remember when my mum was supportive and told me to hurry up and date him already but now that I am, she completely changed her whole perspective of him. She dislikes him now.
It hurts and it hurts so bad...... I feel that if something ever does happen between my special someone and I, it will because of my family.
My special someone told me that my parents don't know anything about him, and that they never met him before so of course they would be worried.... we agreed that soon, soon in the future that he will meet my parents and just give it time.
It sucks.......
Is there something wrong to love a person? It's sad there are people in this world where they can't love someone they love, or marry someone they love. Whether they love same gender, or people who are older, or younger than them, or have taboo relationships, or have different backgrounds.
*Note: I am calmed down now. It's been half an hour now... I haven't published this post straightaway... I was listening to this song repeatedly called, "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainer and John Legend. This songs kinda relates to me. I'm gonna love my special someone with all my love because who knows... how much we'll have time together... I honestly want him to be my first and last bf ever in my life. There's no one else like him. He is all I want... Now that I am calm... I'm gonna try to reconcile with mum. I wish everything turns out well in the future.*
Ever since my mum came back, she's been nagging about me and partner. She says these rude and bad comments about my partner and it really hurts me. It hurts me because my partner has done nothing wrong. She dislikes him. For no valid reason.
She says these comments and it hurts me.... a lot...... I hate it..... My partner is a very good guy and she say these bad things about him.... it hurts me.......
Now I am sad........
I told my special someone about it and he thought it was best for me to go home early so that I could make a good impression towards my mum, but no.... my mum still dislikes him..... I don't understand.
My special someone told me not to argue against my mum and never break ties with my family. He would understand why my parents would be so worried about me because I'm their only daughter and I'm dating for the first time... My partner is an understanding guy.... I remember the time where I lied to my dad that I was meeting with a friend, and I told him about it, and he scolded me.... He didn't want me to lie to my family.... He's a good guy..... I'm just not a good girl..........
Sigh.....
I remember when my mum was supportive and told me to hurry up and date him already but now that I am, she completely changed her whole perspective of him. She dislikes him now.
It hurts and it hurts so bad...... I feel that if something ever does happen between my special someone and I, it will because of my family.
My special someone told me that my parents don't know anything about him, and that they never met him before so of course they would be worried.... we agreed that soon, soon in the future that he will meet my parents and just give it time.
It sucks.......
Is there something wrong to love a person? It's sad there are people in this world where they can't love someone they love, or marry someone they love. Whether they love same gender, or people who are older, or younger than them, or have taboo relationships, or have different backgrounds.
*Note: I am calmed down now. It's been half an hour now... I haven't published this post straightaway... I was listening to this song repeatedly called, "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainer and John Legend. This songs kinda relates to me. I'm gonna love my special someone with all my love because who knows... how much we'll have time together... I honestly want him to be my first and last bf ever in my life. There's no one else like him. He is all I want... Now that I am calm... I'm gonna try to reconcile with mum. I wish everything turns out well in the future.*
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
54. 💜💚💜💚
I love him. I really do. I trust him. I trust him 100%.
But I always overthink, think about worst things... which is not good at all...
I shouldn't worry too much because I am with a great guy. A very nice and good guy. Who is understanding, kind-hearted and paitent. He can be dense, and hard to read and confusing at times but he's an open person if you're close to him. ^^ He's shy when it comes to relationship. He's not a huggy person. He's not romantic and doesn't say embarrassing (sweet) things often. We only text each other once a day and that's fine~ I love everything about him. I love him for who he is.
Overall, he's a cool guy~ A guy that I love~
I'm in love with him. Whenever I'm with him, he always make me happy. I want to enjoy every moments with him. So I will go with the flow.
It is just me that overthinks too much. I trust him with all my heart. So I will not worry about anything else. He is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. He and I want a long-term relationship. He even said he wanted me to be his first and last girlfriend. I love him and I trust him. So I have nothing to worry about.
But I always overthink, think about worst things... which is not good at all...
I shouldn't worry too much because I am with a great guy. A very nice and good guy. Who is understanding, kind-hearted and paitent. He can be dense, and hard to read and confusing at times but he's an open person if you're close to him. ^^ He's shy when it comes to relationship. He's not a huggy person. He's not romantic and doesn't say embarrassing (sweet) things often. We only text each other once a day and that's fine~ I love everything about him. I love him for who he is.
Overall, he's a cool guy~ A guy that I love~
I'm in love with him. Whenever I'm with him, he always make me happy. I want to enjoy every moments with him. So I will go with the flow.
It is just me that overthinks too much. I trust him with all my heart. So I will not worry about anything else. He is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. He and I want a long-term relationship. He even said he wanted me to be his first and last girlfriend. I love him and I trust him. So I have nothing to worry about.
53. Awkward
I went to SMASH with my special someone on Saturday. On that day, I saw someone I knew...
Today, someone I knew informed me that, that person saw me at SMASH...
"I saw you at SMASH"
"Oh... Did you went to get any signs?!"
"Nah, I just walked around the whole day"
"Did you watch the cosplay competition show?"
"I did see them"
"Aahhh"
I didn't want us to be awkward but it is... I made it awkward... I feel so bad... I wanted us to be friends but we're not. We're just classmates... But its better this way I guess. If I get involved with that person, it'll be just awkward...... It's better if I distance myself from that person...
Today, someone I knew informed me that, that person saw me at SMASH...
"I saw you at SMASH"
"Oh... Did you went to get any signs?!"
"Nah, I just walked around the whole day"
"Did you watch the cosplay competition show?"
"I did see them"
"Aahhh"
I didn't want us to be awkward but it is... I made it awkward... I feel so bad... I wanted us to be friends but we're not. We're just classmates... But its better this way I guess. If I get involved with that person, it'll be just awkward...... It's better if I distance myself from that person...
52. Animal Cruelty
I hate animal cruelty the most. You don't have to love animals, you don't have to like them, and I won't care if you don't like them. But I hate it the most when you harm them!!! Especially MY dogs! I will hate you if you hit MY dogs!!!
Sunday, 9 August 2015
51. SMASH
I got up at 4:20 and started making sushi rolls. My dad sets his alarm at 4:30 and was sleeping downstairs. Because of the noise I was making he woke up and chatted with me for a while.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making kimbap. Daddy do you wanna try?"
*Eats kimbap*
"How is it?!"
"It's delicious but what if 'Special Someone' doesn't like it?"
"... then I'll eat it myself!"
I didn't even tell him that I was going to meet 'Special Someone' but he knows...
After all the preparations, I caught the train at 6:49, and went to Redfern. I was soooo sleepy since I was so excited the night before that I couldn't sleep till 2:30? So I had about 2 hours of sleep... =_= I know I'm crazy. I waited for him at Redfern and I kept yawning non-stop. My eyes were getting teary. I recieved a call from special someone and wanted to know where I was. As I turned my head to the left, I saw him and out of reflexes, I put my arm out and shouted his name. He saw me and I went over to him and hugged him. He was warm and comfortable. I missed him so much.
It was still early in the morning around 7:20? We caught the train and we were both resting up. We later got off at Rosehill and I was already excited. I saw a few cosplayers and he told me that I needed to calm down because there'll be a lot more. We waited in line and special someone's friend was running late because he was at his sister's friend house. We got through the gates and we contacted his friend again. His friend was getting through the gates too so we stood in front of the gate, waiting for him.
I was soooo nervous when meeting him. I was going to meet his friend!!! My special someone pointed out, "Ah there he is". I turned to find him and there he was in front of me. He was getting closer until our distance was met. I introduced myself and shook his hand. Aaaaahhh. I was sooo nervous. His friend informed us that he brought his siblings along. Throughout the whole day, I was going to hang out with my special someone, and his friend, and his siblings. I was talking with Celina (the youngest, and the only female sibling), and I tried to be communicative as possible, but I was shyyyyy and I didn't know what they were talking about since I don't know the animes or mangas.
We waited in line to get into the building for an hour, but we used this time to chat, and check out other cosplayers. I've seen so much cosplayers and I was sooo excited. We also saw two guys closplaying as girls. My special someone and his friend did not enjoy the sight at all. ^^
We got into the building and lined up to get the wristbands for Noriaki Sugiyama signing. However, even though we weren't that far away from the line, they ran out of wristbands. TT^TT If we can't get the wristbands, it meant that we cannot get an autograph from Noriaki Sugiyama (the voice actor of Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto, and Uryu Ishida from Bleach). But we can still see him at the Q&A show later in the afternoon.
We were disappointed since we were almost there getting the wristbands but we couldn't do anything about it. We later went to the arts and craft building, and I saw various accessories, posters of cute chatacters from animes, or movies. We looked around and talked about the anime characters that we knew and so on. We went downstairs to look around the stores that sold different kind of things. Such as animated games, markers, cosplaying clothes, figurines, pillows, mangas, japanese dvds, card games, t-shirts, weapons for cosplay, and etc. I was tempted to buy cards against humanity but I asked myself if it was worth it... In the city, it was $70 but here was $40... But because I only buy what I seem is worth it, I did not buy it. Because you can only play this game with friends not by yourself. So did not wanted to waste my money. We looked around more stuff and went to the gaming section of the building.
And there... I saw someone I knew... I let go of my hand with his and tried to run away but there was no where to run, so I just hide at his left side... and hoped that someone I knew wouldn't see me. My special someone asked me what's wrong but I responded, "Nothing". He knew it wasn't nothing and asked me again. I told him I saw someone and he asked who. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. I couldn't say who I saw because I thought he was going to be mad (or jealous?), and he gave up asking. I thought he was mad at me... Because he focused on other stuff like searching for a place on the map. I felt bad but I didn't wanted to say it. We walked back to where we came from and I saw that person... I saw that person's head facing towards my direction, but looked away quickly. I didn't know if that person saw me and my special someone for sure... It seemed liked it but I am not 100% sure. I just hoped that person didn't see me but who knows.
We walked to the building where there was going to be Q&A show with Noriaki Sugiyama. It was sooooooooo exciting to see my first japanese famous voice actor!!! I saw him and heard him speaking casually in japanese when he was answering alll the questions. His natural voice sounds different compared to his voice acting. He even voice acted on live in front of us. It was unbelievably amazing!!! I was glad we sat at the very front row of the seat since we could see him upclose.
After the show, we walked around outside and saw many different cosplayers. I saw LEVI AND TRAFALGAR LAW!!! AND AOBA, CLEAR, NOIZ, AANG (from avatar), TAIGA, TETSU, AND ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS THAT I KNEW! I saw lots of these cosplayers and thought, "Wow... They're amazing and pretty..."
We met up with the siblings and went outside to eat for lunch. It was so expensive to buys foods from there and so instead we ate at macas instead. It was the longest wait I have ever waited to get my foods at macas because other people from smash thought of our idea as well. I felt clingy or should I say needy to my special someone. We were waiting in line together, and I mouthed his name many times, and he did too. I kept poking his cheeks, and playing with his face by pressing his cheeks together with my fingers when he puffed his face. I was bored and playful. We finally got our foods but his friend already finished his foods. My special someone had to eat his lunch quickly so that we could go to the cosplay show competition earlier.
We walked back to smash and as we walked into the building the seats were already filled up. Luckily we found enough seats for us at the front. The cosplay show went for at least an hour and I had fun watching the skits, and was amazed at some of the cosplayers' costumes. After the show, we went through the building next door and I saw REIKA AND KANAME!!! They are the most famous cosplayers in Japan. I loved seeing Reika because she is popular for cosplaying as guys. She was handsomly pretty, yet manly and feminine. If people told me she was actually a boy then I would have believed them. If people told me she was a girl then I would have believed them. Kaname was handsome but meh... My special someone is better @><@
We looked around the arts and craft building, the stores, and the gaming section but I didn't spend any money. My special someone bought a $20 hiragana and katakana card for his lil bro but nothing for himself. We then went to the karaoke building, and I had fun watching other people singing in japanese but my special someone and his friend wanted to move somewhere else since the girl was singing too loud, and was hurting my special someone's ears. We relaxed ourselves by randomly joining into this panel, since we sat at the back, the boys were catching up, while I was sitting behind them, and secretly snapchatted them. >< My special someone asked me why I was sitting there, so I asked if I should sit next to him and he placed his hand on the seat next to his. I sat next to him and both the boys were playing their own games. I was clingy (or needy) and I kept poking his face. >< I was also teasing him by blowing onto his left ear. He kept dogding it since it was ticklish for him. It was fun teasing him but I wanted more from his response. =_=
It was around 6, so we decided to head home. As we were walking downstairs of the building, I saw a familiar person. It was Jason from my jap class and I called out his name. He turned around and saw me. I gave him a high five and after that, he was going to hug me but I dodged!!! He said, "Aww, no hugs?" My special someone came up to us from behind, and yes they did see each other once so they 'know' each other. They were chatting and so did I. We were walking towards the gate and we bid farewell to Jason and special someone's friend and his sibling. We saw the train at the platform so we ran for it. It was a fun day. I was happy happy happy~~ ^^
I felt that I didn't talk much to his friend but my special someone told me that I'm thinking too much. I wanted to have a good impression to his friend and siblings. I hoped so... >< but I was glad that I met them and I had a great time with them. ^^ They are all nice and funny people.
When we got off at Clyde, I did ask him that if he would get jealous if a guy hugged me and he answered yes. I knew it! That was why I didn't want to hug Jason. Because if I saw a girl hugging my special someone so of course I would be jealous. This is why I won't hug people, when I mean people I mean guys...
Also I asked him another question... "Were you mad at me today?..."
"Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you? I don't remember anything that I have to be mad at you"
I was surprised... so I told him, "You know how I saw someone?" "Oh yeah"
I told him the person I saw and he said he knew it. He knew but he just wanted to hear me say it. He also told me that he wouldn't be mad unless there's a reason. I love him. I love him so much.
It is just me that overthinks too much. I always think about negative, worst things so that I could prepare myself for the worse, or prepare for bad things that might happen in the future.
Sighhhh. But with him. Whenever I'm with him, there's this positive energy around us. He's very understanding, even though he can be dense. He's a 'paitent' man >< He's truly a nice, good guy and I'm glad to have him as my boyfriend. He can be hard to read, and confusing at times but there's nothing to worry about because I trust him and he trusts me. He's shy and I'm shy too so thats why we only text each other once a day and there are times where we don't text each other for a day and that's normal because we're both shy. >< we don't know how to keep the conversation long when texting each other but it's different when we're face to face. We talk for a long time and when there is silence, we enjoy the moment of being together.
I love my special someone for who he is. And he does with me too. We both love each other and that's all that matters.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making kimbap. Daddy do you wanna try?"
*Eats kimbap*
"How is it?!"
"It's delicious but what if 'Special Someone' doesn't like it?"
"... then I'll eat it myself!"
I didn't even tell him that I was going to meet 'Special Someone' but he knows...
After all the preparations, I caught the train at 6:49, and went to Redfern. I was soooo sleepy since I was so excited the night before that I couldn't sleep till 2:30? So I had about 2 hours of sleep... =_= I know I'm crazy. I waited for him at Redfern and I kept yawning non-stop. My eyes were getting teary. I recieved a call from special someone and wanted to know where I was. As I turned my head to the left, I saw him and out of reflexes, I put my arm out and shouted his name. He saw me and I went over to him and hugged him. He was warm and comfortable. I missed him so much.
It was still early in the morning around 7:20? We caught the train and we were both resting up. We later got off at Rosehill and I was already excited. I saw a few cosplayers and he told me that I needed to calm down because there'll be a lot more. We waited in line and special someone's friend was running late because he was at his sister's friend house. We got through the gates and we contacted his friend again. His friend was getting through the gates too so we stood in front of the gate, waiting for him.
I was soooo nervous when meeting him. I was going to meet his friend!!! My special someone pointed out, "Ah there he is". I turned to find him and there he was in front of me. He was getting closer until our distance was met. I introduced myself and shook his hand. Aaaaahhh. I was sooo nervous. His friend informed us that he brought his siblings along. Throughout the whole day, I was going to hang out with my special someone, and his friend, and his siblings. I was talking with Celina (the youngest, and the only female sibling), and I tried to be communicative as possible, but I was shyyyyy and I didn't know what they were talking about since I don't know the animes or mangas.
We waited in line to get into the building for an hour, but we used this time to chat, and check out other cosplayers. I've seen so much cosplayers and I was sooo excited. We also saw two guys closplaying as girls. My special someone and his friend did not enjoy the sight at all. ^^
We got into the building and lined up to get the wristbands for Noriaki Sugiyama signing. However, even though we weren't that far away from the line, they ran out of wristbands. TT^TT If we can't get the wristbands, it meant that we cannot get an autograph from Noriaki Sugiyama (the voice actor of Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto, and Uryu Ishida from Bleach). But we can still see him at the Q&A show later in the afternoon.
We were disappointed since we were almost there getting the wristbands but we couldn't do anything about it. We later went to the arts and craft building, and I saw various accessories, posters of cute chatacters from animes, or movies. We looked around and talked about the anime characters that we knew and so on. We went downstairs to look around the stores that sold different kind of things. Such as animated games, markers, cosplaying clothes, figurines, pillows, mangas, japanese dvds, card games, t-shirts, weapons for cosplay, and etc. I was tempted to buy cards against humanity but I asked myself if it was worth it... In the city, it was $70 but here was $40... But because I only buy what I seem is worth it, I did not buy it. Because you can only play this game with friends not by yourself. So did not wanted to waste my money. We looked around more stuff and went to the gaming section of the building.
And there... I saw someone I knew... I let go of my hand with his and tried to run away but there was no where to run, so I just hide at his left side... and hoped that someone I knew wouldn't see me. My special someone asked me what's wrong but I responded, "Nothing". He knew it wasn't nothing and asked me again. I told him I saw someone and he asked who. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. I couldn't say who I saw because I thought he was going to be mad (or jealous?), and he gave up asking. I thought he was mad at me... Because he focused on other stuff like searching for a place on the map. I felt bad but I didn't wanted to say it. We walked back to where we came from and I saw that person... I saw that person's head facing towards my direction, but looked away quickly. I didn't know if that person saw me and my special someone for sure... It seemed liked it but I am not 100% sure. I just hoped that person didn't see me but who knows.
We walked to the building where there was going to be Q&A show with Noriaki Sugiyama. It was sooooooooo exciting to see my first japanese famous voice actor!!! I saw him and heard him speaking casually in japanese when he was answering alll the questions. His natural voice sounds different compared to his voice acting. He even voice acted on live in front of us. It was unbelievably amazing!!! I was glad we sat at the very front row of the seat since we could see him upclose.
After the show, we walked around outside and saw many different cosplayers. I saw LEVI AND TRAFALGAR LAW!!! AND AOBA, CLEAR, NOIZ, AANG (from avatar), TAIGA, TETSU, AND ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS THAT I KNEW! I saw lots of these cosplayers and thought, "Wow... They're amazing and pretty..."
We met up with the siblings and went outside to eat for lunch. It was so expensive to buys foods from there and so instead we ate at macas instead. It was the longest wait I have ever waited to get my foods at macas because other people from smash thought of our idea as well. I felt clingy or should I say needy to my special someone. We were waiting in line together, and I mouthed his name many times, and he did too. I kept poking his cheeks, and playing with his face by pressing his cheeks together with my fingers when he puffed his face. I was bored and playful. We finally got our foods but his friend already finished his foods. My special someone had to eat his lunch quickly so that we could go to the cosplay show competition earlier.
We walked back to smash and as we walked into the building the seats were already filled up. Luckily we found enough seats for us at the front. The cosplay show went for at least an hour and I had fun watching the skits, and was amazed at some of the cosplayers' costumes. After the show, we went through the building next door and I saw REIKA AND KANAME!!! They are the most famous cosplayers in Japan. I loved seeing Reika because she is popular for cosplaying as guys. She was handsomly pretty, yet manly and feminine. If people told me she was actually a boy then I would have believed them. If people told me she was a girl then I would have believed them. Kaname was handsome but meh... My special someone is better @><@
We looked around the arts and craft building, the stores, and the gaming section but I didn't spend any money. My special someone bought a $20 hiragana and katakana card for his lil bro but nothing for himself. We then went to the karaoke building, and I had fun watching other people singing in japanese but my special someone and his friend wanted to move somewhere else since the girl was singing too loud, and was hurting my special someone's ears. We relaxed ourselves by randomly joining into this panel, since we sat at the back, the boys were catching up, while I was sitting behind them, and secretly snapchatted them. >< My special someone asked me why I was sitting there, so I asked if I should sit next to him and he placed his hand on the seat next to his. I sat next to him and both the boys were playing their own games. I was clingy (or needy) and I kept poking his face. >< I was also teasing him by blowing onto his left ear. He kept dogding it since it was ticklish for him. It was fun teasing him but I wanted more from his response. =_=
It was around 6, so we decided to head home. As we were walking downstairs of the building, I saw a familiar person. It was Jason from my jap class and I called out his name. He turned around and saw me. I gave him a high five and after that, he was going to hug me but I dodged!!! He said, "Aww, no hugs?" My special someone came up to us from behind, and yes they did see each other once so they 'know' each other. They were chatting and so did I. We were walking towards the gate and we bid farewell to Jason and special someone's friend and his sibling. We saw the train at the platform so we ran for it. It was a fun day. I was happy happy happy~~ ^^
I felt that I didn't talk much to his friend but my special someone told me that I'm thinking too much. I wanted to have a good impression to his friend and siblings. I hoped so... >< but I was glad that I met them and I had a great time with them. ^^ They are all nice and funny people.
When we got off at Clyde, I did ask him that if he would get jealous if a guy hugged me and he answered yes. I knew it! That was why I didn't want to hug Jason. Because if I saw a girl hugging my special someone so of course I would be jealous. This is why I won't hug people, when I mean people I mean guys...
Also I asked him another question... "Were you mad at me today?..."
"Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you? I don't remember anything that I have to be mad at you"
I was surprised... so I told him, "You know how I saw someone?" "Oh yeah"
I told him the person I saw and he said he knew it. He knew but he just wanted to hear me say it. He also told me that he wouldn't be mad unless there's a reason. I love him. I love him so much.
It is just me that overthinks too much. I always think about negative, worst things so that I could prepare myself for the worse, or prepare for bad things that might happen in the future.
Sighhhh. But with him. Whenever I'm with him, there's this positive energy around us. He's very understanding, even though he can be dense. He's a 'paitent' man >< He's truly a nice, good guy and I'm glad to have him as my boyfriend. He can be hard to read, and confusing at times but there's nothing to worry about because I trust him and he trusts me. He's shy and I'm shy too so thats why we only text each other once a day and there are times where we don't text each other for a day and that's normal because we're both shy. >< we don't know how to keep the conversation long when texting each other but it's different when we're face to face. We talk for a long time and when there is silence, we enjoy the moment of being together.
I love my special someone for who he is. And he does with me too. We both love each other and that's all that matters.
Saturday, 1 August 2015
50. Double Date
For the first ever in my life, I've experienced my first double date with UWS Yuki and her bf. We were to meet up in the Townhall steps at 12:30, and so I arrived there 9 minutes eariler. A minute later, I saw my special someone walking towards me and as always I gave him a hug. ^^ We sat down at the steps, and was playing a game a on his phone which completely consumes your time. This game is very puzzling and we were just enjoying ourselves. UWS Yuki was rubbing late so we decided to meet her at the restaurant.
We headed towards the korean bbq restaurant called Sydney Madong, and waited for them to come. I read the reviews about this restaurant and everyone was saying how excellent this place was. So I wanted to give this place a try. We met up with UWS Yuki and her bf and ordered our meals. The foods for me was alright, maybe it's because I'm korean and I eat korean foods everyday that the tastes wasn't anything special. However, everyone else loved the foods. I was glad that I recommened this place for them. Because we didn't eat breakfast, except my special someone, we were starving and kept asking the workers to refill our side dishes for free. ^^
Because we were eating korean bbq, I wrapped the pork ribs with lecttuce, and some sauce, and fed it to my special someone. UWS Yuki was smiling and sticked out her tongue. >< My special someone also wrapped the meat with lecttuce, and kimchi because he knows that I love kimchi, and fed it to me. ^^
After the restaurant, we planned to go to karaoke and as we were walking, UWS Yuki started licking her bf's face. She told me to do the same with my special someone and I said no. It's weird to do that. Plus, we were in the public. We went to Echo Point and there's a special deal where you can sing from 12-6pm. It was $10/person + your own drink which you have to pay. We sang for almost 4hours, but after the first two hours, Yuki's bf were sleeping onto Yuki's lap. He must have been tired since he works almost everyday and have late night shifts, and he has to go to work on 7 that day. When we had one hour left to sing, my special someone also wanted to lie down, so he lied down onto my lap. He was cute~~~ he was a like an innocent, fragile baby, when he was sleeping onto my lap. @^^@
As we finished with karaoke, Yuki's bf drove us to Chinatown and had dinner at a Hong Kong Style restaurant. I wasn't hungry at the time but I didn't want to eat anything at home, so I just ate there. I love chinese foods and I had eggplant with rice for the first time. It was bit chillie but it's the chillie that I could handle. We also had lamb hotpot, and as I was eating the lamb, my body was getting warmer. My special someone informed me that lamb makes your body warm, which is why his family have hotpot during winter. It was 7, and Yuki's bf left for work, which left us only the three of us. It was always the three of us from the beginning and I'm glad that I hanged out with these two.
We walked to Darling Harbour, and chilled there for a while. We played at the playground and went onto the ferris wheel. When it was just the three of us, Yuki kept taking photos of us with our phones. I'm glad that we have photos of us two together but it was embarrassing. If it was just the two of us, we never take photos of ourselves. She mentioned how if she was interrupting with my special someone and I. I completely disagreed, saying that I didn't want her to feel as a third wheeler. She didn't and I'm glad. I didn't want her to leave us alone, and I wouldn't ditch her. She was our friend.
It was getting late at this point. It was around late 9 and we decided to head towards the station. As we were saying goodbye to Yuki, I thanked her for the day. It was a fun day, but really... It didn't like a date, but more of a outing. Because how you're with your special someone alone is different when you hang out with other couples. I guess it's because my special someone and I are conscious in front of the public, that's why. ^^ But I had a great day.
We headed towards the korean bbq restaurant called Sydney Madong, and waited for them to come. I read the reviews about this restaurant and everyone was saying how excellent this place was. So I wanted to give this place a try. We met up with UWS Yuki and her bf and ordered our meals. The foods for me was alright, maybe it's because I'm korean and I eat korean foods everyday that the tastes wasn't anything special. However, everyone else loved the foods. I was glad that I recommened this place for them. Because we didn't eat breakfast, except my special someone, we were starving and kept asking the workers to refill our side dishes for free. ^^
Because we were eating korean bbq, I wrapped the pork ribs with lecttuce, and some sauce, and fed it to my special someone. UWS Yuki was smiling and sticked out her tongue. >< My special someone also wrapped the meat with lecttuce, and kimchi because he knows that I love kimchi, and fed it to me. ^^
After the restaurant, we planned to go to karaoke and as we were walking, UWS Yuki started licking her bf's face. She told me to do the same with my special someone and I said no. It's weird to do that. Plus, we were in the public. We went to Echo Point and there's a special deal where you can sing from 12-6pm. It was $10/person + your own drink which you have to pay. We sang for almost 4hours, but after the first two hours, Yuki's bf were sleeping onto Yuki's lap. He must have been tired since he works almost everyday and have late night shifts, and he has to go to work on 7 that day. When we had one hour left to sing, my special someone also wanted to lie down, so he lied down onto my lap. He was cute~~~ he was a like an innocent, fragile baby, when he was sleeping onto my lap. @^^@
As we finished with karaoke, Yuki's bf drove us to Chinatown and had dinner at a Hong Kong Style restaurant. I wasn't hungry at the time but I didn't want to eat anything at home, so I just ate there. I love chinese foods and I had eggplant with rice for the first time. It was bit chillie but it's the chillie that I could handle. We also had lamb hotpot, and as I was eating the lamb, my body was getting warmer. My special someone informed me that lamb makes your body warm, which is why his family have hotpot during winter. It was 7, and Yuki's bf left for work, which left us only the three of us. It was always the three of us from the beginning and I'm glad that I hanged out with these two.
We walked to Darling Harbour, and chilled there for a while. We played at the playground and went onto the ferris wheel. When it was just the three of us, Yuki kept taking photos of us with our phones. I'm glad that we have photos of us two together but it was embarrassing. If it was just the two of us, we never take photos of ourselves. She mentioned how if she was interrupting with my special someone and I. I completely disagreed, saying that I didn't want her to feel as a third wheeler. She didn't and I'm glad. I didn't want her to leave us alone, and I wouldn't ditch her. She was our friend.
It was getting late at this point. It was around late 9 and we decided to head towards the station. As we were saying goodbye to Yuki, I thanked her for the day. It was a fun day, but really... It didn't like a date, but more of a outing. Because how you're with your special someone alone is different when you hang out with other couples. I guess it's because my special someone and I are conscious in front of the public, that's why. ^^ But I had a great day.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
49. Things you don't know about me
Things that most people don't know about me:
- I'm not genuinely a nice person.
- I may be laughing or appear to be happy, but there are days where I am actually sad in the inside.
- I hate crying. Crying means you're weak, vulnerable, sensitive and too emotional. If people saw me cry, then they are lucky to see it.
- I do get mad at times.
- If I'm comfortable by being hyper in front of you, then good. It means, I trust you and I consider you as my friend.
- I do swear at times, so don't be surprised if you do hear me swear.
- I eat fast...
- If you see me wearing a skirt, dress, or one piece in person, then you are extremely lucky because you'll probably won't see me wearing it again next time.
- If you hear me calling or shouting your name, it means I really like you. So cherish it!
- I like to cuddle, so If I give you a hug, don't be alarmed. Oh and I only cuddle girls. It's awkward hugging with guys except my special someone.
- I don't like sweet foods, so don't give me cakes, chocolates and other sweet random stuff. But lollies, candies and ice creams are an exception.
- I hate OYSTERS! Give me oysters and I hate you.
- I like manly hands......
I'm sure there are other lots more stuff but can't think anymore so far
- I'm not genuinely a nice person.
- I may be laughing or appear to be happy, but there are days where I am actually sad in the inside.
- I hate crying. Crying means you're weak, vulnerable, sensitive and too emotional. If people saw me cry, then they are lucky to see it.
- I do get mad at times.
- If I'm comfortable by being hyper in front of you, then good. It means, I trust you and I consider you as my friend.
- I do swear at times, so don't be surprised if you do hear me swear.
- I eat fast...
- If you see me wearing a skirt, dress, or one piece in person, then you are extremely lucky because you'll probably won't see me wearing it again next time.
- If you hear me calling or shouting your name, it means I really like you. So cherish it!
- I like to cuddle, so If I give you a hug, don't be alarmed. Oh and I only cuddle girls. It's awkward hugging with guys except my special someone.
- I don't like sweet foods, so don't give me cakes, chocolates and other sweet random stuff. But lollies, candies and ice creams are an exception.
- I hate OYSTERS! Give me oysters and I hate you.
- I like manly hands......
I'm sure there are other lots more stuff but can't think anymore so far
48. Bad brother?
Less than two weeks till my mum return to Australia. Only less than two weeks...
I miss her a lot... I can relate to her feelings when she was still here. I was a bad daughter and I knew.
She must have been annoyed and frustrated with me. Oh my lord, how much she dealt with me is unbelievable.
I understand how she feels because I was annoyed and frustrated with my brother for teasing Benny. He didn't like my tone/attitude and went on a rampage by hitting my dog Benny. Unbelievable...
If he wanted to hit someone or something, I would prefer him to hit himself. My dogs did nothing wrong to him so why should they be my bro's punching bags? They are living creatures with emotions too! They just can't speak... I truly hate animal cruelty.
I was upset with my bro and then I heard whimpers... I looked up only to see him breaking into tears. This isn't the first time I saw him cry, and I wasn't surprised by it. He kept crying and shouting out stupid statements. He was blaming himself for being an annoying brother, for being the worst brother...
At this point, I felt like a bad person because truly in the inside, I thought, 'Now you just realised?! It's about time'. He wouldn't stop crying and that made me so annoyed. I am not your mother, I am your little sister. I am not here to babysit you, you are older than me, so grow up! I didn't give him any comfort. But because of his non-stop cries, I lied saying, "No, don't say that. You are a good person. You did nothing wrong." But he denied it and repeated his statements. Yes I agree with you bro but really, you really need to shut up because I am not in any mood to hear your winges.
At my downs, at my worsts, when I cried, where were you?! You were with mum, taking her side without listening to my side of the story and already pointing fingers at me, blaming that everything is my fault.
Why should I comfort you when you never comforted me?
All my friends told me that they are envious, and wants to have an older brother. But seriously, not all older brothers are like that. Some are cruel and don't even care about your life.
Who gave us the rule that just because we share the same blood as our parents that we must respect and love our siblings? Hell no. If your siblings don't treat you the way they should treat you, I don't even call that as a sibling.
There are siblings that don't get along and hate each other. Sad but true fact.
Yeah, yeah, family is important but really. It's only important to you if they also think you're important to them too. To make family relationships to work, both sides must understand, respect and commit themselves to each other. It never works with just one-side.
Why do I not get along with my bro?...... It was never like this before.... As we grew up, we were distant because we are different genders. He stayed away from me a lot back in high school. He was embarrassed because of me. He didn't like people misunderstanding us as they thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We even grew more apart when he found his hobby of dancing and I don't have mine. Then it hit us, when he took sides with my mum and fought against me. He wasn't there for me anymore... We now sometimes fight each other and I hate fighting...
Why do I not get along with my bro?....
Aah... the answer is simple.... its because I'm a bad sister...
Why am I a bad sister?
............
I'm not a good sister, good daughter, or a good friend....... I'm not a good person.....
I'm not nice........
I miss her a lot... I can relate to her feelings when she was still here. I was a bad daughter and I knew.
She must have been annoyed and frustrated with me. Oh my lord, how much she dealt with me is unbelievable.
I understand how she feels because I was annoyed and frustrated with my brother for teasing Benny. He didn't like my tone/attitude and went on a rampage by hitting my dog Benny. Unbelievable...
If he wanted to hit someone or something, I would prefer him to hit himself. My dogs did nothing wrong to him so why should they be my bro's punching bags? They are living creatures with emotions too! They just can't speak... I truly hate animal cruelty.
I was upset with my bro and then I heard whimpers... I looked up only to see him breaking into tears. This isn't the first time I saw him cry, and I wasn't surprised by it. He kept crying and shouting out stupid statements. He was blaming himself for being an annoying brother, for being the worst brother...
At this point, I felt like a bad person because truly in the inside, I thought, 'Now you just realised?! It's about time'. He wouldn't stop crying and that made me so annoyed. I am not your mother, I am your little sister. I am not here to babysit you, you are older than me, so grow up! I didn't give him any comfort. But because of his non-stop cries, I lied saying, "No, don't say that. You are a good person. You did nothing wrong." But he denied it and repeated his statements. Yes I agree with you bro but really, you really need to shut up because I am not in any mood to hear your winges.
At my downs, at my worsts, when I cried, where were you?! You were with mum, taking her side without listening to my side of the story and already pointing fingers at me, blaming that everything is my fault.
Why should I comfort you when you never comforted me?
All my friends told me that they are envious, and wants to have an older brother. But seriously, not all older brothers are like that. Some are cruel and don't even care about your life.
Who gave us the rule that just because we share the same blood as our parents that we must respect and love our siblings? Hell no. If your siblings don't treat you the way they should treat you, I don't even call that as a sibling.
There are siblings that don't get along and hate each other. Sad but true fact.
Yeah, yeah, family is important but really. It's only important to you if they also think you're important to them too. To make family relationships to work, both sides must understand, respect and commit themselves to each other. It never works with just one-side.
Why do I not get along with my bro?...... It was never like this before.... As we grew up, we were distant because we are different genders. He stayed away from me a lot back in high school. He was embarrassed because of me. He didn't like people misunderstanding us as they thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We even grew more apart when he found his hobby of dancing and I don't have mine. Then it hit us, when he took sides with my mum and fought against me. He wasn't there for me anymore... We now sometimes fight each other and I hate fighting...
Why do I not get along with my bro?....
Aah... the answer is simple.... its because I'm a bad sister...
Why am I a bad sister?
............
I'm not a good sister, good daughter, or a good friend....... I'm not a good person.....
I'm not nice........
Saturday, 25 July 2015
47. Him~ 2
I need to be understanding of my partner, and not to be selfish all the times. I knew that he was not a huggy person, reserved when it comes to contacting people, he's not romantic, does not say embarrassing (sweet) things. ><
I am understanding his character, and how everything takes time to get comfortable or use to, to do things. Sigh~
For the first time, he said 'I love you', to me... I never expected it... I know that I won't hear it often because its him~ But it doesn't matter. Because as long as I know that he loves me. ^^ Of course I would like to hear it often but I don't want him to get out of his comfort zone.
Whenever he's ready~
I love him...
I am understanding his character, and how everything takes time to get comfortable or use to, to do things. Sigh~
For the first time, he said 'I love you', to me... I never expected it... I know that I won't hear it often because its him~ But it doesn't matter. Because as long as I know that he loves me. ^^ Of course I would like to hear it often but I don't want him to get out of his comfort zone.
Whenever he's ready~
I love him...
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
46. Him~
I really do love him. I do... Do I show him enough of that love though?... I honestly don't know.
I always hold his hands whenever we meet, walk together, I always get embarrassed around him, always get warm around him, always say 'I like you', or 'I miss you' first, try my best to make him happy, or smile, or laugh, always cuddle with him, play with his hair, call his name all the time, try to take care of him with little things...
Is it enough?.... Enough to know that your girlfriend loves you?...
I guess not... Maybe I don't show him that much love... I don't know... I am overthinking too much...
Sighh.... I do love him!!! I DO SHOW HIM! And he knows that too! He knows that I'm clingy, jealous, and only pay attention to him. He trusts me and I trust him too!
Why do I overthink too much??? Why do I always worry myself?
To prepare for the worse I guess.
I didn't let him kiss me last Saturday... because I was scared it might lead to things that I wasn't ready for... I do regret it but I'm glad that I did it? I wasn't ready at all... But I might have disappointed him or made him upset. I was sad when I walked him off to the station but thought it was for the best....
But now I miss him a lot....
Monday, 20 July 2015
45. Hello Tears
Now that I think about it... whenever I cry, there's always a reason. When I do cry, it's mainly about my fights with my mum. Last time I cried that I could remember was back in May. But now... these tears return back again... and it's because of my mum... yet again. I miss her so much. I really do. I really want to hug her right now. She was the one who was there for me through my best and worst. She was always there, supporting me. We always have different point of views and its hard to understand each other when we have different beliefs, and came from different time periods. But in my heart, I always loved my mum. It was hard to express that love to my mum.
I want my mum back... I want her back... It's hard... I miss her so much... These tears...
She hanged up the call on me when she knew I was crying. I guess she didn't want to hear me cry, otherwise, she'll. cry herself. My mum is already struggling with my aunty and her family. My mum cried a lot mostly everyday ever since she went to Korea. I guess she didn't want to cry anymore... especially when she has us here in Australia.
But I miss her. So much.
I miss her. A lot.........
Sunday, 12 July 2015
44. Thoughts lately...
Should I be worried? Yes, I think so. If so, why? Hmmm... because I know he wants to but I am not ready. He said he can wait for a long time and only wants to when I'm ready but still...
I don't consider myself romantic so I asked him, and he said yes. I asked my friend too and she said I'm more romantic than him. My partner doesn't have to be romantic, but just as long as he loves me then its fine. But... I don't want my partner to think ahout 'it' the whole time because it means that he's only wants sexual relationship, not romantic one. I still think its too early for us... It's been more than a month now and... I want a romantic relationship with him... It's my desire but he's not a romantic type so I guess its understandable... I guess we are still getting use to being in a relationship. But still. Sometimes I feel that we are going fast yet slow, slow yet fast. But we are more honest and open with ourselves now, which is a good thing.
But I am anxious. That he might get tired of waiting and get bored. That I might not be able to satisfy him as a girlfriend. Or am I thinking too much??? I always overthink, but I need to be mentally prepared.
What do I want? I want to take things nice, slow and easy. I want a romantic relationship between us for now which I doubt... Sighh...
Am I making it worse?....
[This post is regarding the last post I made, if anyone was confused with what I said. I thought if I should mention about it here in my blog because it is personal so I tried to be discreet in my last post, but I needed to get my mind off it here in this post. This is what I've been thinking lately.]
I don't consider myself romantic so I asked him, and he said yes. I asked my friend too and she said I'm more romantic than him. My partner doesn't have to be romantic, but just as long as he loves me then its fine. But... I don't want my partner to think ahout 'it' the whole time because it means that he's only wants sexual relationship, not romantic one. I still think its too early for us... It's been more than a month now and... I want a romantic relationship with him... It's my desire but he's not a romantic type so I guess its understandable... I guess we are still getting use to being in a relationship. But still. Sometimes I feel that we are going fast yet slow, slow yet fast. But we are more honest and open with ourselves now, which is a good thing.
But I am anxious. That he might get tired of waiting and get bored. That I might not be able to satisfy him as a girlfriend. Or am I thinking too much??? I always overthink, but I need to be mentally prepared.
What do I want? I want to take things nice, slow and easy. I want a romantic relationship between us for now which I doubt... Sighh...
Am I making it worse?....
[This post is regarding the last post I made, if anyone was confused with what I said. I thought if I should mention about it here in my blog because it is personal so I tried to be discreet in my last post, but I needed to get my mind off it here in this post. This is what I've been thinking lately.]
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